Chinese New Year

It is the year of the rooster! Happy Chinese New Year!

Each year we try to add something new to our Chinese New Year Celebration. This year the addition was: family. For the first time we were able to have the whole crew over to our house for dinner. My parents have come in the past. But this year we were able to seat 8 additional adults around our new table! It felt like a real celebration.

I made the usual cuisine:

And the kids received their red envelopes as usual. Caity made me promise not to post the picture as she felt she was making a funny face. None of the kids were looking particularly photo ready so I will honor her teenage-girl request and allow you to imagine their enthusiasm over their little red envelopes with a crisp new bill inside. It's funny how excited they will all get over a dollar.

But mostly we enjoyed each other's company and laughed around the table for a few hours playing games.

We asked Ty what he remembered about celebrating Chinese New Year in China. And we asked the kids what they thought Nathan and Aiden might be doing to celebrate. I love little opportunities to get them thinking about their brothers.

Now that we have the big table they kids are asking a lot more about the boys and when they will come home. Empty seats at the table make us all long for the day the chairs are filled. So far every meal has had some discussion about who gets to sit by Nathan and Aiden when they come home. Warms my mama heart.

Happy Chinese New Year!

Drummer boy

Jacob is having the best time in 'home school.' I say home school with air quotations because it is barely school. We make letters with playdoh. We count toys and match numbers. We draw his name in flour or shave cream or rice. We make crafts and read stories. Basically, we play.

But Jacob's favorite part of home school is being able to participate in gymnastics and drum lessons. Because Jacob is the appropriate age for Transitional Kindergarten he receives funds just like every child in the state. Choosing to school from home allows us to direct those monies to other enrichment activities for Jacob. So he gets to go to gymnastics and drum lessons without an out-of-pocket expense to our family.

Jacob LOVES gymnastics. This boy needs to move his body. Being upside down, doing cartwheels and somersaults, handstands and trampoline is the most wonderful therapy for his little sensory confused body.

And drums? Why drums you ask? Jacob has a natural rhythm like no other. Thirteen months of rocking and self-soothing in the orphanage has taught his little neural pathways perfect timing. He loves a good beat to follow. But beyond that, Jacob also has a sensitivity to sound. Practicing the drums exposes him to lots of different types of sound and helps him cope with intense noises that would otherwise cause him great stress. Our first lesson was down right scary for him. But now? Jacob can't get enough.

Jacob's teacher allows him 5 minutes of 'free play' at the end of his lesson to follow along with the teacher's beat. At first Jacob would just sit with his hands over his ears and his teacher would play as soft as possible. Now Jacob's favorite thing is hitting the loudest cymbal over and over again. 

Jacob's teacher is fabulous and does a great job tailoring each lesson to his ability for the day. Jacob is allowed to touch, take apart, and feel every instrument and learn through touch and movement. 

Helping disassemble and reassemble one of the toms.

This has been an excellent experience for my little drummer boy. I think his brothers are a little jealous. Sometimes it pays to be the youngest.

Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas and Happy Anniversary

Brad and I have been searching for a new kitchen table for months. In our previous home we had a bar where 2 of the kids could sit near us at meal time. In the new house we had no choice but to cram all 8 of us around our little 4-seat table. It's been 7 months of elbow rubbing and jockeying for foot space.

Brad and I bought this table for our very first apartment when we were newly married. It's been through a lot over the past 16 years.

We've been watching Craigslist, checking furniture sales and researching do-it-yourself designs to build a table over the last 6 months. Finding a table that can accommodate 10 on a minimal budget is not an easy task. Time and money are always the barrier. This week I happened to walk down an isle I wouldn't normally see at Costco and there it was: the perfect table on sale!! The price was so low we probably couldn't even build a table and benches/chairs at the same cost. I couldn't believe my eyes. My mom was with me and was so excited for me she offered to help pay for the set. I was told this is my birthday, Christmas, and anniversary gift for the next couple years. I eagerly agreed.

