To this point my posts have been mostly about our outings and adventures. But over the past 2 weeks we have been getting to know our new son and I am aware some of our family and friends are curios to know more about his personality and how he is doing. So, here is a little glimpse of what we have observed. I would like to share with you the obvious observations that you may notice yourself (the "positive") as well as some insight into what we see from the adoption perspective (the "negative").
I have mentioned before on this blog how a different perspective can change the way we react to our adopted children's behavior. I just want to mention again how I do not claim to be any authority on the subject. I am learning every day and only share my understanding of the ideas that have been taught through web-classes, coaching from our agency's social workers, and reading various books on adoption and attachment.
So here's the skinny:
The positive- Ty is happy 98% of the time. He is usually smiling, goofy, energetic and playful. I have also mentioned before on this blog what it means to be a charmer. Much like his little brother, Jacob, Ty is a charmer. Ty's life experience has taught him he needs to have really good people skills to be sure he can get his needs met. He has learned that if the people around him are smiling and overall happy with him he will be able to get his needs met. The positive here is it is a joy to be around him and he is quite flexible in new environments and situations.
The negative- In the post linked above I mentioned that charming children are not often firmly attached to one caregiver. They believe they need to get everyone to like them so that if their "caregiver" disappears they have many backups and can easily transition to counting on someone (anyone) new to meet their needs. Our #1 focus is to prove to Ty we can be trusted. We are his parents and he needs to learn that parents are worth having. His desire to please everyone around him all the time could be a negative in disguise.
The positive- Ty is incredibly bright. He can learn anything and everything at an unbelievable pace. In the 2 weeks we have been with our son he has learned to swim independently, ride a two-wheel bike, use a fork and knife independently, take care of all his bathroom needs and self-care (some of this was required of him in the orphanage, but some include new learning curves coming to America), learning English and creating his own signs. Anything we can do, he figures out. Ty is really low maintenance because he likes to do things himself.
The negative- Being "good" at everything is not just a sign that he is a smart kid. Ty's survival skills have evolved beyond a normal range. He believes that he cannot afford to be behind. If we can do it, he must immediately learn how to do it himself. His determination is admirable, but may be unhealthy. He is so focused on the ability to do everything himself, he is failing to allow opportunities to trust.
The positive- Ty is very considerate of others. He is always willing to share. He always wants to help. He often jumps in and insists on helping even if he is told he does not need to. Ty is an excellent "big" sibling. He wants to help, comfort, and discipline younger children around him. Fortunately, this means he is a rule follower and quite mature. But...
The negative- Ty has taken on a father role. He wants to be in charge. He wants to meet other's needs around him. He wants to be in control of those around him. It may look like he is trying to help or is being very considerate of others. But his need for control is an indication of lack of trust.
As we introduce our son to his new world it may seem as though we have skipped the "lock down" period we had with Jacob. In a way, we have. Ty is a 6 year old, energetic, happy child who has been brought into a new culture. His world is suddenly very quiet, there is no one to talk to in his language. If all we did was sit around our house trying to play board games and watch movies he would think he'd come to h-e-double-something-or-other. He needs the opportunity to be in big spaces. The chance to run and play. The chance to get his 6-year-old energy out.
During our time in China we had the opportunity to establish ground rules and Ty has responded positively. He knows to ask permission before going out of sight. He knows that if he is asked to hold our hands it is not an option. He comes to us on his own for attention and affection. He has not had any trouble calling us "mama"and "baba," he does not attempt to assign these titles to others or refuse to offer them to us.
But this does not mean we have automatically advanced to the stage where we can jump into "normal". Ty still needs the chance to bond to his new family. He needs continual opportunities to rely on his parents. He needs minimal exposure to new friends and extended family members. I mentioned before how our cocoon with Ty will be a social cocoon. We are out and about every day. But if you get the impression that we are avoiding you (our friends and family), we are.
Just like with Jacob, this time will pass quickly. We will be back in the swing of things very soon. But until you hear differently from me, if you run into us while we are out and about please positively absolutely do come say hi. We miss you and want to see your smiling faces. Just do it without touching our son or offering to help him in any way. Things like hugging, picking him up, rubbing his shoulders, tussling his hair, helping him open a package or serving him food, and even giving him a high five or fist bump are off limits for a time. That may sound strange or possessive. But please know that we are working very hard to teach our new son how to trust parents and family.
We want your hugs, we need to hear your excitement for our new family member, and he needs to see that we are a social family. But once you have hugged us and given the girl's a pat on the back or whatever, please resist the urge to squeeze our boy. It would be best to wave with your greeting instead. If, by chance he comes to hug you (a greeting he understands as "American") keep it brief and resist the urge to follow it with other types of touching. Again, this may sound possessive or odd, but it is temporary. He is watching very closely and learning what it means to meet different types of people. For now, family needs to be distinctively separate from friends.
We have been blessed with another amazing son. And we are grateful the positives far outweigh the negatives.
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