Failing over and over

Sigh.

I do not like failure. It is not in my nature to quit. Yet I have had to accept failure multiple times over the past months.

With what, you ask?

Potty Training.

I'm pretty sure those words have now been added to my list of foul language. From now on when I am really mad, instead of letting a less-than-appropriate word slip I will just consciously yell "potty training!"

Having 3 independently motivated potty-trainers who trained in a single day at the age of 2 in the past set me up with unfair expectations. I knew Jacob would take longer than the others. I didn't even think twice about keeping him in diapers past his 3rd birthday. But I foolishly thought that with more time he would still have the light-bulb moment like his brother and sisters did at their second birthdays. And maybe Jacob still will. I just thought it would be before age 3 and 1/2. Or 4.

Back in October Jacob showed an interest in the potty. He was happy to sit and even had some success with wetting in his little potty. So I experimented with underwear and thought maybe he was ready. By the end of the first day he was a complete mess. The sensory experience of underwear was disturbing to him. By nap time he was anxious and unsettled. By bed time he was a wreck. I immediately changed gears and put him back in his diaper but let him use the potty if he asked. He was still having 5-6 bowel movements a day so I knew he just wasn't ready physically even though his curiosity was showing. He quickly lost interest and stopped asking to go.

The one-day attempt in October.

In December I revisited the potty effort when Jacob started expressing interest again. This time I avoided underwear and just tried making potty visits routine. "Jacob it's bath time, lets sit on the potty!" But my hard-headed little monkey quickly realized what I was tricking him into and began to resist. Rather than making a big deal out of it I let it go. I wasn't that set on potty training during the holidays anyway and we had a trip out of state coming up. 

After our trip to Utah between Christmas and New Years I noticed changes in Jacob. He was sleeping better. His self stimulation behaviors started to disappear. His body seemed to be regulating and we were no longer changing 6 messy diapers a day. He was stopping play to "take care of business" and talking about family pets and family members taking potty breaks (I will spare you his descriptions).

I saw my chance. The lightbulb was flickering! There was just one more thing I could see in the way: Jacob had never, not once, indicated to Brad or I that he wanted a diaper change. We assumed this was because of 13 months in an institution where diapers are simply not changed by need, but by caregiver availability. He had learned to tune out the discomfort of a messy diaper. We believed he no longer recognized when his diaper was dirty. 

So, I conducted a little experiment. I told Jacob he could have a sticker every time he told me he needed a diaper change. I took him to the store and he picked smiley face stickers. And for 3 days he told me every time he had a messy diaper. 

Ah-ha! He did know!

It was finally time. The game was on. I was ready. I did everything just like I had with Caity, Amber and Drew: I got M&Ms to reward dry and clean pants, I had special drinks on hand, I got new character underwear to replace the generic training pants I had used in October, I talked it up to Jacob all week and even took him to the store to pick out a special prize (for that very first poop on the potty). He was so excited and so was I.

The first day was a great success. No major sensory issues about the underwear like in October. A few minor accidents mostly around the illusive "Number 2" duty. But numerous successes with staying dry.

Day two Jacob was nervous. He knew he needed to take care of his bowel movement in the potty rather than his underwear. He really wanted to open that truck he picked at the store. But he was scared. And so my child who up until February of this year has pooped 4-6 times a day suddenly did not have a BM all day. Too much information? I'm sorry, this is a story about potty training.

Day three we crashed and burned. Nothing makes me crazier than number two accidents in underwear. And Jacob had thrown in the towel. Accidents were the norm. He would still go pee if I took him but he had stopped asking to go.

I resolved to persist. I had quit twice already. Not this time. I have a stronger will than you, little 3-year-old.

Sigh.

