Relieved- Week Two

I think we have FINALLY found a hiccup. Everything has been so smooth and so wonderful I have started trying to find things I could say were challenging about our experience so far. We experienced a honeymoon phase after bringing Jacob home as well. And our experience with his adoption was equally as smooth and wonderful. But I suspect I have finally found some evidence of some coping starting to surface.

When we arrived home from China our boys' "flexible routine" had shifted by about an hour later into the day. It worked nicely with catching up on jet lag. And Ty fell into our family routine so seamlessly I just stuck with the later bedtime and enjoyed everyone sleeping in.

The last 3 days Jacob has been waking far too early. And today Ty was the first one up long before he should have been. My first alert is always sleep disturbances so my radar was bleeping before the day even began.

During our morning walk I noticed Ty struggling with control issues. If Drew's bike tire was even one tread ahead of his he could just not handle it.

Jacob has been rocking, bumping, thumb sucking, humming, and even grinding his teeth the past couple days. And today on the morning walk his need to rock and hum was unstoppable.

I noticed today that Ty was seeking solitude. He has discovered that Amber will gladly lay in her bed quietly with him and she does not try to speak to him in English. She will play his little charades game without whispering a sound. Every time we were home today Ty would walk to her bedroom door and motion for her to follow. And there they would stay quietly playing with an occasional giggle. I noticed the two of them holding hands several times today. And during movie time they actually snuggled up next to each other on the couch. This is all very sweet, but very unusual for Ty. And so my radar continued to bleep.

Usually Ty will stop pushing for control if I remind him that, "this is my job," or if I simply ask him to stop. Today it was a constant process of reminding and redirecting. He wanted to deal the cards, he wanted to strap the baby into the car seat, he wanted to do the dishes, he wanted to distribute the food. All day he was under my feet trying desperately to be in control of something. It sounds so helpful and thoughtful, until you put adoptive mommy glasses on.

This evening Jacob was being tickled by his sister and he responded with a bite. This was not an act of malice or anger. He was so overstimulated by tickling he felt out of control. He was laughing away, happy as can be and just rolled toward Amber's stomach and chomped down. He has not struggled with biting before. But the teeth grinding is another hint that he needs an outlet and his mouth is releasing some of that energy.

It may seems strange but I feel such relief today. Not living in reality makes dealing with reality when it happens really hard. My boys need to cope with the changes that are happening AGAIN in their lives. Both Jacob and Ty need this reality. They need to acknowledge the change. They need to indicate to us that they are feeling it. And they need to be taught appropriate ways to cope.

Seeing these issues start to surface is so wonderful because it means we are already beginning to progress.

Now, just so you know today was not a bad day by any means, here is a little proof we are still having the time of our lives together:

After our morning bike ride the sprinklers happened to be on. So I ran through them. Ty seemed surprised, but then gladly followed.

After morning chores we packed up and drove to a neighboring town to visit a splash park. Unfortunately, our town's splash parks are not operating this season because of drought. With temperatures reaching 106 today we were greatful the neighbors are!

These two were inseparable today.

I couldn't sneak a picture of them snuggling on the couch, but they moved to the floor soon after.

Ice cream for dessert tonight and playing at the Carl's Jr indoor play area:

Ty does not like being messy. We are trying to change his opinion.

But he LOVES ice cream. And there is nothing that will change that opinion.

Jacob loves ice cream too...

But he thinks being messy is kind of cool.

Something Special

There has been something special about our son from the first day we laid eyes on his picture in October of 2013. I cannot describe it. But Brad and I both know there is something about this specific boy. This one in 1.5 billion Chinese. This one in 143 million orphans. He needed to come here. To come to America. To come to our home. To be raised in our family. And he needed to come now.

I often wonder about God's timing. I am ever in awe of His miraculous plans and the ways He can orchestrate the seemingly impossible. But why us? Why now? Why him?