We can fit all 8 of our children at the same table! Drew and Jacob's little wooden chairs will be stained to match soon.

One more little piece of the puzzle has fallen into place. Room at the table and bedroom furniture were details at the very bottom of the list. But it always feels good to settle each little detail. I remember before this adoption when Justin first came home, before our move, thinking, "We can't adopt again because we are full. We have to be on a break until the big kids move out. There is no room in the house, no room at the table, no room in the car. We must be on a break." Then came the 15 passenger van. Then came the 6 bedroom house. And now comes the 10 seat table. Nothing is impossible.

Birthday Boy

Ty is officially 9! Another birthday snuck up on me.

Ty started the day with our tradition of donuts for breakfast. But... I forgot to snap a picture. Next he was off for a day of adventure with Grandma. I am assuming there are pictures... but I haven't seen them. So next I met Ty and Grandma at the Pinewood Derby. Finally a picture!

He was hoping for a birthday win. It didn't work out that way.

After the derby he was off with Grandma again for a birthday movie. When we finally saw him again it was time for dinner, cake and presents at Nana's house. 

Uncle delivered again and offered to take Ty snowboarding for his birthday gift. He did so well last year we figured this would be a great adventure for him. Amber weaseled her way into the equation and Ty was sweet enough to agree. It turned out to be a little harder than Ty was expecting and he ended up falling asleep at the lunch break. When we asked if he had a fun day he said, "Not really." So, it looks like we will only have the one snow junkie in the family. Amber comes home every time asking when she can go again. Just look at the joy on her face as her brother tries to sleep his sorrows away:

If we can convince him to stick with it, Ty will soon master the mountain. But we will first need to nurse his bruised ego. I guess his visions of 360's and back flips on his first day were a little too hard to let go of. Wrestling his way down the mountain like every other beginner was just too much.

Aside from the rough day on the mountain, Ty had a great birthday.  Another year is gone and next year we will be on to double digits!

Ty, you bring us great joy. It is so fun to watch your natural athletic ability and tenacious spirit. No one will ever hold you back from what you want. We cannot wait to watch you grow and see what you choose to become. The sky is the limit for you, young one. I may joke about you needing to survive your childhood before achieving greatness, but that is just because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt greatness is coming. We  love you son!

Almost half way there!

We received notification today that we have been approved for a $5,000 grant through The Gift of Adoption Fund! We are so excited to see we are approaching the mid point of our fundraising goal!

It has been truly inspiring to watch through each adoption as our friends, family and even those we have never met rally around and support us in bringing our boys home. We are abundantly blessed to call each and every one of you our friends.

The pace will no doubt be picking up speed in the next couple weeks. Stay tuned. It's about to get even more exciting around here...

One Step Away

I wanted to post this yesterday. But there was not a spare moment to get on the computer. This was one of the first songs I heard yesterday morning just hours after my last post. Sometimes it really does feel like God controls my radio station.

"One step away from surrender."

"One step away from coming home"

Surrender

After my fancy little post about 'being willing' and 'the only thing we truly have to offer is our will' I apparently needed a little lesson on surrender. Since I wrote that post 9 days ago I have been sliding further and further into the pit of worry.

I am willing. I still believe a way has already been made. I still believe all is well in the big picture. But rather than surrendering my will, it seems I was holding onto the last little corner of it. And it seems to have been a bit of a death-grip on that last little corner.

Today I found myself struggling to focus and get anything done. I just lacked all motivation. Everything seems to be out of control. I am a big fan of control. I much prefer to have a pretty little plan all wrapped up in a bow. I like lists an schedules. But it seems lately that very few things are going according to plan. Work has been stressful. Finances have been stressful. Children have been stressful. Obligations outside of home have been stressful. There just hasn't seemed to be many solid areas of stability and success.

At least so it seemed.

Tonight I had a big whining fest with Brad and vented all of my current frustrations. Once I had vomited all of my complaints on him he quietly rubbed my back. I impatiently (but playfully) added: "Fix it." to my list of whines. Brad tried ever so gently to share with me his own recent surrender. He suggested that perhaps it was time to let go of the worry I was carrying. He reassured me that I was indeed accomplishing all that I needed to right now.

