Speech

Jacob receives speech therapy once a week. He just seems to be one of those kids that steps up to the plate and hits a home run over and over again. Any time we discover he is behind with something and begin to work on it he figures it out so dang fast. To say he is "teachable" would be an understatement. Jacob LOVES his therapist and eagerly awaits her arrival when I tell him "Mary is coming."

This past week I have been teaching Jacob to call to me when he needs me. I am trying to teach him to call to me from his crib when he wakes. It is hard to tell when he is awake because he never learned to (or actually learned not to) indicate when he woke with crying, calling, or other noises. Thirteen months of orphanage care taught him to sit quietly until someone comes.

So far he will call to me everywhere but the crib: from his highchair, the bathtub (even though dad is supervising he prefers I get him out of the tub), or another room. But this morning when I told him "Mary is coming" he eagerly went to the window to watch for her. She sent me a text just then saying she would be a couple minutes late so I went to rotate a load of laundry. Then I heard this:

"Meemee" is what he calls Mary. He was disappointed that she was late, he does not wait well...

Road Trip

My Mom planned to go to visit her sister in Arizona the week before Thanksgiving. I have not been for a visit in over 5 years and so she asked if I would like to come along and bring the kids. She generously offered to cover gas expenses, so I couldn't say no. I am always looking for inexpensive ways to show my kids new things. A trip to the dessert sounded perfect.

Taking 4 littles on a 12 hour road trip is quite the undertaking. But it turned out to be a lot of fun and well worth the extra work.

We left Wednesday after school and broke the drive into two days, staying the night at our family's home near Los Angeles. Rain pored down on us the entire two day drive. It seemed to be following us the entire trip. The rain was not a gentle misting but instead the nasty, heavy, scary, dangerous type. We even had the fortune to get stuck in a traffic jam in L.A. because a big rig had jackknifed inside a tunnel leading to the freeway we needed to be on. Fun times.

Fortunately, we arrived in Arizona by dinner time Thursday night safe and sound. We spent Friday through Sunday having a great time with family. We had indeed brought the rain with us and had to find fun indoor activities to enjoy.

We took a few walks in the rain when it was drizzling.

 

 We visited the Mesa Children's Museum.

 

 

We visited the new butterfly museum.

 

 

We tried to sit around the fire in the backyard. It was cold and rainy, so a short lived effort.

 

Plenty of football on TV and cousins to play with.

Then, finally on Sunday morning, the rain stopped long enough for us to sneak in a dessert hike.

"The spider's gonna eat my car, Mom!" Yes, that is a real live tarantula...

Of course, Monday morning as we packed up the car to leave, the skies were finally clear. Our family thanked us for bringing the lovely rain since it is such a rare treat. Then we did our best to entertain the 4 antsy kiddos during the l-o-n-g drive home.

watching movies

stringing fruit-loop necklaces

 

Thirteen and a half hours later we gratefully greeted our beds at home.

It was a great adventure.

Entertainment on a road trip

During our trip to Arizona before Thanksgiving Jacob was attempting to wait patiently for his dinner at In and Out. Having been trapped in the car for the majority of the day, he was more than willing to be creative with his entertainment.

That boy makes me smile.

It's a long story

Let's start at the beginning:

When we decided to adopt from Russia we felt pretty strongly that we would adopt from China also. We went to Russia knowing that China was "next". But in our little minds we assumed we would take the time to make our family's finances look pretty first and we would take a year or two (or three) to settle into life with 4 kids.

Within the first week of arriving home from Russia, Brad asked me if I was thinking about China. I was. We both were. We couldn't help it. We knew we were supposed to adopt again. Of course, we again reassured each other that our next adoption was at least a year or two in the future. But a month or two went by and I started feeling antsy.

For weeks I tried to quiet the nagging feeling that we needed to be doing something for our next adoption. I began studying the Mandarin language, I researched special needs that were common among Chinese orphans, I created a financial plan and outlined how many months we would need to put our finances where we wanted them before moving forward with another adoption, I tried to understand what else we could do to prepare.

I found myself looking at photo-listings of waiting children in China. Brad noticed what I was doing and reminded me that we weren't ready yet and to be careful about getting in over my head. I agreed, but kept looking. I could not stop. I didn't know why I was looking so I told myself I was "familiarizing myself with common special needs" and that it felt good to see some of the children on the lists finding families. I could root for them from the sidelines and celebrate when their status changed to 'I have a family'.

Then it happened.

Journal entry February 24, 2013:

"About 3 weeks ago I scrolled down a page I had seen before on the Holt website. There were a couple of "new referral" listings. As I scrolled down the thumbnail picture grabbed my attention of a boy. He had a playful smirk on his face and something about him just grabbed my attention..."

I could not get this boy out of my head. I could not understand why I felt the way I did.

"...Brad walked in and I showed him the picture. He could tell what I was thinking and reminded me of our timeline. I told him I knew there was no way we were ready. But if this boy was still waiting when we were ready, he would be the first one I would request more info about."

