Birthday Boy

It finally came! Ty's very first birthday ever. He is emphatic that he has never had a birthday before. The Chinese tradition is to celebrate only the first birthday of a baby and possibly birthdays of the elderly. Having a birthday party is just not customary to the Chinese. Ty tells us he didn't even have a birthday when he was one. And when we sent the birthday cake to him in China last year, the orphanage workers brought a few of the 1 year old babies to enjoy the cake with him so he did not realize it was a "party" for him.

Ty and his buddies last year at his "birthday party." The babies in the background were all turning one. Birthday cake is a western tradition. Ty apparently had no clue this was for him.

Zhou pointing to Ty's birthday card and Ty listening to our family sing "Ju ni sheng ri kuai le" (the happy birthday song). Still not getting it...

But happy to be getting some stuff from mom and dad.

Even though we sent him a birthday card in Chinese and a recording of our family singing the birthday song in Mandarin it just didn't register. He had never experienced a birthday party before.

This year he is very aware of his birthday. We have been hearing about it since the week after Christmas. This is a celebration that was met with great anticipation.

Our family tradition is to have doughnuts for breakfast on a birthday. This is far more fun when the birthday is on a weekend or over a break from school when we can all stroll into the doughnut shop in our jammies and select whichever doughnut is calling to us that day. But because Ty's birthday was in the middle of the week this year we had to settle for doughnuts greeting us at the table before school.

Ty requested cupcakes for his school treat. When I showed up to drop them off before the lunch recess he ran up to me with a giant smile on his face and gave me a big hug. He was so excited to be in charge of passing out his birthday treat to his classmates.

This is where we derailed a bit from the normal birthday sequence of events. Ty had a very hard time the night before his birthday which got him into some trouble. That mixed with the excitement of the actual day finally arriving was emotionally too much. I received an email from Ty's teacher letting me know Ty had a major meltdown in class. There is no need to share details here, but it was obvious his little emotions were running way too high to keep all of the hype up for the rest of his special day. So I put away the decorations I had planned to surprise him with after school. I adjusted our dinner plan. And we chose not to do a special treat after dinner.

Instead we focused on connecting play, ate a balanced nutritional meal, and tried to keep stressors at a minimum for the rest of the day. Ty and I were able to spend time together after Daddy came home, just the two of us. We snuggled. We talked about feelings. And we looked at pictures and mementos from China. By bedtime Ty was his normal happy self.

The remainder of the week was spent in anticipation of Ty's party. As the week went on he increased his number of gift requests daily, changed guest list almost daily, and asked constantly about his party. Because of his responses earlier in the week I kept everything as low-key and nondescript as possible.

Saturday morning finally came. Each of the kids get to go on a special outing with Brad's mom for their birthday. Since this is all new and overwhelming for Ty I chose the destinations and came along to help watch for signs of overload.

We started with lunch at In N Out. Ty is always up for a good burger and fries.

Then we went to SunSplash for as much fun as we could handle. Ty has been asking since the summer if we can go back to SunSplash. It took about 3 months to convince him the slides are not open after school starts. And he has asked numerous times if we can go see what else is there.

We started with mini golf.

Spent about 10 minutes in the ridiculously overstimulating arcade.

Ty and mom enjoyed a game of lazer tag together (Grandma opted to sit this one out).

The black lights made his mask look fantastic.

Then to finish off the day Grandma took Ty on a go kart ride.

After our special outing with Grandma we went home for some much needed rest and processing time.

Then it was finally time for the party! We chose to keep it super simple and just invited family and friends to a local park where the kids could run wild and free. This turned out to be the perfect arrangement for Ty.

After the party we finished off the night with a family dinner at Nana's house. Nana always let's the birthday boy or girl chose the menu. Ty requested orange chicken and noodles. When my dad saw Ty's full size adult plate with orange chicken, soba noodles, rice, egg rolls, and green beans piled high he asked with doubt in his voice, "Do you really think Ty can finish all that?" Oh yes, he did.

After dinner Brad and I presented Ty with his last special gift: a new bike.

