9 Months Home

We are closing in on the end of the school year and our first year home with Ty. And to be entirely honest, I cannot wait for both!

Each year I dread the end of the school year. I think it has a bit to do with the fact that 3 of the past 4 end-of-school-year experiences have included preparations for international travel. Last-minute projects and testing abound. End-of-year parties and teacher appreciation soak up all extra funds and time. The kids have lost every ounce of enthusiasm for assignments and schedules. They long for the lazy summer routine. The weather begins to heat up and tempers follow suit. And by June 1st I am SO very ready to just have my kids all to myself again.

Spring break starts in Mom's bed.

I can't wait for a summer outside.

Cousins.

Our "first year" milestone is an event I eagerly await as well. We enjoyed a long and healthy honeymoon period. We crammed more fun into the last weeks of summer 2014 than we usually manage over the entire break. Love and joy were everywhere. Siblings were patient and loving. Mom and Dad were relishing the joy of finally having our boy home. And everything was a new adventure.

Adventure still awaits around every corner. Look at that war face.

Colored eggs!

Flying

Making mom a bouquet.

Mommy's pirates.

Our honeymoon was derailed in a major way in November when Ty went in for his corrective surgery. I'm not sure we have yet recovered. The surgery itself was a great success. But the emotional toll on our son and our family was something we were not prepared for. We are still working through the emotional aftershocks. Our son's past is not something we will ever share in detail in a public forum like a blog. But it is fair to say his greatest fears, traumas, and struggles are rooted in experiences related to or resulting from his first surgery in China. We had no idea what that little outpatient surgery would bring up in our boy.

But, that being said, when I look back at how far we have all come in the last 9 months it is surprising. Ty makes me so proud. He is learning. He is trying. He wants to fit in to this family. He wants to trust and obey. He wants our love and affection. He is an amazing boy.

Lego man.

Just a few of my favorite people.

Always a charmer.

Ty's latest developments:

-Ty is reading independently at grade level now. He LOVES being able to complete his homework without someone reading all the instructions. He will frequently go to the bookshelf and chose a story to read aloud to himself, just because he can. He enjoys reading books to his little brothers. And every night Ty eagerly waits on his bed for a bedtime story. He listens to every word.
-Ty continues to grow like a weed. He has blown through another shoe size and is filling in his size 8 clothes. He now weighs as much as Amber and has nearly caught up to her in height. We continue to think that his estimated age in China was off by about a year. But it will work to his advantage in school and other endeavors, so whatever.
-Ty has taken an interest in the family piano. He asks when he can begin lessons so I am thinking it may be on our summer list...
-I love the way this boy has embraced the gospel. Ty gives the most beautiful heart-felt prayers of any of our kiddos. He loves to tell me all about what he learns in Sunday School. And he is so very proud of participating in our nightly scripture study (mostly because of that new-found reading ability). I love hearing him talk about Jesus and his Father in Heaven. He has told me several times, "In China we no have Jesus. Why?"
-Ty has jumped into family chores this month. I think it is because this is a comforting activity to him. Many orphans are taught to do things very meticulously and with order and routine. Ty loves learning new chores and responsibilities. He loves to know the how and why. He is our most capable helper around the house. And that says a lot considering his sisters are older and have been doing chores longer...

I am longing for the "one-year" mark so that we can finally start experiencing things without the brand new excitement that we have now. I want Ty to begin to see the predictability of the seasons and holidays in our home. I want him to see that there is an order and a balance. And while novelty of everything being new is fun, I want the security of predictability for our boy.

We have so much to look forward to in the months ahead.

Falling in Love With Pictures

It is so easy to love someone in pictures.

I remember this sweet face rather than the sleepless nights, exhaustion, and moderate to severe postpartum depression:

Drew one week old.

I remember the joy and constant entertainment of this little package rather than the raging tantrums, seemingly defiant outbursts, and daily battle to manage basic toddler care like brushing teeth and hair and potty training.

Amber 3 years old.

I remember the super sweet and thoughtful girl who everyone wanted to be best friends with rather than the sassy, obstinate pre-adolescent (yes, even she was a major handful for a while).

Caity almost 10 years old. Ten was much harder than 13.

And I remember the months after coming home with this little cherub as being filled with gratitude and adoration rather than the l-o-n-g days of wading through attachment issues and orphan behaviors.

Jacob 1 year old, home 2 months.

It's what we do. We remember the best in pictures. I have blogged about this before. "You never see the hard days in a photo album. But those are the ones that get you from one happy snapshot to the next."