Two weeks later I was loosing my sanity. And Jacob was no more interested in going in the potty than he had been in October and December. My frustration was effecting my parenting ability. And Jacob was crying, hitting, squirming, and floping every time I told him it was "time to check for dry pants for a candy". He started telling me, "I cared" (scared) every time he needed to have a BM. I tried letting him wear a diaper while sitting on the potty to go poop (a sensory trick). We even tried standing in a diaper in the toilet room. He would not do it. He was "cared". We tried using pull ups instead of underwear to make accidents less stressful for both mom and Jacob. We tried getting daddy and siblings involved. I felt like we had tried everything.

Finally, I had the moment of clarity: why does this need to happen right now? Was this my agenda and time frame or his little body really being ready and just a matter of will? He had shown some of the signs of readiness, but would it really be the end of the world if I gave him more time to mature? There are still many areas that Jacob is a good 8-12 months behind his peers in development. Would I feel as anxious about his potty training if he were 2 and 1/2 instead of 3 and 1/2?

Jacob will not go to Kindergarten in diapers. There is nothing pressing us to potty train this moment (like a preschool that requires children to be potty trained). We have time. And it is okay to give him time.

So, he's back in diapers. Failure? Maybe not.

Jumping through flaming hoops

This is long, but I LOVE recording the little miracles that accompany each of our adoption processes.

Our goal was to have all of our documents ready and waiting before our Immigration approval came in. We knew it would take 6-8 weeks to get our approval and we didn't want to wait one day longer than necessary. So, the plan was to have everything done last Friday and Saturday. We met our goal. Medical clearances, employment verification, proof of home ownership, etc. etc. etc., it was all lined up to be completed Friday and Saturday. I was so happy. I knew the soonest the approval could possibly come was this upcoming Wednesday. There was no way they would process it in less than 4 weeks.

Then I opened the mail Friday evening.

And there it was.

We had been approved after just 23 days.

We joyfully forwarded all of our other documents to our facilitator in Ukraine for approval and anxiously awaited her response. We knew that if we were able to apostille and send our documents this week there would be a chance to travel before some work constraints Brad will have the end of April. Getting our documents in the mail this week rather than next week could be the difference of 3-4 weeks for our travel dates.

I woke this morning to find an email from our facilitator saying we were missing one document: a copy of our social worker's license. I asked Brad if he thought we should pay to have it sent overnight to us in an effort to still apostille and send the dossier this week? He said it would cost less to drive to the office in Pleasant Hill and pick it up and we could save the wait.

It is difficult to explain but sometimes Brad and I feel a great urgency to just push certain parts of our adoptions through.

I felt prompted to try calling our social worker who lives in Elk Grove. She and I brainstormed and worked through several ideas. Wouldn't you know it, she found just the document we needed and just happened to have a window of time that would work perfectly for me to drive and meet her this morning to have it notarized. I sent a copy of the document to our facilitator for approval, made a couple quick arrangements for the boys to be picked up from school, and jumped in my car.

As I was driving our facilitator in Ukraine sent me a message: the license I was driving to pick up was perfect, except that our social worker's full name was on the document and our home study did not list her middle name. I met our social worker and asked her about it. She suggested I call the home study agency in Pleasant Hill and ask if they could authorize a quick edit.  So I did, and wouldn't you know it, just the person who could authorize this change and get me the document I needed happened to be available right then and there.

So, since I was right near Brad's office I stopped in to receive the new document and organize everything for the Secretary of State's office. While there I quickly scanned everything into an email for our facilitator in Ukraine to approve (I love modern day technology). She said yes so I was happily off to the State office.

I pulled up to the parking garage I have parked in before for this building to find that it is no longer open to public parking. I slowed down and thought, "now what?" Just then I noticed a spot open right in front of the building with a green meter. I parked and took a look. It was paid for more than enough time. Free parking!

I walked up to the notary desk and presented my documents for apostille. Immediately the woman reviewing the documents said, "Oh, you'll need to change this." My mind started running but somehow I didn't panic. I asked if she meant the notary needed to be redone. "Oh no, honey, just take this pen and draw a box around these words. It just needs to be in a box." What? You want me to hand draw a box on my notarized documents? Um. Okay.