Weeks passed. "Xylon" remained listed on the Holt site. I found myself checking the listing daily. Each day I expected to see the words "no longer accepting new requests" (meaning he had a potential family) but they never appeared.

We experienced a completely unexpected job change and for a brief time wondered if we were really correct in our understanding of God's will for a second adoption. As quickly as the change had come, God's will came into focus again and we were assured we were on the right path, adoption included.

Another month passed. Xylon remained on the Holt site. His "new referral" status had been removed. Brad and I both agreed it was time to begin the very first step of our second adoption: the agency application. It was a small step and we assured ourselves we could take things slow this time, no need to rush.

As I had promised myself, I made a call about Xylon. I found out Holt had requested an extension on his file and would have it for another week before it could be released back to the shared site for our agency to find. From the day we submitted our application, May 3, things started to pick up speed. It was made abundantly clear that we needed to be ready for Xylon's file to become available.

Brad and I spent time in prayer and attended the temple together. We knew without a doubt pursuing Xylon's file was exactly what we needed to do.

Then there was a twist in the road.

Journal entry, May 29:

"Xylon has a family! When I checked the site today to see if his picture was gone yet (indicating his file had been returned to the shared site) I instead saw the words 'I have a family' on his profile picture. Apparently on the very last day Holt had his file a family committed to his adoption.
The strange part is: I have peace. I have been watching him for almost 5 months now. Every time I clicked on that listing I expected to see those words. Every time I prayed for him I asked that his family would be lead to him quickly. And today, seeing those words didn't hurt the way I thought they would."

A few weeks before this journal entry I had run across this talk by Elder Holland. The very moment I saw the Holt site, and that Xylon had a family, these words began to play in my mind:

We knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that we were doing exactly what needed to be done. It was time to hold to the truth we already knew: it was time to adopt again. We just needed to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

We plugged away at fundraisers and side jobs. Money started flowing into our adoption account. Doors were opened all around us. The blessings of Heaven started to rain down.

I continued to check the Holt site thinking maybe the committed family would fall through and I would see Xylon again. I did not know what to expect, so I just kept watching.

The summer flew by and we were finishing up our home study and getting ready for dossier and preparing to receive a referral from our agency. I happened to jump on to our agency's website and noticed they had a new photo listing of waiting children in China. As I scrolled down I saw this picture: 

"Henry"

Something about this boy's eyes seemed to look right into my heart. Worried that I had 'felt' something again and hesitant to admit it, I did nothing. About a week later I casually sent an email to our agency about him. They replied saying a family was currently reviewing his file. I let it go. All the while still watching the Holt site for Xylon.

Another week went by and Brad came into the room holding his iPad with a funny grin on his face.  I had not breathed a word to him about Henry. And Brad had never opened an email from our agency before. He later told me he did not know what compelled him to open the email. But when he did he felt something too and eagerly came to show me. The email had an updated picture of the same boy I had seen, "Henry."

So I sent another email to our agency only to find that, yet again, his file was being reviewed by another family. The week passed and Brad and I talked about Henry. We knew something was up. Sure enough we received a call: Henry's file was available again, were we interested? After taking the weekend to review his file, consult with our pediatric specialists, and pray, there was no doubt. This was our boy.

I continued to watch for Xylon. I honestly wondered if this was Heavenly Father's way of leading us to adopting two boys at once. We knew we had been lead to pursue Xylons file, and now we were confident Henry was our son. I half expected Xylon to pop back up somewhere.

Then we received an email from the China coordinator with a request. Our son had a close friend in the orphanage listed as "Tony". There was a group of 4 boys, our son included, who do everything together and are described as being like brothers. Three of the four boys had committed families. The fourth boy, Tony, was the oldest and had been waiting the longest. The orphanage director was worried about him being left behind. Could we spread the word about him and try to help find a family willing to bring him home?

I wondered if perhaps we should consider adopting him. But even before I spoke the first word of my prayer to consider that option I knew confidently he was not meant for us. I got busy in my own little life and, though I mentioned him to one friend directly and made lighthearted comments to others about our son like, "he has a friend that is still waiting", I lacked the confidence to do more.

Then two weeks later I received a call from our agency. There was a family that had committed to Tony, but then backed out. He was still waiting. Was there anyone else we could tell? I thought it was strange that I had been contacted about this boy twice. What was I supposed to do? What difference could I make? But I decided to send an email to friends and family.

I was amazed to see the message shared and passed around. I was shocked to have responses of support and encouragement from multiple families. And I was absolutely blown away to receive the continued response of our friends who are now committed to bringing our son's friend home. "Tony", now PJ, will be their son. They never would have seen him if I had not shared that email.

Brad mentioned how this must have been why we felt we needed to move forward when we did. It was not just our son waiting. Heavenly Father had a plan for both of these boys at this time.

That thought remained in my mind over the next few days as I continued to 'check in' on the Holt site. I felt differently somehow. Maybe Xylon's purpose had been different than I thought. If he was not meant for our family, then why did we feel so strongly about pursuing his file?

Then I came across this video and felt I received my answer:

We needed to know with confidence we were on the right path so that we could keep our 'blinders' on and get everything done. Despite the short time since completing our first adoption. Despite the job change. Despite the 'plan' that we had made for our finances.

