Patterns

We have done this before. What I am about to describe has happened time and time again. You would think I would learn. And maybe I have. Because I do recognize each phase when I am in it. But it seems that recognition doesn't help change my emotional response. It is somewhat amusing to me that I seem to fall for the same emotional ride every time.

Last night at this time I was so excited to have the monies we need to submit our immigration paperwork and move forward with agency fees that would be holding us back. I was SO grateful. So full of thanks and gratitude. I was so ready to praise my Father in Heaven for His beautiful miracles and dance about filled with hope and joy.

And then the pattern began: Today we looked ahead to the next step. And. I. Freaked. Out.

Actually, what spurred us to look ahead at numbers was a large shift in end-of-year monies that we did not see coming. This being the last day of the year we received hard numbers from Brad's employer and were able to look at our own business and personal finances for the year. We had missed something that caused a significant shift in numbers.

Our hope has been that a combination of year end monies and a tax return in the next couple months would change the forecast for our adoption needs. The hard numbers do not show the opportunity we were hoping for.

Tonight, for the first time, we had to start talking about the possibility of not traveling together on this trip. There are many reasons we did not want to explore this option:

-Our boys need to recognize from the get-go that mom and dad are a package deal. We are equally important and significant. We can be trusted and we are both completely devoted to them. "Parents" are a new concept to our boys who have spent their entire lives in institutions (unlike Justin and Ty who remember living with their fathers). The first weeks together in country are invaluable as the distractions of work and siblings are not present. Being able to greet our boys together and work toward teaching them from day one is something we do not want to sacrifice.
-This is the first time we are bringing 2 children home at the same time. The logistics of meeting 2 children's needs (especially special needs) will likely require 2 adults full time attention depending on the circumstances.
-Both of our boys have special needs that could be misdiagnosed or misrepresented. In adoption we prepare for the worst and hope for the best. We could arrive in China to find a significant difference in what we expected from our boy's needs and abilities.
-If there is any trouble with paperwork, not having both parents physically present can complicate things. It is also much more comforting to travel with each other in case of travel changes or other changes. Things like a delayed flight (happened on all three of our previous adoptions at least once) can feel much less stressful with your spouse there to battle through with you.
-The emotional weight of adoption and international travel combined with being away from home and children is crazy hard. It is not an ideal time to be 'alone' in the process.

This conversation was hard to have. Neither of us want to travel alone or be left behind alone for 2-3 weeks. But we are running out of options and it is time to take a look at every possibility of lowering expenses to get Nathan home.

And so the freak-out crept in. What if it's not enough? What if we can't even get one of us there in time? There doesn't seem to be a way. These numbers just can't work. Even if the miracle does happen and one of us does go without the other what if they have to face some of the bad 'what ifs' alone? What if what if what if.

It's an ugly phrase: what if. Doubt is the opposite of faith.

The pattern seems to be: rejoice in some form of miracle, experience some form of set back, have an emotional break down of sorts, remind myself that it will be okay and I believe, receive some form of spiritual confirmation that all is well, feel silly for doubting anything in the first place. And, I hesitate to add the last piece, but it has happened every time: within hours experience some other significant miracle that blows my mind and makes me feel like a complete fool for not just waiting in patience.

At this moment I am feeling silly for doubting in the first place. After freaking out and having a good cry in the shower followed by resolving to stop worrying and believe only, I took Caity down to Roseville for a New Year's dance. On my way home I heard this:

My sight is incomplete
And I made you look small
I've been staring at my problems
For way too long

Realign where my hope is set
Until you're all that's left

I don't need to see everything
Just more of you

Brad told me tonight he feels like a child watching his father put together a big puzzle while complaining about not being able to see the picture. "The pieces aren't big enough! You aren't putting it together fast enough for me to see! Can't you work on this part over here?!"

All of the pieces to the puzzle are there. The Father knows how they will fit together. And He knows just how to do it so the picture will be finished in His time. Yet here we sit complaining about each piece he reveals. We want the pieces to reveal more. We want the big picture to become obvious faster. We want the parts we expect to make a difference to progress.

Faith.

Patience.

I don't need to see everything.

Just more of you.

Magnify no other name.

29 beautiful little miracles

December 12th I received the call about LID. December 12th I cried like a silly little baby in Jacob's gymnastics class because I knew there was no way we could generate the $4,000+ we would need to submit our next round of paperwork. December 15 the packet of paperwork and bill arrived in the mail. The bill was $4,520. Our immigration paperwork would be on hold until the agency fees could be paid in full. And so the paperwork sat.