I was not content. I continued to lay there in the dark staring at the ceiling and decided no sleep would be had until I figured this thing out. I proceeded to gather my scriptures, my journal and my paper and pencil and slip back downstairs to empty my brain.

An hour and a half and three pages of scribble later I figured it out: it is time to let go of the worry I am carrying. I am indeed accomplishing all that I need to right now.

Sigh.

While I have been willing all along, I have yet to fully surrender. The worry can be comforting for a little while. Worrying makes me feel like I am doing everything I can. When there is nothing I can do, at least I can worry.

But that is not what I have been asked to do. "Why are ye fearful, O ye of little faith?" "Fear thou not, for I am with thee" "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."

It is time to surrender even the worry (fear).

After my hour-and-a-half whine fest on paper, I decided to continue with three little letters that would change everything:

b...u...t...

Once I stopped focusing on all of the stuff that has me worried and instead focused on all of the things that have been provided, the light bulb came on. The list of things that we are doing well was longer than I thought. The blessings and provisions continued to flow down the page as I surrendered the worry and instead chose to focus on what is good and right. We are doing a lot right now. There are so many positive things going on in our home. We are blessed in abundance. And had I stayed in my little worry pit I would have continued to miss out on the abundance around me.

Our boys are coming home. Our children are thriving. Our home is secure. Our God is in control.

And I don't have to worry.

One Puzzle Piece at a Time

We received news yesterday that we have been approved for a grant! We do not yet know what the grant amount will be. But we are one of the families being considered!

Our understanding of the process is our information will presented before a second committee sometime before January 17 to determine the grant amount. Grants range from $500-$7,500 and an average grant would be around $2,000. The timing of their determination will likely being in alignment with our next round of fees if our LSC does end up coming this week. The grant may not be large. And it may not be anywhere near the amount needed for the anticipated fees. But it is something. Every penny counts. And every little support is soothing to our anxious souls.

We are so excited for each new development and feel blessed to see yet another piece of God's plan. One day at a time. One step after another.

Christmas pics

I have not done a very good job of taking pictures this year. We were able to attend several fun little events together as a family. I just didn't get my phone out to document it as much as usual.

Ty and Drew on the 'camel' at my parent's church party. This was a great event. Good food. Good entertainment. And Christ-centered Holiday activities. I wish I had snapped a few other pictures.

We had a great church party too but apparently the camera did not cross my mind for ours. It was a super fun Polar Express theme. I wish I had snapped a few other pictures.

We have fantastic new neighbors who eagerly invited us to join their annual tradition of having the neighborhood families on our street over for caroling. We enjoyed a few finger foods while the kids all played before gathering around the piano to sing Christmas Carols. Love our new neighborhood.

The camera was a again missing as we attended our favorite annual Christmas dinner party at our friend's home. The kids look forward to this party every year because there is a large game room they are allowed to make a mess in and play with all of the other kids while we adults do the adult thing. This year there were new guns that fired foam balls and a great battle was underway when the boys arrived. We didn't hear from them except to watch them shovel a plate full of ham and rolls in their faces before returning down stairs. I wish I had snapped a picture.

Christmas Eve was unusually quiet this year. It was the first year we have not been able to participate in Christmas promise delivering gifts to needy families in the Sacramento area. Amber pointed out it was a blessing that Christmas Promise closed last year because this year Papa wouldn't have been able to be Santa. Dad came home late in the afternoon Christmas Eve and barely stayed awake long enough for us to get there and help him upstairs at dinner time. We were so grateful to have him home for Christmas.

We didn't do the usual traditions for Christmas Eve this year: baking cookies for Santa, making reindeer food, hot chocolate by the fire, watching A Muppet Christmas Carol. These traditions must return next year. They were missed terribly. And I miss my Christmas eve pictures.

The stockings draped over the couch with care... next year we will hang them.