Journal entry November 8:

"Xylon was our 400 yard dead end. He was the reason we moved forward with conviction and determination. And he is the reason 2 more little boys in China will be coming home. Heavenly Father knows the Hoppes family. He knows 'Tony' is meant to be with them. He knows Ty is meant to be with us. And because of His perfect plan, perfect timing, and perfect provision, Ty and PJ will have each other even on the other side of the world."

I don't need to look for Xylon anymore. Ty and PJ are coming home.

PJ (Tony) far left, our son Ty (Henry) second from right

Adoption Awareness- Knowledge is Key

I am a reader. I am an information junkie. When I am doing something for the first time or want ideas on how to do something differently, I read.

We have completed several hours of online courses, webinars, and other online education for our adoptions. There are several in-person classes, groups and organizations available to prospective adoptive parents. Adoption support groups, chat rooms, Facebook pages and Meetups are available in most areas.

I feel that one of the best things prospective adoptive families can do before bringing a child into their home is educate themselves. It does not matter if you have children in your home already, if you have adopted before, if you have a family member that you have watched experience "it all", education is key. Because no two children are alike.

And guess what? Education is super helpful for extended family and friends too. If you are not adopting yourself, but know someone who is, you are going to see them do a lot of things that seem odd to you. Before you jump in and offer your advice, take the time to learn a little bit about why they are doing what they are. You may be surprised by what you learn.

Here are my top two books that I have kept in my collection and would recommend to others:

 

 



I don't own this one, but would recommend it to anyone who wants to support a family member or friend through their adoption process: 

 

 

Not every book I have read on adoption has been great or felt particularly helpful. Many have not made the cut for my personal collection. Some of our online courses felt like we had taken a calculus class when it turned out all we ended up putting into practice were the simple arithmetic concepts. But I am glad to have learned what we did. And I never would have figured this stuff out on my own. 

Adoption Awareness- You can't save 'em all

Some families will never even consider adoption. Some will know of a family member or friend who "did that". Some will find themselves actively involved in a family member or friend's adoption through fundraising or advocating. Some families will experience adoption once. Some will adopt more than once. And some families adopt again and again.

Once upon a time, there was an old man who used to go to the ocean to do his writing. He had a habit of walking on the beach every morning before he began his work. Early one morning, he was walking along the shore after a big storm had passed and found the vast beach littered with starfish as far as the eye could see, stretching in both directions.
Off in the distance, the old man noticed a small boy approaching.  As the boy walked, he paused every so often and as he grew closer, the man could see that he was occasionally bending down to pick up an object and throw it into the sea.  The boy came closer still and the man called out, ”Good morning!  May I ask what it is that you are doing?”
The young boy paused, looked up, and replied “Throwing starfish into the ocean. The tide has washed them up onto the beach and they can’t return to the sea by themselves,” the youth replied. “When the sun gets high, they will die, unless I throw them back into the water.”
The old man replied, “But there must be tens of thousands of starfish on this beach. I’m afraid you won’t really be able to make much of a difference.”

The boy bent down, picked up yet another starfish and threw it as far as he could into the ocean. Then he turned, smiled and said, “It made a difference to that one!”

Every adopting family makes a difference. Whether it is one child or 20. And even if we can't save them all, we can make a difference one at a time. Adopting one child will not change the world, but for that one child the world will change.



"We all have a reservoir of love that is probably endless. We're all just too scared to probe the depths and find out how very far the bottom is."

Adoption Awareness- Post Adoption Depression

Depression.

That one word stirs up an awful lot of negativity. If you have experienced it yourself you know the feelings associated with it. If you have not experienced it you likely respond to that word with a hushed embarrassment or naïve confusion over what it really means.

But did you know that as many as eighty percent of mothers who have given birth will experience the mildest form of Postpartum Depression called "The Baby Blues?" And, of those mothers, approximately ten percent will suffer a more serious form of Postpartum Depression (PPD)?

And did you know that more than 65% of adopting parents also experience the same symptoms called Post Adoption Depression (PAD)?

With such a huge number of people (that's right, women AND men) experiencing depression after one of the most natural and common life experiences, you would think everyone would know what PPD and PAD are, right?

I didn't. And since my own experience with PPD (which I have never discussed openly on this blog) I have observed a large number of people also experiencing PPD or PAD and just not knowing what to do.

So, what is it?

Well, for starters, its not as funny and lighthearted as movies or other media make it seem. When "baby blues" are depicted in most movies you see a post-delivery mom in her bathrobe sitting on the couch crying through a random commercial on TV. Or a mother swinging instantly from laughter to tears. Some movies have tried to touch on the idea of PPD by depicting new mom's who just seem stressed out or unhappy. But PPD and PAD are so much more.

PPD is usually set into motion by hormones in the mother's body. Pregnancy and delivery are both influenced by a flood of chemicals and hormones. The reason such a large percentage of mothers experience "baby blues" after the birth of their child is they are processing and coping with the abnormally high amount of those chemicals and hormones.