My fancy blue pen she gave me to make boxes with. At least I had my envelope to use as a straight edge... I took a picture because I thought this was ridiculous. I didn't know it was just the beginning.

I went back up to the desk. This time she accepted half of my documents (the ones with my fancy ink boxes) and said I needed to add a statement to the other half. She again said, "You can write it in pen if you want but I can't guarantee the country you are sending it to will accept it."

I was not about to apostille HALF of my documents without fighting to get everything done. So I paid her for the first half and left them there to be worked on while I drove the others to the nearest UPS store. Sure enough, UPS had a stamp. They took 30 seconds to stamp my docs and I went back to the Secretary of state.

I pulled up to yet another open parking spot with a green meter. This one had less time on it but enough for me to get in and out. Free parking again.

I went back to the desk and spoke with the same woman who disapprovingly sighed and said, "They put the stamp in the wrong place. It needs to be here," she points to a spot no more than 1 inch from the placement of the previous stamp, "do you want to try again or redo the documents?" I asked if it was a problem to have the same exact stamp on the same document just an inch away and she said it would be fine. Okay, I would go back to UPS.

Somehow this was the moment I realized I had used my last check to pay for the first half of the documents. For a moment I worried. But then something prompted me to ask for the total to complete the documents before I left so that I could bring cash back. She counted all the documents and gave me a number.

When I got to my car I felt a little discouraged. Maybe all of this was happening for a reason. Maybe this was not Heavenly Father's timing. Maybe I was trying too hard to do what I wanted. So, I said a little prayer. I told God that I needed some help. I needed Him to show me this was His plan. That all was well. I asked that if this was His will that I would be lead and He would step in and make this all work.

As I drove I heard song after song. Chris Tomlin-Whom Shall I Fear "I know who goes before me, I know who stands behind, the God of Angel Armies is always by my side, Toby Mac-Get Back Up "This is love callin', love callin'", Get back up again", "You may be knocked down but not out forever." I don't believe God controls my radio station but I know His Holy Spirit was speaking clearly to me through the lyrics.

I went back to UPS and they stamped my documents for free a second time. The stamps were not exactly where the lady had specified, and I worried. There was no way to change it now. I just had to let go.

I sent a text to Brad saying I needed a check or cash for the second set of documents and asked if a branch of our bank was nearby. He just happened to be able to leave a meeting he was in to go to the bank with me. I arrived at Brad's office and fell into his arms for a much needed hug. He provided not just the needed money, but a plate of pizza (it was now 1:00 and I hadn't eaten), some water,a few minutes of conversation, and a bathroom break. I felt recharged and ready to go back yet again.

When I pulled up to the Secretary of State's office for the third time I could not believe it: another paid meter. Free parking for the 3rd time. I looked at the other meters to see if it was just not a metered time of day. But it was. I just happened to find 3 different parking spots that someone had over paid and left time on the meter.

I showed my ID at the front desk for the third time and the armed officer gave me a sympathetic look. I noticed people were smiling at me all the way up the stairs and down the hall. Did they just recognize me from the two previous failed attempts? Whatever the reason it felt good to see some cheery faces.

I waited at the counter and saw the same woman again working at her desk. I spoke one more silent prayer, "Whatever happens I will know it is your will. If this is not the right time, it is okay, I will wait on you." The woman called my number and I gave her the documents again. I waited for her to complain about the placement of the second stamp attempts. But she just glanced at 2 of them and said, "Great, let's get these done."

He had provided.

I floated out of that office and back to my car. A parking attendant that I had not noticed before congratulated me and said, "finally got it?" Two bicycle police officers were stopped next to my car talking to a homeless man. My meter had just run out. They gave me a smile and wave as I pulled out.

I offered prayers of gratitude and hurried home to marvel at my day's accomplishment.

Then I was able to find the great release of sending our dossier to Ukraine.

So very worth it.