We sent out letters December 14th. By the following Monday donations steadily began to show up on GoFundMe and our Lifting Hands accounts. I cannot describe the feeling of seeing a new donation. It is a deep and penetrating joy. A boost to the spirit like none other.

The day after Christmas we finished filling out our immigration paperwork, filled out our forms and contracts for the agency and made sure everything was in order for 'when' we could send the packet off.

Tonight, December 30th, the 29th donation came through and pushed us over the $4,520 mark.

I wanted to jump off the couch and run to Fed Ex and camp out right then and there. I am so excited to get to send this packet tomorrow! We are no longer on hold. The paperwork will sit no more.

Then it started to sink in: 18 days. It took a mere 18 days. Eighteen days ago I was so worried I was in tears. I could not imagine how we were going to get to the next step. Now, let me be clear: I know a way has already been made for Nathan to come home. I believe. I just could not see the how.

Twenty nine beautiful miracles later the path is clear. We still have a ways to go. But all is well. We need not worry. The first step has been provided and we know the next step will come. We are expecting LSC next week. It could take longer. But we will not be stuck when it happens. Our paperwork is where it needs to be. God is good. To Him be the glory.

One Holl of a Heckiday!

It's almost Christmas!

I think...

This year has been a bit bizarre. There are lights on the house. And as of Tuesday this week there is a tree in our house. But decorations have not happened this year. And there just seems to be a missing focus compared to other years. But ready or not, Christmas is coming!

There have been a few attempts at festivity mixed into the chaos. But between Brad working out of town again, mom being down-and-out with a particularly long cold, a few little speed bumps with our paperwork in China requiring hours of battle with Kaiser, and my dad being in the hospital for the past week, it's been a wild ride.

Monday, December 12, we received LID. This is our "Log in Date" for our paper work in China. Because Nathan is at risk of aging out we were approved for an expedite so our paperwork was on the fast track. By Tuesday we were in translation and Thursday we were in process of review. Then we hit the speed bump: China requested an additional notarized letter from one of our doctors. This was not requested the last time we adopted in China so we didn't see it coming. Kaiser is a bit of a pain when it comes to these letters because they have their own way of generating letters with 'authorized signers' for the doctors instead of notary. Fortunately I have done this before and knew exactly what process to go through to get it done. It just took a few days of persistently hanging out in the right offices. Persistence has become a strength of mine. Today, December 22, I finally have the letter in hand. Hopefully our paperwork will pick up speed again next week.

December 12th I also happened to come down with a little cold. By Tuesday I was dragging. Wednesday I felt like a truck had hit me. And Thursday I was still feeling pretty rough. My dad had undergone a surgery Monday and Thursday I got a call that my mom was taking him into emergency. To make a long story short, my dad has a problem with blood clots and ended up with a large bleed in his chest that collapsed his lung. Thursday I was hesitant to go to the hospital and risk getting one of my parents sick. That was until my dad started coughing up blood. Jacob and I hurried over to emergency and I wore a mask to try and minimize exposure. Brad was able to leave work early to come get Jacob and pick kids up from school. I was grateful to be able to be with my dad and help my mom for the rest of the day. It has been a long week since then of medical question marks, time in the ICU, and a second surgery. We are hoping to get dad home for Christmas Eve.

Amber snuck in a birthday amongst the chaos. I can't believe she is 11! I will admit this has been my least favorite age with both my girls and Amber seems to be following the track her sister was on at this age. But it is so exciting to see my little Bee growing and maturing. Amber is still the life of every party and we are so proud of the hard work she puts into everything she does.

This is why my Brother is her favorite Uncle (not just the only). He not only took her skiing for her actual birthday, he found her a complete set of equipment on Craigslist. Best Birthday present ever.

Happiest Birthday ever!

Brad and I managed to squeeze in a little holi-date for his company Christmas party. No kids. Good food. An excuse to get a little dressy. It was a great evening.

Because Brad has been working out of town so much lately I kept telling the kids we would get a Christmas tree "when dad comes home." This is a tradition we have ALWAYS done together as a family. This is the first year we struggled to get all 8 of us together long enough to do it. We finally decided it was necessary to go with whoever we could get or it was not going to happen. We had about 30 minutes last Saturday afternoon with 7 out of 8 family members so we dashed out to our usual tree lot. They were out of trees... With no time to try another location we again came home empty handed. By Monday of this week my kids started to realize we were not going to get a tree and they were not going to allow such a thing. So I hooked up the trailer to Bessie and took 4 of the kids to Home Depot. It was a sad little selection. We even had to consider getting a potted tree/bush instead. But we found a tree!