So why do husbands and adoptive parents experience the same symptoms if they are not going through pregnancy and delivery? Well, in short, they are. Every emotion you feel is created by a chemical or hormone in your brain: stress, joy, anticipation, disappointment, worry, love, etc. Both pregnancy and the adoptive process take months of preparation and include months of extreme emotions. The delivery process is mirrored by "gotcha day" in adoption in stress and emotion. Both mothers and fathers are experiencing these extremes of emotion. Add to that the most common result of adding a child to a family (sleepless nights, and for some adoptive parents jetlag) and the human brain has a hard time coping.


What does PPD and PAD look like?

Here is the list of symptoms doctors look for:

Symptoms of Depression

Diagnostic Criteria From DSM-IV
Five or more symptoms in a two week period.

1. Depressed mood most of the day, everyday (feeling sad, empty, or tearful) or feeling exceptionally irritable.
2. Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all or almost all activities.
3. Significant weight loss or weight gain, increase or decrease in appetite.
4. Insomnia or hypersomnia nearly every day.
5. Psycho motor agitation or retardation nearly every day observable by others
   (restlessness or being slowed down).
6. Fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day.
7. Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt nearly every day.
8. Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness nearly every day.
9. Suicidal thoughts or ideation. 

I have not shared my experience with PPD in detail in a public way before because it was a very scary time for me and I was afraid of what 'people' might think. But guess what: PPD is not something to be ashamed of. It happens. It can be treated. And life goes on. I am not a bad mother because I experienced PPD. My ability to carry on and continue to grow each day as a mother was not taken away. I am proud of who I am and how far I have come. So, because I believe it may help others understand what PPD really looks like from the experience of one mom who lived it, here is what PPD looked like for me:

1. Daily crying- I am not a person who cries, ever. Around the 7th month of my pregnancy I contacted my doctor about random crying. It was so unlike me.  I started feeling better after meeting once with the psychologist from my OBGYN's office and making some simple adjustments to my stress level and self-care that she recommended. After that I pretty much checked the crying off my list of concerns. I felt fine again. But just a few weeks after my son's birth, nothing helped the tears. They came everyday, sometimes for a reason and sometimes for no explicable reason at all. I just felt sad and overwhelmed.
2. Change in activity and personality- I am a very active person. I am usually engaged in cheerful conversation with those around me. And I very rarely just sit around doing nothing. During my struggles with PPD my personality was different. My Mom told me I looked different to her. My smile was missing. I was difficult to engage. I wasn't really interested in anything. Conversations just didn't develop. My words were gone. I stopped journaling. I stopped blogging. Sometimes I just felt lost.
3. Agitation- As my PPD progressed before treatment I became increasingly agitated. Anxiety is something I had never experience before. I became obsessive about certain things. Constantly worried and suddenly very protective of my baby. I did not like having him out of sight or out of my arms. But at the very same time I felt distanced and not connected to him. At one point I cried to Brad that my baby did not look cute to me (even though just 2 weeks earlier I had been completely smitten with his gorgeous features). Strange and irrational fears started to make their way into my mind. Thoughts that I could immediately follow with, "that doesn't make any sense." I would easily become overwhelmed by noise, touch, or environments outside of home.
4. Guilt- Oh, the guilt. Constant feelings of inadequacy. Constant thoughts of having "ruined" everything. Fear that the weeks after my son's birth would forever be remembered by my daughters as when mom 'changed'. It seemed as though my life had been perfect up to that point and "I" had changed everything.
5. Insecurity- I consider myself a pretty strong and confident person, but during the worst of my PPD I felt helpless. Like I suddenly didn't know how to do anything 'right' anymore. Nothing was good enough anymore. I couldn't make decisions on my own. I was overwhelmed by tasks that were not a big deal before. I constantly felt agitated and irritated but didn't know why or what to do.
6. Loss of control- My emotions became exaggerated. Fear would disturb me. Anger easily slipped into rage. Guilt became crushing. And any amount of joy, love, or excitement made me feel like I may just burst. Higher than a kite and lower than a skunk were the only two extremes I seemed to have.

That is a pretty concerning list. Looking back I see my experience with PPD (described to me as moderate to severe) as a very strange time for me. I simply was not myself. I had never before and not once since felt the way I did then. All together, the worst of my PPD lasted about a month (2 weeks before I realized I absolutely needed help and another 2-3 weeks after before I started to feel like myself again). Looking back, it was actually a brief time. But it felt like an eternity. I continued my treatment and support through my son's first birthday at the suggestion of my doctor to be sure I did not relapse.

Before my own experience with PPD I had always thought of depression as "stinkin' thinkin'." People who were depressed needed to just change the way they thought about things. Get outside and be active. Buck up and get over it. Right.

Depression is not something you choose. Depression is not something that goes away by itself. Depression is not something to hide. Depression is not something to be ashamed of or afraid of.

If someone you knew found out they were a diabetic today, what would you say to them? Would you discourage them from seeing their doctor? Would you judge them for taking medication? Would you not be supportive of lifestyle changes they needed to make?