Today as we were sitting down to lunch I asked the kids who wanted to offer the blessing on our food. Ty eagerly pointed to himself with a proud grin on his face. I admit I had to consciously choose an enthusiastic approval. My initial thought was, "Should I let him? Will it be awkward? Will he be okay?" Fortunately at the same moment those thoughts ran through my head my heart leaped with joy and pushed the smile onto my face before he could notice.

I immediately agreed and sat down to bow my head. Ty folded his arms, closed his eyes, and bowed his head. It was quiet for just a moment and I again wondered if maybe I should offer to help him. Before I could lift my head his sweet voice began, "Heavenly Father..." I think the first words after that were an effort to pray in English, but he quickly switched to Mandarin. I could only understand about 40% of what he said. But it was beautiful. I caught words about our food, each of our family members, and men and women in China.

He went on for what felt like 5 minutes. The littles started getting antsy. I had to help Drew stop fiddling with his spoon and re-fold his arms. I had to give a disapproving glare to Amber when she started to giggle as the prayer seemed to have no end. I had to pull an apple slice away from Jacob's mouth when he decided he could wait no more.

But it was the most beautiful prayer I have ever heard. He was thinking. He was trying. And he was reverent.

When he finally finished we all said "Amen" and he looked at me with the greatest smile on his face. I thanked him and gave him a high five from across the table wishing I were sitting close enough for a hug.

I don't know if he is starting to understand what we are saying in our prayers and simply mimicked what he has heard or if this prayer just came from a special place in his little heart. But either way I was choking back tears.

This little boy is just something special.

Enjoying his thoroughly blessed noodles

He Just Needed a Big Brother

In two weeks time Drew has decided anything Ty can do he can do too. The other day I posted a video of Drew riding a two-wheeler bike. Now he has decided Ty is not the only one who can swim without floaties either.

He just needed a big brother.

The Fun Continues

More pictures to enjoy together later. I have so much I would like to type. Just not enough hours in the day.
It's a good thing pictures are supposed to be worth 1,000 words...

Waiting for his very first "playdate". Our friends who adopted 2 boys from China just 3 months ago came to swim. Ty paced by the front door for almost 15 minutes before they arrived. Excited much?

Playing at the mall's outdoor play place.

Gotta keep up with his big brother. Always.

Enjoying some piggy-back speech therapy with Jacob.

These two are inseparable lately.

Busy Busy

The new norm is just so very busy! We are having THE BEST time together. And I love all of the memories we are making. But there has not been much time left over for, well, anything. But I want to remember these days so I am scratching out a moment to at least throw some pictures up here on the blog.

Another park... surprise!

My poor helper getting more than she bargained for. Caity is the best big sister ever.

Bike ride along the Truckee River

Ty and "Unca" showing off their muscles

Swimming in Lake Tahoe

Feeding the ducks. Ty loves all animals. Like, REALLY loves them.

Always off on an adventure

Throwing rocks at the creek

And last- an attempt at a quick family photo:

Not bad. Until I confess that most of our attempts turned out more like this:

End of The First Week

Today marks one full week home. It finally feels like we are starting to settle. All the bags are unpacked and put away. All the laundry is caught up. Jet-lag has mostly passed (everyone is sleeping through the night, but we are all still a little tired). The orphanage feels further and further away. Life without Ty is starting to feel distant.

Today was quite nice despite Daddy working a 14 hour day. We convinced Ty to stay in his jammies longer than 30 seconds after waking.

We went for the usual walk with Bella this morning. But after Ty wrecked and scuffed up his knee good enough to warrant a band aid, we dropped Bella, Caity, and the little boys off at home so that Amber and I could take Ty out for a lesson on the proper use of his bike breaks. He enjoyed the full-speed riding we are not able to enjoy with Jacob in tow. And he learned how to use his breaks with a little more control.

After lunch we took care of some paperwork at the kids' school and stopped by a park before nap time. My mom picked up the girls for an outing, so once Drew and Jacob were down for naps, Ty and I had the chance to finally have some one-on-one time. He got a kick out of taking pictures of each other and the dog. And we spent over and hour painting together. This boy has some talent with water color. He watched me intently and was able to do an impressive job for his first time ever using water color paints.