Kids took the pictures... But mom can put up a tree all by herself!!

I think that is Caity putting lights on the tree. Kids still taking pictures...

There was an awful lot of excitement over ornaments as usual.

Classic Ty mowing over a sibling to participate.

Even our ugly little left-over tree looks nice all dressed up for Christmas.

With daddy out of town Sunday through Friday night this week we decided some holiday baking was in order! I have to say, this has been the one thing we have done that has felt like Christmas. Delivering goodies and visiting with friends has been the one redeeming activity for my Christmas week. It always feels good to stop and take the time to talk with friends.

Caity planned the treats to be made. They turned out really cute. And yummy...

So, as we hustle through the last couple days before Christmas we are trying to find the Holiday Spirit and slow down enough to remember the reason for the Season. Merry Christmas to all!

Back to Therapy

This past summer I decided Jacob's braces were just too much of a hassle and he spent the majority of the summer barefoot. When school started I just didn't have the motivation to go through the process of getting another new pair of AFOs. He had grown again and it felt like he didn't really need them if he had made it the whole summer with minimal use. So, Jacob has been brace-free for about 4 months now.

I thought we were in the clear. He still gets high on his toes some days but with reminding he can walk correctly with his heels down. And he didn't seem to be tripping and falling like before. That was until about 3 weeks ago when this started happening again:

Tripped in front of the fireplace and hit his head on the metal insert.

Tripped in the doctor's office and hit a chair. The lump forming on the right eyebrow is actually on top of a scar in the same exact spot. This picture is in the pharmacy waiting line. Irony.

Tripped rounding a corner in the house and smashed his left cheek into the wall. You can still see the bruising from his forehead lump and the right black eye. I was a little nervous to go out in public after the third injury.

And so we return to Physical Therapy and may need to consider a new set of orthotic braces.

Because of other factors we are also pursuing Occupational Therapy again for Jacob. He continues to struggle with feeling his body. Pain is not registering. Sensory input is overwhelming. And self-soothing behaviors are increasing again. I am pleased to find that he again qualifies for services so I don't have to push this one through. It is always a relief to have medical professionals confirming your suspicions and following through with a plan of action. It never ceases to amaze me how well my kiddos fly under the radar. I am hearing all of the same things I used to hear with Amber when she was this age. I have master-compensaters. Jacob's needs are a little more obvious than Amber's were. But both of my sensory kiddos manage to perform so well in so many areas it is hard for some to believe the areas they are deficient in.

At an appointment in Pediatric Urology last week it was mentioned that Jacob's high tone in his legs, tripping and needing orthotics to walk correctly may be connected to his struggles with potty training. Our boy could have a neurological condition that is hindering his ability to walk correctly and maintain bladder control. I am so grateful to have a medical team that is monitoring Jacob closely and working toward solutions for him. We are eager to find the best supports for our boy.

As usual, we are blessed.

The Hardest Fundraiser I'm So Glad We Did

Our fundraisers in the past have included cookie dough sales, plastics and aluminum recycling, cell phone recycling, large electronics recycling, farm fresh fruit sales, babysitting, handyman services, collecting change, garage sales, a dinner event, T-shirt sales, silent auctions, direct sales parties, restaurant events and most recently our service project. We have done most of the 'usual' ideas out there. And we have done some of them multiple times.

But there is one we have not done before. It is often one of the first recommended in books, blogs, and websites listing ideas. We have seen videos of other families talking about doing this kind of fundraiser with amazing awe inspiring results. This fundraiser probably requires the least planning of any fundraiser we have ever done. It involves very little cost. And there is no monetary risk involved. Yet we have never done it before.

Why?

It was too scary. Too uncomfortable. It required humility. It required faith. And it required patience. The result would not come immediately or all at once. We were too worried about what others might think. We were too worried about what we would think of ourselves. We were not ready to do something that required us to let go of control. We much preferred the fundraisers that just required extra work and effort. We were good at that.

I just completed this fundraiser today. And I have learned so much through this process. I am so glad we did this, regardless of the monetary result.

We sent out letters today to our close family and friends. These are the people we exchange Christmas cards with, people we have a history with, people we would stop to talk to if we ran into each other at a store. We shared in the letter our circumstances and the flier from our service project fundraiser. This was a request for help. An admittance of our inability to move forward on our own.

This was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in preparing for adoption. Every fold in every paper, every word I wrote on each letter, every stamp I placed on each envelope had to be done with drive and conviction to ignore the fear. "What if they are offended? What if they have personal circumstances that I don't know about and I am just adding to their burden? What if they asked me for help once and I had to say no? What if the timing is wrong with the holidays? What if I address this wrong and they never get it? What if they can't read my handwriting? What if... what if... what if..."