Depression is a medical condition just like any other. It is treatable. It can be managed and conquered.

So what do you do if you think you might be experiencing PPD or PAD?

1. TALK to someone. The most common thing I have observed in myself and friends dealing with PPD/PAD is the need to keep it a secret. We don't want anyone to know. It is so important to realize that telling the right people does not include an announcement to the world. Not everyone needs to know, but someone does. Tell your spouse, you doctor, a trusted family member or friend, even your bishop or pastor. Tell someone. And you don't have to tell them everything. Just tell someone something.
2. If you are experiencing PPD or PAD ask your doctor if there is a support group in your area and think about going just one time. No one there will recognize you. You will be surprised how many other people are thinking and feeling the same things you are. You need to hear what they have to say.
3. If you are experiencing PAD ask your social worker if there is a support group in your area. Remember that it is your social worker's job to connect you with resources. She doesn't need details. She will not judge you. And she has heard it all before, for real.
4. Start taking care of you. Every mom has heard this one. But if you are struggling with PPD/PAD now is the time to do it. Your sleep is priority #1. Self care and recreation are important. Take a little time each day to do something for you.
5. Accept help. We all respond the same way to the offers for help: a smile and nod or "sure I'll let you know" because, surely our friends don't really want to follow up on their offer. Trust me, if they were bluffing they won't offer again and then you wont have to politely smile and lie about letting them know if there is something they can do. If someone offers to help, let them help! Make a list of things you would feel comfortable letting someone else help with (picking up a few things at the store, watching your other kids or even the baby, bringing dinner, carpooling) and when they offer, show them the list. Now is not the time to turn away willing hands.
6. Remember that nothing stays the same forever. Absolutes are the neon sign blinking "depression." Thinking that nothing will ever be the same or that you will never get over this or you have ruined everything or your circumstances will always be the same is not realistic. Children grow, seasons change and things will get better.

And for those of you out there who have never experienced PPD or PAD who have read to this point, your friend/spouse/child needs you. If you offer to help but they never ask, get more specific. Instead of saying, "let me know what I can do" think of things you can offer like, "I'm planning to go to the store tomorrow, can I take your list and drop your groceries off to you?" Or simply drop a dinner off that can be frozen or refrigerated for another night. Mostly, make it okay to talk to you without judging, trying to fix it for them, or digging for details. Your friend does not need you to know details, or respond to the details if they slip out, they just need you to support them. And remember: nothing stays the same forever. Your friend, spouse, or child can make it through PPD or PAD and be "themselves" again. Don't give up. Stick around, and be sure they know you will.

Adoption Awareness- The Fairy Tale Adoption

Have you ever taken an unhappy child to have professional pictures done? Or maybe you have experience with scheduling an appointment only to have your son fall and earn himself a lovely goose-egg right before the appointment? Have you ever thought during the shoot, "This is a waste of time. There's no way they are going to get a good shot.", only to discover later that your all-time favorite picture somehow managed to come out of that photo-shoot-debauchery?

I have had this experience. And I learned something. Not everything has to be going well to get a good picture. In fact, everything can be going horribly, and you can still manage to get a good picture.

This is true in adoption too. People run across beautiful blogs covered in beautiful pictures and think adoption is always beautiful. Reality: it's not. Adoption is hard. Because parenting is hard. Regardless of where the children come from.

 

When I hear people say bloggers intentionally fluff-up their adoption story, it bothers me. First of all, blogs are just a glorified scrapbook. Blogger mommies and daddies want to remember the good stuff. I remember my Grandma had pictures in her photo albums she had cut portions out of because she liked certain parts and not others.  Just like Grandma who used to put the good pictures in the photo album and toss the rest in the trash can, we modern-day bloggers want to remember the parts we like. But even if our blogs look amazing, we still have to live in reality. The reality is: life is hard. And life is what happens between the great pictures.

 

So when you see someone (me included) who is constantly talking about how amazing their experience has been and how in love they are with everything and everyone, rather than gagging yourself and writing them off as a liar, take a minute to celebrate with them. Because they have worked hard for that one-second "click" moment of the camera. And if all we ever focused on was the trials of childrearing, no one would do it.

Even "Fairy Tale Adoptions" take a heck of a lot of work. Enjoy the photos. Celebrate the successes. And live in reality.

Adoption Awareness- Special Needs

Examples of "special needs" in the American foster care system: race (African-American and mixed race children are considered special need), age (above age 8), having one or more siblings, requiring medication, history of poor behavior, difficulty in school, physical and cognitive disability or delay.

Examples of "special needs" internationally: age (above age 5), missing 1 finger or toe, lactose intolerance,  birth mark,  hernia, misshapen external ear, scar, color blindness, glasses, any medical diagnosis, physical and cognitive disability or delay.

"Special needs" around the world that are misunderstood:

Cerebral Palsy



Spina Bifida (Meningocele)

Down Syndrome

Limb Difference

Being "different" than what others call "normal" does not mean you can't do what everyone else does, it just means you do it different.