Can you predict what happened next based on our daily routine? That's right, we went swimming.

After dinner we took Drew to the tennis courts to work on riding his new two-wheel pedal bike (he has been on a Strider Bike for a couple years now). It took about 30 seconds. If his big brother can do it, he can too.

"C'mon, Ty!"

Oh, how I love that they all have brothers.

Mostly Positive

To this point my posts have been mostly about our outings and adventures. But over the past 2 weeks we have been getting to know our new son and I am aware some of our family and friends are curios to know more about his personality and how he is doing. So, here is a little glimpse of what we have observed. I would like to share with you the obvious observations that you may notice yourself (the "positive") as well as some insight into what we see from the adoption perspective (the "negative").

I have mentioned before on this blog how a different perspective can change the way we react to our adopted children's behavior. I just want to mention again how I do not claim to be any authority on the subject. I am learning every day and only share my understanding of the ideas that have been taught through web-classes, coaching from our agency's social workers, and reading various books on adoption and attachment.

So here's the skinny:

The positive- Ty is happy 98% of the time. He is usually smiling, goofy, energetic and playful. I have also mentioned before on this blog what it means to be a charmer. Much like his little brother, Jacob, Ty is a charmer. Ty's life experience has taught him he needs to have really good people skills to be sure he can get his needs met. He has learned that if the people around him are smiling and overall happy with him he will be able to get his needs met. The positive here is it is a joy to be around him and he is quite flexible in new environments and situations.

The negative- In the post linked above I mentioned that charming children are not often firmly attached to one caregiver. They believe they need to get everyone to like them so that if their "caregiver" disappears they have many backups and can easily transition to counting on someone (anyone) new to meet their needs. Our #1 focus is to prove to Ty we can be trusted. We are his parents and he needs to learn that parents are worth having. His desire to please everyone around him all the time could be a negative in disguise.

The positive- Ty is incredibly bright. He can learn anything and everything at an unbelievable pace. In the 2 weeks we have been with our son he has learned to swim independently, ride a two-wheel bike, use a fork and knife independently, take care of all his bathroom needs and self-care (some of this was required of him in the orphanage, but some include new learning curves coming to America), learning English and creating his own signs. Anything we can do, he figures out. Ty is really low maintenance because he likes to do things himself.

The negative- Being "good" at everything is not just a sign that he is a smart kid. Ty's survival skills have evolved beyond a normal range. He believes that he cannot afford to be behind. If we can do it, he must immediately learn how to do it himself. His determination is admirable, but may be unhealthy. He is so focused on the ability to do everything himself, he is failing to allow opportunities to trust.

The positive- Ty is very considerate of others. He is always willing to share. He always wants to help. He often jumps in and insists on helping even if he is told he does not need to. Ty is an excellent "big" sibling. He wants to help, comfort, and discipline younger children around him. Fortunately, this means he is a rule follower and quite mature. But...

The negative- Ty has taken on a father role. He wants to be in charge. He wants to meet other's needs around him. He wants to be in control of those around him. It may look like he is trying to help or is being very considerate of others. But his need for control is an indication of lack of trust.

As we introduce our son to his new world it may seem as though we have skipped the "lock down" period we had with Jacob. In a way, we have. Ty is a 6 year old, energetic, happy child who has been brought into a new culture. His world is suddenly very quiet, there is no one to talk to in his language. If all we did was sit around our house trying to play board games and watch movies he would think he'd come to h-e-double-something-or-other. He needs the opportunity to be in big spaces. The chance to run and play. The chance to get his 6-year-old energy out.

During our time in China we had the opportunity to establish ground rules and Ty has responded positively. He knows to ask permission before going out of sight. He knows that if he is asked to hold our hands it is not an option. He comes to us on his own for attention and affection. He has not had any trouble calling us "mama"and "baba," he does not attempt to assign these titles to others or refuse to offer them to us.