Thank goodness for grandparents who filled the space beneath the tree! Our kids do not need more stuff, but what is Christmas without wrapping paper and early morning excitement?

Christmas Day I finally had the presence of mind to get my camera out!

There was a decent frost and Jacob kept exclaiming, "It snowed for Christmas!"

The oldest one came running down the stairs half dresses pulling a shirt over his head right after this picture. Rest assured he was present for the presents.

The boys all got a kick out of new sunglasses in their stockings and wore them day and night for a few days.

We enjoyed our tradition of singing Happy Birthday to baby Jesus and blowing out candles before breakfast. The snowman dishes were missing this year but all the usual fixin's were included.

We managed to eat breakfast, open presents, and clean ourselves up for church by 9:00. We were on time! It was a Christmas miracle.

For some reason this one was being particularly sweet Christmas morning.

After church we made our way down to Nana and Papa's. My niece and I joined Nana for her ward Choir performance while Brad and the kids stayed home to supervise Papa and administer meds. After church we made our way back to Nana's for the world's fastest present opening before Papa ran out of steam and needed another nap.

So glad he was there with us even though he was exhausted.

While Papa and Jacob napped the afternoon away Nana and I prepped the Christmas feast. Every time we have a big Holiday meal I can't help but feel gluttonous. We Eat like kings.

The camera again disappeared for the evening while we enjoyed family and friends around the table. This is always my favorite part of the Holidays.

Another Christmas has come and gone. Even though this one seemed to be lacking in some areas and I look forward to next year when we can make all of our usual traditions a priority again, it was still wonderful. We are truly blessed. 

Am I Willing

I can't remember where I read it, but I remember the way it impacted me. This is only what I can remember, not a direct quote:

Because all things come from our Father in Heaven the only thing we truly have to offer Him is our will.

Tonight our brainstorming and difficult discussions continued. How else can we accomplish this thing? Credit cards? Nope. Line of Credit? Nope. Extra side work? We are both willing if the work will come. Even with Brad working out of town right now we can do two full-time jobs again for a few months. New fundraisers? Is there time? Do we have the man hours and brain power? Maybe. We are in prayer on this one. One of us traveling alone and the other staying home? Right now this would be me traveling and Brad staying behind. Neither of us feel good about this one but we will do it if we have to. This is definitely one of the options on the table. We are willing.

And then the gut shot.

What if we have to leave one of them behind?

The only reason we can't make this adoption happen 'on our own' is time. If we had another year we could find a way. What if we were only adopting one in the next 10 weeks instead of two? Pause. Let's clarify: WE REFUSE to leave one of our sons in China indefinitely. But what if we travel for Nathan now and then travel again as soon as we can generate the funds for Aiden?

There are a dozen reasons this is not an ideal choice:
-It doubles our travel expenses
-It doubles the time required away from work and children (aka child care)
-It forces us to shift the focus off of Nathan at a crucial time. Bringing him home and continuing to focus on fundraising does not allow us to focus on him and the adjustment of the children in our home.
-It leaves one of my sons in China. Without parents. Without education. Without all of the things we are working so desperately to provide him. Until we can return we have to leave him.

Am I willing to fly to China, to be in his country, to go through all of the same processes to get Nathan and not see Aiden? Can I be there, that close, and leave him? Am I willing to go through the travel, be away from my children for 2-3 weeks, twice? Are we willing to incur significant travel expenses a second time?

Well, yes, I am willing. If that is really what we have to do to get Nathan home. If it is the difference between getting Nathan home vs. him aging out.

But it will break my heart.

I believe. I believe that IF it really is God's will for us to only bring Nathan home now and return for Aiden I can do it. We will find a way to put the money together to return. And I believe it will be for a good reason. God's timing and purpose are always right and good.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55: 8-9

But it will break my heart.

The reality is we are willing to do whatever is asked of us. Because our will is all we have left to give. That is why this story will be beautiful. That is why it will be perfect. Because it is not our own. God has already written it. And His ways are always higher than ours.