Adoption Awareness- Of course it's expensive

When we first started the adoption process we knew nothing. To say we were surprised by the costs involved is an understatement. There is a wide range depending on the adoption, but we had no idea an adoption from Russia could cost more than $50,000. Russia had always been the most costly adoption option. But here are a few tidbits of information to consider:

-The average insured hospital birth in the US costs $5,000-$8,000. That means to have a baby in the US with average health insurance you will pay $5,000-$8,000 out of pocket to cover prenatal, hospital stay, and postnatal fees.
-The average adoption from foster care costs $5,000. To be a foster parent and adopt a legally-free child (a child waiting for a family with no other options) will cost almost as much as childbirth. Some states and certain adoption circumstances have financial assistance, so there may be situations where the costs are lower. This is just an average.
-The average cost of newborn adoption in the US is between $20,000 and $40,000.
-35 percent of domestic adopters had at least one "false start," in which adoptive parents worked with one or more birth mothers before a match that succeeded. That means that in the US, it is possible to spend several thousand dollars moving toward an infant adoption only to have to start over at square one and spend that money again.

Now lets talk international. As you can imagine, no government wants to risk the safety of it's children. Adopting within your own country is one thing. Releasing a child to another country (and continent) is another. There must be practices and processes in place to protect children traveling to homes abroad. For this reason EVERYTHING is exponentially more expensive.

For example: the home study that would be generated by families adopting in the US (average cost $2,000) now needs to meet HAUGE requirements to be used abroad. It needs to be notarized, apostilled and translated. It needs to be accompanied by multiple licenses and supporting documents to verify authenticity (all notarized an apostilled as well). The home study is one of dozens of documents needed and all of these documents go through the same process of notary, apostille and translation.

Now consider any piece of paper you have ever had to submit to a government office. Was processing your paperwork free? Nope. All the dozens of documents need to be processed by US and foreign offices. How about a judge, have you ever appeared in court before or had legal representation? Free? Nope. All international adoptions go through a court process. In Russia we appeared in court in person 3 separate days. In China our court process happens without us being physically present through power of attorney.

What about the social workers, pediatricians, orphanage directors and representatives of the prospective adopted child. Do they volunteer their time? Nope. Our experience in Russia directly involved over 15 separate individuals who were doing their job to ensure our son's best interests were protected.  Don't forget travel costs, guide and translator fees, VISA fees, medical exams, and embassy appointments before leaving the country with an adopted child.

Kids are expensive no matter how they come home. Adopting internationally may be more expensive than child birth, but it is still worth every penny.

-The average cost of an adoption from Korea is about $38,000
-The average cost of an adoption from Ethiopia is about $28,000.
-The average cost of an adoption from China is about $29,000.
-The average cost of an adoption from Russia was about $50,000.

Adoption Awareness- Financial Assistence for Adopting Families

Most of the people reading this will not adopt themselves. But I hope some of you will pass along the information when the opportunity presents itself.

Because adoption is so expensive, there are many organizations that try to help support adopting families financially in an effort to get children home. There are grants offered, fundraising organizations, fundraising ideas, and the adoption tax credit to name a few.

The average adoption grant awarded is between $500 and $1,500. Although some grants are larger. Applying for a grant is a great way to help boost fundraising for an adoption. It is well worth the effort even if a grant is not awarded. If you know someone who is looking for organizations to apply to send them to this list.

Adopting families will often do anything and everything to raise money for their adoption. From collecting recyclables to holding a garage sale to having a benefit event to cashing in on investments or taking out a second home mortgage. When a family believes they are bringing home their child, nothing stands in their way. But fundraising is tough work. If you know someone who is fundraising for an adoption please consider how you can help. And encourage them to visit this blog for ideas. I also recommend this book. And one more site with fundraising ideas.

Last is the adoption tax credit. If you or someone you know is adopting be sure to mention this. Many families just don't know about it and they miss a HUGE opportunity to offset some of the costs of their adoption. Our adoption from Russia generated a tax credit of more than $13,000. This is not a write off, it is a tax credit. It is still a "back-end" support in that you must complete your adoption first. But for a family that is using a loan to finish their adoption this tax credit can be significant and help to offset expenses.

One of the most significant ways to make a difference for an orphan is to support an adopting family. If you know someone who is adopting, ask if they are fundraising and if there is something you can do to help. They will love you for it.

Adoption Awareness- Aging Out

It's the week before Thanksgiving. You turned 18 over the summer this year. It's been a rough few months. The job your social worker had helped you get before the summer could not work around your school schedule this fall. It's been hard to find a new job without a car. Without steady employment you can't find an apartment that will allow you to sign a lease without a cosigner. And, while your last foster family was good to you, you've aged out so there is not much more they can do for you.

Before your birthday your social worker and foster parents helped you to apply for financial assistance to attend school. You will continue to receive some financial assistance and medical care until age 21. But you are still without an apartment or car. You were fortunate enough to make friends with a few people who let you sleep on their couches and shower before class when you lost your job. But as everyone talks about what they'll be doing for Thanksgiving, you are reminded that you are different. There is no family to go home to. No one to call for advice. No one to help you with an apartment or car loan. You are your own guardian. You are alone.