But this does not mean we have automatically advanced to the stage where we can jump into "normal". Ty still needs the chance to bond to his new family. He needs continual opportunities to rely on his parents. He needs minimal exposure to new friends and extended family members. I mentioned before how our cocoon with Ty will be a social cocoon. We are out and about every day. But if you get the impression that we are avoiding you (our friends and family), we are.

Just like with Jacob, this time will pass quickly. We will be back in the swing of things very soon. But until you hear differently from me, if you run into us while we are out and about please positively absolutely do come say hi. We miss you and want to see your smiling faces. Just do it without touching our son or offering to help him in any way. Things like hugging, picking him up, rubbing his shoulders, tussling his hair, helping him open a package or serving him food, and even giving him a high five or fist bump are off limits for a time. That may sound strange or possessive. But please know that we are working very hard to teach our new son how to trust parents and family.

We want your hugs, we need to hear your excitement for our new family member, and he needs to see that we are a social family. But once you have hugged us and given the girl's a pat on the back or whatever, please resist the urge to squeeze our boy. It would be best to wave with your greeting instead. If, by chance he comes to hug you (a greeting he understands as "American") keep it brief and resist the urge to follow it with other types of touching. Again, this may sound possessive or odd, but it is temporary. He is watching very closely and learning what it means to meet different types of people. For now, family needs to be distinctively separate from friends.

We have been blessed with another amazing son. And we are grateful the positives far outweigh the negatives.

A sneak peek at reality

I finally got a glimpse at some sibling squabbles today. Ty is used to being "King Poop of Turd Island" (a saying our agency's social worker uses that I laugh at every time, so true). He wants to not only be in charge of everyone around him, but every once in a while, he wants everyone around him to know he is in charge. For the most part he willingly and immediately yields to Brad and I. But I have been waiting to see how the new siblings would respond to him so I let things play out a bit more today rather than immediately squashing him.

Drew felt the squeeze first and cried about Ty "not letting me win." Drew didn't say it to be whiny. Ty really was intentionally cutting Drew off and blocking him from being first. Later in the day I noticed Amber being a little more vocal than usual. Ty actually complained to me several times today about Jacob getting handsy with "his" toys (the ones that happened to be in Ty's hands at the moment). And by the end of the day I had to reel my Big Fish back in and remind him who is really in charge.

Today was my experiment. And it went they way I predicted it would. So, now that I know how each of the kids will act and react both with and without my guidance, I know exactly who needs what... for now.

Overall it was still a great day.We played, we rode scooters, we played basketball, we visited another park, we watched a movie, and we went swimming. Once Daddy got home we ran a couple errands. Then the big boys got to help Dad repair flat tires on some bicycles while Jacob and Amber and I picked Caity up from an activity. It was a full day that still included a lot of fun and smiles.

Ty got a little distracted during our basketball game watching the skate park. It was fun watching him show off his b-ball skills.

I love where we live.

This was one of the many challenges for the day. Ty was attempting to horde the one slide and not allow Drew on. Oh, nuh-uh. I did step in on this one. He pouted and stayed 10 yards behind me during the rest of the walk to the actual park... 

It is funny to me that public drinking fountains are novel to Ty. He wants to drink from them all and always asks permission first. Likely because he is unsure if the water is safe...

This is how we do Walmart these days. Oh yes, we are a three-boy cart now.

The Real First Day

Brad went back to work today. And so the real test was at hand. Five children vs. one mama. It turned out to be quite simple.

We started the day with the usual dog walk. Ty's front tire popped so he had to settle for a scooter. We srpinkled in some simple play time at home and then packed a lunch and headed for the park.

I'm not sure if this slide intimidated him for some reason or if it could have been his first time on a slide. But he let out a little squeal and grabbed for the sides as he went down. Then promptly ran to the top to do it again and again.

Today during nap time Ty, Amber, and I all sat around the table to do some "school work". Amber worked on some handwriting while Ty and I worked on some English flash cards and games. We also practiced writing his name.

Once I noticed he was burning out on the English practice we read one of his bilingual books in Mandarin first, then English, and played with the felt story board I made to go along with the story.