212 letters later I had gone through a lot of 'what ifs.' I have been working on these letters for a week now. The second day I started praying for the strength to just finish. To not give up. I prayed for the people who will receive these letters. Brad and I talked many times to reassure each other that this was the right thing to do. It was going to be okay. And it was okay to admit we need help.

Donated envelopes and printing costs. So blessed.

Monday (yesterday) I got a call from our agency letting me know were are LID (log in date) and to expect LSC (letter seeking confirmation) in about 3-5 weeks. This means our next round of agency fees is due and we need to prepare the next round of immigration paperwork and fees. We have always had just enough in our adoption account to cover each step of the process along the way. All three previous adoptions have worked this way. We have emptied the account many times. But there has always been just enough when we needed it. This is the first time the account is empty and we have to stop, not knowing what to do. I asked how much to expect in the bill included in our packet that will arrive later this week. She said to expect a bill totalling $4,000.

I started to cry. Right there in Jacob's new gymnastics class (thank you home school funds). I noticed a couple of the moms I had just met that morning watching me, probably trying to decide whether or not to ask if I was okay. But there I was on my phone trying to hide the emotion in my voice as I wiped away tears. What a blessing it is to not be stressing the paperwork process! So many families cry away the days as they pass worrying if they will make it in time. But here I was, scared to death of our paperwork flying through the process. So focused on the empty bank account that I could not see the blessing of the accelerated paperwork. I quickly sent Brad a text and he tried his best to reassure me and calm my panicked emotions.

As Jacob and I were driving home I heard this song on the radio and felt a little spiritual ping.

But it didn't make sense to me. I didn't understand how the words applied to me. I just felt the Spirit strongly during the chorus. So I just accepted the little spiritual boost as a confirmation that I needed to not worry and moved on.

When we returned from gymnastics I furiously continued to fold letters and address envelopes. I was grateful for the mundane task to give my antsy body something to do. I had turned Pandora on my phone while I worked and the same song played again.

After I put Jacob down for a nap I decided to look up the scripture passage of this song in Ezekiel 37. In the story God shows Ezekiel a valley full of dry bones. Ezekiel is commanded to prophesy to the bones that they would live. The scriptures paint a very clear picture of the scattered bones moving together and having the sinews and flesh cover them and ultimately breath coming into them that they could stand and live as a great army.

For some reason this imagery in my mind was very clear. It reminded me a little of the old claymation short films. The bones wiggling across the dry sand and coming together one by one. The sinew forming over the bones and the skin covering everything up. The breath coming into the soldiers and their eyes opening as they stood. What a cool depiction of the power of God. He who will resurrect and rejoin spirit to body. He who created life and commands the elements. And all the servant of the Lord had to do was prophesy. Just open his mouth and speak as he had been commanded.

In that moment I realized why this song was on my mind. God does not need a big dinner event or garage sale. He does not need Brad to work 90 hour weeks between two jobs. He does not need a year or more to prepare our finances. He can create an army out of dead dry bones. He can breathe life into what has wasted away.

I still don't know where this money is going to come from. I still feel like $26,000 in less than 126 days is a lot. With our paperwork moving as fast as it is this could end up being a 50 day process. But to the God who can breathe life into dry bones to create a vast army, these numbers mean nothing.

Suddenly my view of those 212 envelopes on my coffee table changed. I realized that we have 212 people we can go to for help. Two-hundred-and-twelve. That does not include casual aquiantences like friends on soccer teams or from school or work. These are real friends. Many of these people have been introduced to our family through the adoption process. God has provided an army of 212 people who care enough about us to receive a letter. Maybe some will immediately toss it in the trash can. Maybe some will think it is a nuisance. Maybe one or two will be offended. But we are not even close to alone. We have an amazing group of friends and family that we can turn to when we have no other options.

This little fundraiser idea of sending out letters has opened my eyes to one of Heavenly Father's greatest gifts to us through this process: the gift of relationships. I have heard of many adoptive families who lose people close to them through the adoption process. It is true, we have definitely had a few defining moments with the people close to us. But this little exercise has helped me to see in a very tangible way just how many people we have added to our circle through adoption. And I feel so blessed to know so many who actually care.

212 of you. This felt amazing.

Under the Clock: Our Plea for Help

135 days.

One hundred thirty five days from now Nathan will age out. One hundred thirty five days from today Nathan will loose the chance to have a family. One hundred thirty five days from today Nathan will resign to living the rest of his life without someone to lean on. Nowhere to go for holidays. No one to ask for advice or help in desperate times. No one to love him when he is at his lowest. No one to celebrate with him during his highs. One hundred thirty five days from today could be a very sad milestone. 