By the end of the night Ty was wiped out, but happy as could be.

Happy birthday sweet boy!

Taming the Me-Monster

We try to approach all of our challenges with as much humor as possible. So, please do take the time to watch all 4 minutes of this comedian. In addition to the chuckles you will take a glimpse into just a few areas of our current situation.

Ty (and many internationally adopted children) has an enormous Me-Monster. Usually he does not realize he is doing it. He does not understand it. And when we point it out he does not like it. But our son has an insatiable need to top everyone else and never be satisfied with what he he has if someone else has something different.

Most of our struggles during month 4 and 5 have been rooted in this Me-Monster. We see the Me-Monster in 3 main areas:

-Wanting to be the best/first in every environment: EVERYTHING Ty does needs to be better than those around him. He is always keeping score and eagerly points out how many/much more he has than whoever else is nearby. Whether it is the number of food items on his plate, the number of catches he can make, how much faster he can ride his bike, how much food he can fit in his mouth, how fast he can get dressed in the morning, what he can build with legos, what words he can read or define, or even getting out of the door first. He frequently arranges his "competitions" with opponents he knows he can dominate just so he can get the win. If he thinks he will loose he will sometimes refuse to participate. Just the other day Ty fell apart into complete hysterics because he was riding bikes with his brother and Drew was not interested in racing with him. When I talked to Ty about it he told me through tears, "I want to be first!" No one was racing. There cannot be a first when no one is racing. He knew there was no race and he lost control of his emotions because he was unable to create a situation where he could win.

-Wanting exact equality: any time someone else receives something or is allowed to do something Ty must immediately ask if he can have it too. Play dates, food, new toys or clothes, special outings, personal belongings. To Ty, if someone else has or gets to do something he should too. It goes beyond an age appropriate behavior and borders on obsessive. If Caitlin stays after school for choir he asks if he can stay too. When the answer is no he immediately asks what circumstances need to be before he can (when he is x years old or in x grade or doing x thing). If he finds out that Drew was allowed to hold the iPad after Kindergarten he insists that he must hold the iPad too. And if the answer is no (or "after you finish your homework") he insists it is not fair. Brad and I make it a point to get the kids out for a brief moment alone as often as possible so if Dad lets one of the kids ride along to Home Depot or I take one of the girls to the grocery store the first words out of Ty's mouth are, "Can I go too?" When the answer is no he pouts and whines, "Why!?" "Because you went last time/will go next time" is never a good enough answer. If any of the kids is offered a snack that is different than the one he has he will ask if he can have it too. If one of the kids gets a new pair of pants or shoes because theirs were worn out he insists that he needs a new pair too. You probably get the point, but I cannot emphasize how constant this need is. It is exhausting.

-The need for control: Since the first day we met Ty he has wanted to be in charge. He frequently tries to "parent" his siblings. He tries to control any and every circumstance he can. If we ask him to get in the car he must seek out and stop to pet the cat first so that it can be on his time. If we offer him a cookie after dinner he wants to pick his own out of the bag rather than being given one. If there is a conversation he is not involved in he finds something (anything) to say to try and gain control of the conversation and attention. He will often try to tell Brad and I how to drive and which direction to go. If he is playing a game with his siblings he must have his hands on all the pieces. Only he can shuffle the cards. Only he can build the race track. Only he can enforce the rules and count spaces on the board.

To someone looking in from the outside and not knowing the history, these behaviors would make Ty look like a spoiled little punk who is being given too much power. But that is just the trick. These behaviors are all rooted in insecurity and lack of control. Ty spent over two years living in an environment where nothing was his to control. Nothing was his to keep. Nothing was his to ask for. Many of the behaviors listed above are exactly what got him to the top of the pecking order in the orphanage and ensured he received the best of the meager resources available to him.

Being the star of the institution who could run circles around everyone else got him attention. The caregivers gushed over his abilities. He was validated in his accomplishments whether or not his opponents were capable of keeping up. To Ty, crushing "competition" is a survival skill.

