Surrender

After my fancy little post about 'being willing' and 'the only thing we truly have to offer is our will' I apparently needed a little lesson on surrender. Since I wrote that post 9 days ago I have been sliding further and further into the pit of worry.

I am willing. I still believe a way has already been made. I still believe all is well in the big picture. But rather than surrendering my will, it seems I was holding onto the last little corner of it. And it seems to have been a bit of a death-grip on that last little corner.

Today I found myself struggling to focus and get anything done. I just lacked all motivation. Everything seems to be out of control. I am a big fan of control. I much prefer to have a pretty little plan all wrapped up in a bow. I like lists an schedules. But it seems lately that very few things are going according to plan. Work has been stressful. Finances have been stressful. Children have been stressful. Obligations outside of home have been stressful. There just hasn't seemed to be many solid areas of stability and success.

At least so it seemed.

Tonight I had a big whining fest with Brad and vented all of my current frustrations. Once I had vomited all of my complaints on him he quietly rubbed my back. I impatiently (but playfully) added: "Fix it." to my list of whines. Brad tried ever so gently to share with me his own recent surrender. He suggested that perhaps it was time to let go of the worry I was carrying. He reassured me that I was indeed accomplishing all that I needed to right now.

I was not content. I continued to lay there in the dark staring at the ceiling and decided no sleep would be had until I figured this thing out. I proceeded to gather my scriptures, my journal and my paper and pencil and slip back downstairs to empty my brain.

An hour and a half and three pages of scribble later I figured it out: it is time to let go of the worry I am carrying. I am indeed accomplishing all that I need to right now.

Sigh.

While I have been willing all along, I have yet to fully surrender. The worry can be comforting for a little while. Worrying makes me feel like I am doing everything I can. When there is nothing I can do, at least I can worry.

But that is not what I have been asked to do. "Why are ye fearful, O ye of little faith?" "Fear thou not, for I am with thee" "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."

It is time to surrender even the worry (fear).

After my hour-and-a-half whine fest on paper, I decided to continue with three little letters that would change everything:

b...u...t...

Once I stopped focusing on all of the stuff that has me worried and instead focused on all of the things that have been provided, the light bulb came on. The list of things that we are doing well was longer than I thought. The blessings and provisions continued to flow down the page as I surrendered the worry and instead chose to focus on what is good and right. We are doing a lot right now. There are so many positive things going on in our home. We are blessed in abundance. And had I stayed in my little worry pit I would have continued to miss out on the abundance around me.

Our boys are coming home. Our children are thriving. Our home is secure. Our God is in control.

And I don't have to worry.