Each year, over 27,000 youth “age out” of foster care without the emotional and financial support necessary to succeed.  This number has steadily risen over the past decade.  Nearly 40% had been homeless or couch surfed, nearly 60% of young men had been convicted of a crime, and only 48% were employed.  75% of women and 33% of men receive government benefits to meet basic needs.  50% of all youth who aged out were involved in substance use and 17% of the females were pregnant.
 
Source: Fostering Connections

Now imagine you did not age out of the American system, you aged out in Eastern Europe. The day of your 16th birthday you were told to gather your things: the clothes on your back and a few dingy trinkets you have found discarded over the years. You even found a beat up bible in the trash and keep it as your own. All your belongings fit into a small sack. The orphanage director is kind and means well, so you are given a small pouch of food and the equivalent of $30 US dollars before you are lead to the gate at the edge of the orphanage grounds. The groundskeeper unlocks the gate and gives you a nod. You step through the gate and he points to your right to signify which way you should begin to walk. As you gaze down the dirt road he closes and locks the gate behind you. This is the first time in your life you have been allowed to leave the orphanage. And this time you are not allowed to return. You are alone.

·Russia - It is estimated that since the fall of the Iron Curtain there are between 1 and 4 million homeless children in Russia.  There are 30,000 children living on the streets and in the sewers and subways in Moscow .  At around age 16 or 17, orphans are forced to leave the orphanage system and enter the world with limited education and minimal support. Within the first five years, almost 90% of these orphans end up in crime, prostitution, drug and alcohol addiction, or commit suicide.  In Ukraine and Russia 10% -15% of children who age out of an orphanage commit suicide before age 18, 60% of the girls are lured into prostitution, 70% of the boys become hardened criminals. 

Now imagine you are living in an orphanage in China. Your 14th birthday is quickly approaching. You are distinctly aware of each day that passes. You know that children legally loose the ability to be adopted the day of their 14th birthday and you wonder if there is any hope left. Over the years you have watched many of your friends leave the orphanage with their new foreign families. Could someone still come for you? Is it too late? Time does not stop. The day of your birthday comes and goes, un-noticed yet again. You know that the next 2-4 years at the orphanage will pass just as quickly, all without the hope of ever having a family to call your own. When your last day in the orphanage finally arrives you find yourself outside of the comfort and protection provided there. Your 'special need' is not one that others can notice and it pains you to see your friends who were also in the orphanage shunned and ridiculed for their physical differences. Because your name and identification make it obvious that you are an orphan, you cannot find work. There are no options. You are alone.

In China , young people are allowed to remain in their institution only until the age of 16-18 years. However, their future (or great lack of one) is set years earlier, on their 14th birthday. By law, when orphaned children in China turn 14, they become ineligible for adoption, international adoption as well as domestic.

Adoption Awareness- The Disadvantage of Being a Boy

When we first started our adoption journey 2 years ago, we knew going in that we wanted to adopt a boy. Maybe it was a premonition, maybe it was the selfish desire for a balanced family, I know we both wanted Drew to have a brother, but whatever the reason we just knew we were adopting a boy.

Once the decision had been made to pursue an adoption from Russia we started learning about the orphans there. At the time we adopted we were told there were over 700,000 orphans in Russia. But what surprised me was hearing that the majority of the available children were boys. In fact we were told that on average there were 16 boys available for every 1 girl. We were told that the wait time for a referral from Russia was longer for girls but boys were immediately available.

Now that we are adopting from China we have learned yet again that boys wait longer. Because so many girls were available from China in the past, people seem to assume that it is impossible or unusual to adopt boys from China.  This is a HUGE misconception!  Approximately 75% of the children waiting for families in China are boys!

When we started the process this time around we wanted to leave gender undecided and just see what Heavenly Father had in mind. Until we were told, "If you are willing to accept a boy...". I honestly don't remember how that sentence finished. I think it was in reference to how long the process would take start to finish. But I remember distinctly the feeling I had when I heard those words. If you are willing to accept a boy. The statement was not made to make me feel as though that would be the lesser choice, but it did. It made me feel for just a moment that the boys were somehow less valuable.

Why?

Why do boys wait longer? Why are there more boys available? Why does the general public assume that boys are not even available specifically in China?

This fact is true in most countries. All around the world boys remain on shared lists and wait and wait while girls their same age and with a similar special need are adopted. Several agencies will list wait times for referral separately for boys and girls because is it so significant. Most will say: 'boys immediately available' while the wait time for girls is 6 months or more.

This is not only a common issue abroad. The most common legally-free and adoptable children in the United States are 9 year old boys.

Everyone who pursues adoption does so with a conviction in their heart. And I believe that families should be able to say, "We feel called to adopt a little girl" in the same way that we felt called to adopt a little boy from Russia.

But I still think people need to know. Boys are valuable! Boys bring joy! Boys need rescuing just as much as the girls. And boys long for family too.

Adoption Awareness- Changing Lives

Adoption Awareness Month- Orphans Abroad

November is National Adoption Awareness Month. I'm hoping to scratch out enough time each week to add a new post about adoption. There are so many things we just didn't know before bring Jacob into our family. We want to share our love of the orphan.

