Taming the Me-Monster

We try to approach all of our challenges with as much humor as possible. So, please do take the time to watch all 4 minutes of this comedian. In addition to the chuckles you will take a glimpse into just a few areas of our current situation.

Ty (and many internationally adopted children) has an enormous Me-Monster. Usually he does not realize he is doing it. He does not understand it. And when we point it out he does not like it. But our son has an insatiable need to top everyone else and never be satisfied with what he he has if someone else has something different.

Most of our struggles during month 4 and 5 have been rooted in this Me-Monster. We see the Me-Monster in 3 main areas:

-Wanting to be the best/first in every environment: EVERYTHING Ty does needs to be better than those around him. He is always keeping score and eagerly points out how many/much more he has than whoever else is nearby. Whether it is the number of food items on his plate, the number of catches he can make, how much faster he can ride his bike, how much food he can fit in his mouth, how fast he can get dressed in the morning, what he can build with legos, what words he can read or define, or even getting out of the door first. He frequently arranges his "competitions" with opponents he knows he can dominate just so he can get the win. If he thinks he will loose he will sometimes refuse to participate. Just the other day Ty fell apart into complete hysterics because he was riding bikes with his brother and Drew was not interested in racing with him. When I talked to Ty about it he told me through tears, "I want to be first!" No one was racing. There cannot be a first when no one is racing. He knew there was no race and he lost control of his emotions because he was unable to create a situation where he could win.

-Wanting exact equality: any time someone else receives something or is allowed to do something Ty must immediately ask if he can have it too. Play dates, food, new toys or clothes, special outings, personal belongings. To Ty, if someone else has or gets to do something he should too. It goes beyond an age appropriate behavior and borders on obsessive. If Caitlin stays after school for choir he asks if he can stay too. When the answer is no he immediately asks what circumstances need to be before he can (when he is x years old or in x grade or doing x thing). If he finds out that Drew was allowed to hold the iPad after Kindergarten he insists that he must hold the iPad too. And if the answer is no (or "after you finish your homework") he insists it is not fair. Brad and I make it a point to get the kids out for a brief moment alone as often as possible so if Dad lets one of the kids ride along to Home Depot or I take one of the girls to the grocery store the first words out of Ty's mouth are, "Can I go too?" When the answer is no he pouts and whines, "Why!?" "Because you went last time/will go next time" is never a good enough answer. If any of the kids is offered a snack that is different than the one he has he will ask if he can have it too. If one of the kids gets a new pair of pants or shoes because theirs were worn out he insists that he needs a new pair too. You probably get the point, but I cannot emphasize how constant this need is. It is exhausting.

-The need for control: Since the first day we met Ty he has wanted to be in charge. He frequently tries to "parent" his siblings. He tries to control any and every circumstance he can. If we ask him to get in the car he must seek out and stop to pet the cat first so that it can be on his time. If we offer him a cookie after dinner he wants to pick his own out of the bag rather than being given one. If there is a conversation he is not involved in he finds something (anything) to say to try and gain control of the conversation and attention. He will often try to tell Brad and I how to drive and which direction to go. If he is playing a game with his siblings he must have his hands on all the pieces. Only he can shuffle the cards. Only he can build the race track. Only he can enforce the rules and count spaces on the board.

To someone looking in from the outside and not knowing the history, these behaviors would make Ty look like a spoiled little punk who is being given too much power. But that is just the trick. These behaviors are all rooted in insecurity and lack of control. Ty spent over two years living in an environment where nothing was his to control. Nothing was his to keep. Nothing was his to ask for. Many of the behaviors listed above are exactly what got him to the top of the pecking order in the orphanage and ensured he received the best of the meager resources available to him.

Being the star of the institution who could run circles around everyone else got him attention. The caregivers gushed over his abilities. He was validated in his accomplishments whether or not his opponents were capable of keeping up. To Ty, crushing "competition" is a survival skill.

For over two years Ty lived in an environment where the simple basics of life were equal in every way. Every orphan had the same bed, the same blankets, the same toothbrushes, the same plates and cups, the same desks, the same supplies. No one got to pick what they wanted. If something special or different was offered, it would likely go to the caretaker or director's "favorites". Being the favorite who receives special treatment is another survival skill. Having siblings who are receiving or being allowed to do things differently is a perceived challenge to Ty's status as 'favorite'.

And control is rooted much deeper in our boy than any of his other personality 'quirks'. His loss of control began long before the institution. For 7 years he has experienced loss, discontinuity, and unpredictability in the most basic areas of need for a child. Love has not been consistent. Parents have not been consistent. Basic physical needs and protection have not been consistent. It is ingrained in his little soul. Constantly grasping for control of something, anything, may always remain Ty's greatest survival skill.

The Me-Monster has caused a fair amount of trouble over the past few months. But we are learning to recognize it, understand it, and manage it well. And Ty is learning to let go just a little bit. This part of our boy will never just go away. But we know, with time, Ty will learn to trust others more and rely on himself less.