But what about when it happens in reverse? What about falling in love with pictures of someone you have never met? What happens when those pictures become the real life version and you have to make sense of the discrepancies between what you thought you saw and what now stands before you?

This happened a little bit with Jacob. I was so head-over-heels in love with the blond-haired, blue-eyed cherub in the picture. I imagined what it would be like to have him in my arms. I day dreamed about his siblings fawning all over him. I swooned over the thought of his someday reaching for me eagerly as a baby does for their mama.

Jacob's referral photo. Approximately 8 months old in Russia.

I did not have an unrealistic expectation in this fantasy. I just failed to focus on the time and effort it would take to get to that point. I envisioned the successes, not the work it would take to get there. And not through any fault of my own. I knew it would take work. It was just not possible to know what it would actually take to get there.

Now, as we work through this process again, I am better understanding what it means to fall in love.

Ty is not a baby. He has not had the advantage of being in our family as a toddler who requires daily touch, care, and direct involvement in every activity. So the process has taken much longer. It fluctuates much more. Some days our bond is strong. Other days he feels distant. It was so easy to love the pictures.

Ty five and six years old in China.

 Real life is so much more complicated than 'cheese' faces and happy snapshots. Being 'in love' does not just happen. And I believe that "falling out of love" is a lie. There is not such thing. Love is something you work for. You fight for. You sacrifice for.

You can choose your way out of love. You cannot simply loose it. And if you want to be "in" it, you have to work for it. Sometimes you have to work really hard.

I have a new set of pictures of another son that I am head-over-heels in love with. And our reality is quickly approaching. I am actually looking forward to being back at square one again with our new son because it will bring to light how far we have really come with Ty. He is beginning to trust. He is beginning to truly love. He is beginning to "fit" a little better. And I am confident that when our 15-year-old steps through that front door we will all realize just how far we've come.

Each time we go through this process I am learning something new. Each time I get a little closer to what I want to be. Each time I learn a little more about who God wants me to be. His love has never been conditional. He is showing me what that really means.

Repeat

I have noticed many patterns in our adoption experiences. With all 3 adoptions I have gone through a little phase of writer's block before we travel. I just feel quiet. I want to add posts to record the goings on before we travel. But I lack the ability.

I have been pretty quiet the last few weeks as we have waited for our approval and travel dates. It's a little bit like holding my breath during the wait. Friday I had that breath knocked right out of me when we were told that our dossier was not approved and needs to be edited. We will need to re-submit the corrected dossier April 20th and wait another 3 weeks to hear if it has been approved before receiving travel dates.

With all three of our adoptions there has been a significant delay in one or more of our trips. With Jacob we were originally told we might travel to Russia in June of 2012 to meet him. But our judge took the entire month of July for vacation so our trip was delayed until August. I still remember vividly my frustration and longing to meet my precious baby.

Journal entry May 29, 2012: Our travel might be delayed until August because our judge is taking a summer vacation for the month of July. It is hard to think of waiting another month or more longer. The end of June felt so close and August seems like an eternity away. I can't wait to hold this little boy!

Journal entry June 18, 2012: We confirmed that our travel has been delayed until August. I am focusing on the positives to try and distract me from my disappointment: 1. We can travel for the 4th of July, 2. I'll be able to focus more on making the summer fun for the kids, 3. I'll be able to coach soccer, 4. The kids will be well settled into the school routine before Mikhail comes home, 5. Our finances will have that much longer to catch up and less chance of running out of funds. I would trade it all to be there in the next 2 weeks but it is not a bad list.

With Ty we were expecting to travel to China in April of 2014. Then May. Then June. Finally we traveled in July. I remember vividly the frustration and longing to meet my sweet boy.

And now as we are experiencing our first (and hopefully only) delay in travel to Ukraine, that same frustration and longing has come yet again.

This is the part of international adoption I think I like the least. I know we will travel soon. I know I will meet my son. I know he will soon be home and in our arms. I even know all of this will happen in just a matter of weeks. But not knowing the dates of our travel, trying to plan without being able to plan, and feeling like it will never actually happen, even though I know it will, makes me a little nutty. This is a difficult. But unfortunately it just seems to be a necessary phase 'cause it has happened every time.

Nesting

I am an organised person by nature. I just like order and predictability. And when we are preparing to bring another child into the family my need to organize goes into hyper drive. It happened with all three of my natural born kiddos. It has happened every time we got ready to leave the country to bring Jacob and Ty home. And now, even though we have more than one trip before bringing our son home, I just can't satiate my need to overhaul our "system".