We want to change that milestone to one of hope. One hundred thirty five days from now Nathan can have a family. One hundred thirty five days from now he can have a future. One hundred thirty five days from now Nathan can be surrounded by a family who will support him, cheer for him, comfort him, support him and teach him for the rest of his life.

The only thing standing in the way is money.

Our paper work is complete and on it's way to China. We already have our pre approval for both boys. At this point it is only a matter of time before we receive our Letter Of Approval (LOA). It will likely come next month (everything is expedited for Nathan, we've been told to expect 3-5 weeks).

We are now about $14,000 into the process of getting Nathan and Aiden home. The fact that we have made it this far in 5 months is a miracle in itself. This is the third time in 2 and a half years we have started an international adoption with $0 set aside on day one. But, there is approximately $26,000 to go to get these two boys home. And we have 135 days to find it.

Every time Heavenly Father has brought us to adoption He has brought us through it. We have seen many financial miracles over the past 4 years. We believe a way has already been prepared. We know what it is like to only be able to see the step in front of us. And we have even had short experiences with not seeing the next step at all. We know all is well. We know a way is prepared. We know the next step is coming.

It is time to ask for help. We need ideas. We need cheer leading. And, yes, as uncomfortable as it is to say directly: we need donations. We cannot currently see a way to generate $26,000 in 3 months on our own. We have applied for grants. We have looked into loans. We have considered Brad's side business Honey Do Helpers. We have brainstormed fundraisers. We keep looking at our budget. But there is just not enough time.

So, my friends, it has come to this: we are asking for your help. Here are the things we are looking for:

1. Airline miles: they are hard to transfer, we know. But if anyone out there has airline miles or knows someone with an abundance of airline miles, please help us find a donation of miles. We will have 4 international tickets to purchase (one way tickets for the boys are actually more expensive than our round trip tickets) and a donation of miles could take care of up to $4,500 of our projected needs.

2. Hotel points: A friend of ours recommended we look for Marriott points to offset the cost of our hotels in China. With enough points we can cover all of our hotel expenses and even cover 2 meals a day between the buffet breakfast and access to an evening lounge through our points. These points are incredibly easy to transfer and could cover up to $3,750 of our projected needs. 

3. Prayer for compassion of Aiden's orphanage regarding his orphanage donation: One of the suggestions from other adoptive parents has been to ask the orphanage to waive their required donation fee. At first glance, requiring an orphanage donation seems absurd. This is $5,888 dollars for each child. That means almost half of our remaining expense will be orphanage donations ($11,776). But it is important to realize there is no medical insurance in China. When the orphanage begins the process to make a child 'paper ready' for international adoption it comes with a large price tag to the orphanage. For example: Nathan has received multiple ultrasounds, an MRI, 2 surgeries, hospital time, and additional testing. His file has been updated at least 5 times over the years and each time new exams are done to monitor his progress. Some orphanages rely on this $5,888 and are offended by families who ask to waive the fee. We are aware Nathan's orphanage falls into this category. But Aiden's orphanage may be open to the idea. We are hesitant to ask as they have paid for Aiden to have a Cochlear Implant and even listed the cost of the surgery in his file. But this is something we can ask that could make the difference in getting there in time for Nathan. Please pray that the orphanage director will be sympathetic to our request.

4. Share: Put this blog post in your Facebook feed. Share our YouTube video (below) on Facebook. Put the link to our donation page (also below) in you own blog post or Facebook page. Tell you friends and family about the family in California you know who is trying to get two boys home from China. Heavenly Father has prepared the hearts of people who only need to hear about the need. He will move those to action that He has called.

5. Donate: This one is hard for us. We are very independent people. When we commit to something we do everything in our power to make it happen. We have tried to never claim any glory in these adoption processes. I will be the first to tell you "It is not us. We are not doing this." We have always been content to put in the effort and give tall glory to The Father. But we have never had to ask directly for donations before. We want there to be a "just work harder" answer like there has been in the past. But there just aren't enough days left this time. The number feels too big for patience. Faith for us has always been an action word. Faith in the past has required movement and labor. And we have always been richly blessed for our efforts. We are learning a new lesson this time. It is time to let go. Asking for direct donations is our way of letting go. Even if donations do not come, we want to be obedient in this request too.

Please visit and share our fundraiser page: www.liftinghandsproject.org/krinke.html

Please also share the video of our service project: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R6EBzMa_RFM