This first post is a little long-winded. But it is because it hits so close to home. Our sweet baby boy is home and thriving. But I cannot help but wonder where he would be and what his life would be if we had not come.

So many people do not understand the plight of the orphan. Every child without a family is in need. We have thousands of children right here in our own United States that desire deeply to have a family of their own. And the millions of children outside of the United States share this very same desire but endure such different circumstances. Do not get me wrong, so many people are frustrated to see families adopting abroad when there is a need here in the US for "our own". But so many people simply do not know what it means to be an orphan, anywhere in the world.

I would like to share a video. When I first saw it I noticed the length of the video and thought to myself, "I don't have time to watch a video this long." I was just going to skim through to see what it was about. I instead was hooked and watched the entire video. So, if you don't have 50 minutes to watch it now, make a mental note and come back. This video shows an interesting view as it is done by a native Russian who, like many people, just didn't know what the "orphan" label means.

If you do not have time to watch the entire video, skip to minutes 11-15 for a glimpse. Those 4 minutes break my heart because our son was living in a "Specialized Infant Home" and the first diagnosis on his medical record was Perinatal Encephalopathy (brain damage caused at birth) even though his medical record also stated that he had a normal, healthy delivery with high Apgar scores. Our understanding is that he received this "diagnosis" upon arriving at the orphanage. At the tender age of 2 months he was slated to be one of these children forced to remain in a "Special Needs" orphanage even though his development should have proven otherwise.

Just like our son's orphanage, the orphanage featured in the video seems quite nice. The kids play video games and seem to have nice amenities like the unfinished pool being built, the wood shop, indoor basketball courts, and the classrooms. The children talk about their hopes and dreams, what they want to be when they grow up. They seem to all be active, typical children.

After the first 10 minutes the video begins to explain what living in an orphanage really means: the children are captive there, they cannot leave even to visit extended family nearby. They children receive a limited education and will never receive a high school diploma, they can only continue on to vocational schools later in life. The majority of the children are labeled as having "mental retardation" and will forever be limited by this diagnosis that seems to be given without much consideration. The emotional damage of the children's environment shows as the documentary continues. And the response of the staff to children acting out is to send the children to mental institutions for correction. The children are literally drugged and isolated for months as a response to behavioral issues.

If you take the time to watch the entire documentary I hope you will consider that every system is a broken system. Children need families, not substitution care. Our own foster care system in the US which would ideally encourage an individualized family atmosphere, complete education, and all the opportunities other children would receive (remember I said ideally) is simply not enough. Every child deserves and needs a permanent loving home with parents they can call their own. Whether they are living on the streets of South America, starving in Africa, hidden in mental institutions in Eastern Europe, lacking medical care in Asia, or desperately trying to fit in to a foster home in America, they need to come home. They need the love and devotion of parents and family.

Not everyone can adopt a child, but those that want to adopt need help and support from those who can't. What can you do to help?

Family Day- one year home!

Sunday was our very first Family Day. Some adoptive families celebrate "gotcha day" to remember the day they brought their child out of the orphanage. We have chosen to celebrate and remember Family Day as the day we were all united as a family for the first time.

It doesn't seem like a whole year has passed since this day:

But it has.

 

I'm sure you've already had the chance to see our adoption video. And the first month home video. And the 6 month home video. So I am assuming you saw this one coming:

 First Year Home

The Race and some other stuff

Y'all need to hop on over to our other blog and check out our AMAZING race in Texas! It was awesome.

After our race in Texas Brad and I had a 4 hour layover in Salt Lake. My aunt and uncle live close enough that they were willing to pick us up for dinner and a little visit. It was perfect. Our stiff legs needed the stroll through City Creek and Temple square.

And our taste buds needed the Crown Burger. Oh yes, the Crown of Burgers. It was so very good.

While we were gone Brad's mom and my mom had taken care of the kids and managed to get them all to two consecutive trunk-or-treat events. I asked my mom if she got any pictures of the kids in their costumes. Apparently I must choose between the children being cared for and pictures being taken because Jacob would not let the two of them rest long enough to bust out a camera. He is a busy little boy...

That's some high quality picture taking right there. Two out of four isn't bad.

 

With 4 little trick-or-treaters I realized this year that we accumulate an incredible amount of candy. While attempting to nonchalantly syphon a fair amount of the kids candy into the bowl we would hand out to the other sugar-hungry children in our neighborhood Halloween night, Caitlin caught me in the act and said, "I knew it! You'll never find mine!"

Dang. This was easier when she was younger...

Punkins

It's officially pumpkin season! All kids love the pumpkin farm. Mine were lucky enough to visit two of the area's finest one day after the other.

The local pumpkin patch that each and every one of my kids' preschool classes have gone to:

 Drew and his buddies from school

Drew and Jacob enjoyed feeding the goats

And the "big one" just a couple towns over that folks from all over the county and beyond come to visit:

Amber riding the zip line like a boss!

 

 

 

Fall makes me happy!