For over two years Ty lived in an environment where the simple basics of life were equal in every way. Every orphan had the same bed, the same blankets, the same toothbrushes, the same plates and cups, the same desks, the same supplies. No one got to pick what they wanted. If something special or different was offered, it would likely go to the caretaker or director's "favorites". Being the favorite who receives special treatment is another survival skill. Having siblings who are receiving or being allowed to do things differently is a perceived challenge to Ty's status as 'favorite'.

And control is rooted much deeper in our boy than any of his other personality 'quirks'. His loss of control began long before the institution. For 7 years he has experienced loss, discontinuity, and unpredictability in the most basic areas of need for a child. Love has not been consistent. Parents have not been consistent. Basic physical needs and protection have not been consistent. It is ingrained in his little soul. Constantly grasping for control of something, anything, may always remain Ty's greatest survival skill.

The Me-Monster has caused a fair amount of trouble over the past few months. But we are learning to recognize it, understand it, and manage it well. And Ty is learning to let go just a little bit. This part of our boy will never just go away. But we know, with time, Ty will learn to trust others more and rely on himself less.

6 Months Home!

Months 4 and 5 were a little rough. But we have rounded a major corner during month 6 and it feels so good! I decided to put together a 6 month video.

I have come to realize these videos have become a therapy for me. I am able to see all of the positive experiences we have had together in such a short amount of time. I am able to recall and recognize how far we have all come. And I am able to immediately feel overwhelmed with gratitutde and love for my son. Some days the boost of love is desperately needed. And as we dig our way out of months 4 and 5, a new video is in order.

I do not try to "paint a pretty picture" with our adoption stories. They really are as miraculous and overall positive as our blog portrays. But this is real life. These are real kids. And parenting is really hard. It is okay to acknowledge and share how hard the beginning months of adoption are.

Do we love our son? Absolutely. No doubts. No questions. I have heard many adoptive parents say they struggle to feel love for their adopted child when challenges come up in the beginning months. This is my boy. I love him more than life. All 4 of our other kiddos have claimed Ty as their brother. Ty claims Brad and I as mom and dad. And he is, in all ways, our son.

Are we glad we added our 5th child to our family? Even in the chaos I can say 100% yes. We are adjusting. It is hard. But I would never go back or change a thing. We have all grown so much and learned things we would never have known without Ty. He is making us better parents, better siblings, and a better family.

Are we having fun and enjoying this experience? It should be obvious in pictures, but the answer is undoubtably yes! One of the reasons this is an exhausting experience is because we are swinging from amazing "perfect" moments back into reality every day. The reality is we have a lot of work to do. We are learning to guide our son through his past and show him where he fits now. It takes a lot of effort. So to go from the high of all of our adventures immediately back into the reality of still being on the battle field is best described as tiring.

So, is this in any way easy? Umm, capital N-O. Parenting 5 children (adopted or not) is not easy. It is not always positive. We don't often get it right the first (or 12th) time. In fact, many times Brad and I go to bed saying, "It's a good thing we get to try that again tomorrow." We are a major work in progress.

There are many reasons the past weeks have been challenging, and I will likely make another post soon, but this post is about celebrating 6 months home with our boy. So here's the latest:

- Ty lost his first tooth at home! He didn't make that big of a deal out of it. Until his sister told him about the tooth fairy. Sigh. We have the worst tooth fairy ever. I don't know why my kids even put up with her. It takes days to finally see the magic of the tooth being replaced by a shiny coin. Amber told Ty the fairy has to walk a long distance to make it to our house. Ha! Our fairy is apparently wingless. But, to say there was excitement over this experience is an understatement.

-Since we arrived home from Utah all we have heard about from Ty is his birthday. Ty will be 7 this week. I am not sure if the Christmas experience caused extra interest in his birthday or what. But I will actually be glad when this week is over. Maybe we will finally hear about something other than his birthday. "I want a spider man cake for my birthday." "What will you buy me for my birthday?" "Can _____ come to my birthday?""In China I no have birthday." "How many days to my birthday?" "Why we only have one birthday a year?" "Why birthday not every day?" "Mom, when it my birthday you bring donuts to school for my class." EVERYONE knows his birthday is in 10 days, 8 days, 7 days, 5 days, the day after tomrrow. Because it is the first thing out of his mouth everywhere he goes. I'm glad he is excited. But I might be ready to celebrate the 364 days until his next birthday.