After nap we kept up with our daily swim routine. Ty and Amber were the last out of the pool. Watching them hold each other's hands made me smile.

We had pizza for dinner since the food supply was running out. Then I dropped Brad and the 5 kids off at a park near the grocery store while I re-stocked.

Not bad for my first go at being Mama to 5 flying solo.

Things you should know about our adopted child: take 2

When Jacob came home I made this post.

Now I would like to share a new perspective again for our second adopted son:

Our son lived nine months in utero with his birth mother and heard her voice every day during that time. We do not know how long he was with her after his birth. But we do know he met and has memory of this woman.

Our son was not brought into care as an infant. He was raised by his Father and a Step Mother. He knows both of their names and knows that he looks just like his Father. He knows that he was deliberately abandoned.

Our son has experienced the severe trauma of abandonment. For him, "forever" does not exist. Even several years of consistent care is no guarantee that things will remain the same. Even "parents" cannot be trusted.

Our son has learned that the only person he can count on is himself. He is an amazing child who can quickly learn to do everything incredibly well. This is wonderful, but also an indication that his survival instincts have taken over his ability to trust.

Because of his experiences, our son has learned to expect change, loss, and discontinuity, and these experiences are reflected in his behavior. This is why we will do so many things 'differently' and will be so restrictive and controlling of his exposure to new people, environments, and experiences.

Our son's journey will continue seemingly longer than our first adoption. He has spent 6 years learning what "life" is like. We can expect that it will take at least the same amount of time to convince him of his new reality as it did to teach him the old reality. It may take years to truly teach our son to trust and believe.

Our son has spent 6 years hearing and speaking his native language. Because of his age and his intelligence he will seem to learn to speak English quickly. But he will not become proficient in this new language for many years. If his grammar is incorrect or if he seems to be slow in school, do not misjudge his abilities. He is much smarter than you think.

Our son has grown up in a culture that views "special needs" differently than we do. He comes from a country where a birthmark, color blindness, any surgical scar visible or not, a single missing digit or any form of past developmental delay makes an individual imperfect and therefore worthy of the label "special need". Our son's "special need" is correctable and therefore is not a special need at all. Be careful in your assumptions of this label.

Our son's identity is not just what we know, or what he will know and learn about himself, but how other's see him. Please keep this in mind as you watch our journey.

Just in case you were wondering, we think our son is amazing. And we are so excited to be on this journey with him.

Brothers

Tonight while Brad was showing the family our pictures from China, I took the boys on a walk to keep them occupied. We went to my parents little neighborhood water feature along the parkway. Drew and Jacob have always loved this. Ty was equally as thrilled to explore.

I am not sure why it tickles me so much that I now have three sons.

Maybe it just has to do with the fact that I know they were meant to be brothers.

Something New

At some point while we were away in China, Jacob gained a new fascination with being naked. Before we left he hated being out of a diaper. Now every time he gets in the bath he talks about being naked and does not want to get his diaper on afterward. Tonight he got the biggest kick out of flashing me...

Great.

Just another day in paradise

Today we played the morning away. We rode bikes, we played with Playdoh, we played with sponge capsules (you know, the ones from back "when we were kids" that you put in warm water and a sponge shape pops out), we played board games, and we watched movies.

Right before nap time we went to visit Mitzi. She is kind of like a Great-Grandmother to our kids. And she has been worried sick about us going to China. She was thrilled to meet Ty. And he was excited to meet her too.

Today was Brad's birthday. My Mom invited us all over for dinner to celebrate and look at pictures from China (and to meet Ty, of course).

"Hallo, Nana."

"Hallo, Grand-e-ma."

Watching Uncle and Papa prepare dinner.

Hamming it up on the diving board. I was wondering if he would notice the depth. He did. And he described it to me with detail. Glad to know he is aware.

We had sent Ty an audio recording of our family singing the Happy Birthday song in both Chinese and English. Tonight Brad pointed out that he must have listened to it several times because he sang along with us for his Daddy's birthday.