I have been trying to get our kids more involved in the day-to-day processes around our home. I believe they need to learn life skills, they need to learn to serve others, and they need to learn to be responsible. But, as I have also mentioned before, I have a really hard time letting go of the tasks I want them to learn. I can do it faster. I can do it better. And I can save a lot of eye rolling, exasperated sighs and grunts, and arguments about who's turn it is to do what by just doing it myself.

It is hard to watch someone load the dishwasher inefficiently and end up with dishes left in the sink. It is hard to leave water spots on the mirrors in the bathrooms because little hands are only so coordinated and little eyes don't catch the details that I see. It is hard to see the lines in the carpet where a little person tried to vacuum the whole room but missed a few spots. It's hard to find remnants of trash left on the floor around the trash cans that were just emptied by someone who didn't bother to check if anything fell out when they emptied. And the hardest part for me is to leave all of those details unmentioned in the moment to praise the effort given and make a mental note to instruct again net time before the task.

I know, it's a sickness. I know, I need to let go. But this is my weakness (one of many). Brad is so much better at all of this than I am. But daddy working so many extra hours means mama is the one helping littles each weekday and weekends to learn these tasks.

So, in an effort to quiet my own anxieties and still keep the kids involved, I have added a few new systems. And I am so excited to see they are actually working!

First was a new laundry system. Originally I liked the idea of the older kiddos doing their own laundry and the littles just helping mom. Let's just say this was a complete fail. No need for details.

So here's the new arrangement: One child is designated each week as a "laundry helper" and another child is designated as "laundry folder." For 7 days those kids accompany mom in the laundry room whenever I happen to be in there. It's not up to them when it happens, it is just one of their chores for the week. I guide and direct the helper in how to wash the clothes and instruct (and help the littlest of folders) on how to fold and separate the laundry. Then the folded laundry is placed into each family member's basket for put away. Each night after baths and showers the kids put their own clothes away and return the empty baskets to the laundry room.

It has been 3 weeks so far. And it's working! No more digging through 4 loads of clean laundry that hasn't been put away yet to try and find one family member a pair of socks. No more complaints about putting away laundry or about having to help with clothing items that "aren't mine". And all of the kids are finally consistently involved in a daily life skill! We'll see how much longer this system stays in place. But for now, it is brilliant.

Next was a new way of assigning weekly chores and tracking some of the highly coveted responsibilities for family night: I cut up a plastic cutting board to make durable little tags to hang in the kids' lockers. Each of the kids are responsible for two daily tasks, one family night assignment, and one Saturday chore. The chores all get rotated Monday night after bed.

Another success! I have been shocked to see how excited the kids are about these chores. They tease each other about the less-desirable (like picking up the dog poop) and eagerly anticipate some of the others (like doing the dishes, who knew they would ALL love this?). It has only been three weeks but I cannot believe how happy they all have been to do their chores. It wont last. It can't...

Last and most recent has been an overhaul of our school lunches. I was so tired of blowing through 4 paper lunch sacks and 16 ziploc bags every single day. I had been worried about the kids loosing lunch boxes and containers if I sent them to school. But after 6 months of paper bags and all of the trash inside coming home every day I realized how much waste we were creating and that the kids really could bring everything back consistently since I had never asked for all of their trash back yet it managed to arrive every day for 6 months. And on top of that our menu seemed to be on constant repeat. I wasn't even eating the lunches and I was tired of the food.

So, the new plan: I compiled a list of lunch ideas to last 4 weeks. I have never sent hot lunches before, even though I have wanted to, so I decided now was the time to try. For me planning ahead so I don't have to think about anything in the moment is the key. So I created a meal plan for the month so I can grocery shop ahead of time and just make whatever is on the list that day rather than trying to convince my tired brain to be creative at 6:45 am.

We are running out of cupboard space so the rolling cart was a must. It sits next to the refrigerator until I need it.

Dip cups and utensils.

Cold lunch containers.

Hot lunch containers. And lunch pails on the bottom.

The new lunch system has only been in place for 2 weeks but everyone is so happy. School lunches are exciting again!

The last overhaul project left on my list is the garage. But with daddy working so many hours I don't know that it will get done before the final trip. I have designed a tool corral for Brad's tools and trailer, shelving for toys and sporting equipment, bike racks (this is my favorite and most coveted item, I'm so tired of crawling over bikes to get anywhere in the garage), and a re-organized play space for the big kids. We promised the kids this extra space back in December before Amber's birthday. But we've had to save for the materials and dad needs more than a one-hour break from work to start this project. Poor Brad, he never gets a break.

I'm excited about all my little projects and new systems. Let's see how long the kids' enthusiasm will last this time...