-Ty loves to sing. Unfortunately he does not know the words to most songs he is singing. It does not stop him. He just opens his mouth and tries to make noise. It makes everyone else in the car a little crazy. But some day this will be one of those "do you remember when" stories.

-Ty's reading is really coming along. He has finally started asking to be read to and will hold still for an enitre book on occasion. I have been encouraging him to read the sight words and simple words he can sound out in his homework. He is very proud of his new found ability.

Six months. I can't believe it has already been six months.

Winter Wonderland

The day after Christmas we drove to Utah to visit family. We had done this last year between the holidays and sent pictures to Ty in China. He was so excited to be on this trip with us doing all the things he had seen in pictures.

Because of paying some dues for the Christmas excitement, Ty had a few minor meltdowns and moments of struggle. We knew they were coming. But this trip was still one of his all time favorite experiences. He kept saying, "This is awesome!"

Jacob moved beyond his holiday over stimulation super quick this year. He was so dang excited about going to the snow. And he managed to sleep like a dream the entire week. So even though we were doing some pretty crazy fun stuff, he kept his cool for the whole trip and soaked in the adventure.

I took this video at 6:30 in the morning after a long night of interrupted sleep for Jacob after Christmas. Jacob woke up that morning asking about playing in the snow. He was so very excited... and groggy.

Jacob took the world's shortest nap during the drive which surprised us after the poor night's sleep. But he and the other kiddos who are used to travel were great. Ty was the one who spent the majority of the drive complaining. He doesn't know the saying but "are we there yet?" was written all over his face the whole drive. We took a few breaks to throw his new football and stretch our legs. But he was the least enthusiastic about our time in the car. Our kids are all great travelers and we made it to my Aunt's house in time for dinner. Once we set foot outside the car for the last time that day, Ty changed his outlook on the trip completely. Driving across two states suddenly was the best idea ever! 

I went over board with the pictures. But this is a trip we all want to remember every detail of. Everyone had such an amazing time. 

  Being with family is the best.

 Jacob LOVES Aunt Marlene (Marleck)

All of the kids were so excited to see the snow. 

We were blessed with the perfect amount during our visit.

My cousins put on a dance party for all the little kids. We all had the best time dressing up in glow apparel and shakin' our groove-thang. Ty thought this was fantastic and danced harder and longer than anyone else in the room. Jacob seemed to be in a little dancing-trance. And all of the little cousins thought this was one of the best parts of our trip.

Our boys needed to be outside a bit more than the rest of our extended family so we got to take plenty of walks in the snow and play in the front yard.

I loved this picture of Jacob's tiny little boot print next to daddy's.

Ty could not get enough of the snow. He crawled in it, laid in it, tried to swim through it, made snow angels in it, asked if he could eat it, and buried himself in it. He makes me smile.

We did all kinds of fun things together from the movie theater to seeing amazing light displays to playing games to doing puzzles to building legos. But I am fairly confident our 5 kiddos favorite activity on this trip was sledding.

After the little kids had their go at the smaller hills we took Ty and Amber to a real hill. Ty could have spent the entire day here.

Amber got too cold and took refuge in the car before the picture. But she loved the hill just as much as the boys.

Our last night in Utah we took our left over glow sticks and laid out a race track in the dark at the park. It is harder to see here than it was in person. This was a lot of fun.

Amber night sledding

Ty taking a jump in the dark

And, Brad taking the same jump...

This was such a fantastic way to bring in the New Year together. I love our wonderful family!

Family Portraits

Merry Christmas to me! I asked for family pictures in the snow. I got 'em! Thanks Nana and Daddy for the dough, thanks friends for loaning a few clothing items to finish "the look", and thanks amazing kiddos for the smiles.

This boy asked for a picture with just his mama.