Are ya gonna do that cocoon thing again?

This has been one of the most common questions I have heard lately as we get closer and closer to our travels. Most of our close friends and family experienced the cocoon right along side us and learned first hand why we chose to be so restrictive in our first months home with Jacob. Many of those who watched from afar have commented on how they admired our determination to help Jacob adjust. But everyone wants to know what we are going to do, "this time."

The simple answer is: yes.

When Ty comes home we will re-institute "The Cocoon". However, Ty is not Jacob so most of the cocooning process will look differently this time. Since so many have asked, here is a breakdown of the cocoon-take-two:

Ty has come from a very different background than Jacob did. Part of the reason we went through an extended lock down in our home was because Jacob was a 13 month old baby who had never been outside of his orphanage before. He was, in many ways, still developmentally an infant. Jacob was noticeably overwhelmed by new environments and the consequences of leaving our "cocoon" would require several days of recovery.

Ty is an active 6-year-old boy who has experienced the outside world. We feel blessed to have received pictures of him receiving school lessons, Kung Fu lessons and basketball lessons. We have pictures of him performing with a microphone in front of an audience, visiting local museums, and video of him performing his Kung Fu for an audience. We have seen several photos of him digging in the dirt, riding scooters, and climbing rocks around the orphanage grounds. Ty is a child experiencing the world inside and out.

However, Ty is still going to experience the same losses that Jacob did. And he has spent 5 more years than Jacob becoming accustomed to what is "normal". Loosing language, culture, and everything familiar to him is going to have a deep impact on our little boy.

So, just like the first time we arrived home from an international adoption, we will invite anyone and everyone to come meet our new son at the airport and celebrate his arrival with us for a brief moment there. But once we arrive home from the airport, we will close our home to visitors and remain on a "lock down" for a time.

Will we really stay inside our home for weeks on end? No. But "lock down" is an excellent description of our intent for our first weeks home. No visitors, no public outings, no doctor appointments. Just family time in and around our home. Our purpose the first two weeks will be to adjust to the time change, adjust to the food change and establish a routine. After that, Ty's responses will help us to set and continually adjust the pace for new experiences. Our son will need time to adjust physically, grieve emotionally, and prepare himself mentally to experience these continual changes.

When we brought Jacob home we had a flexible plan in place: month 1-lockdown, month two-controlled minimal outings, month 3-continued controlled outings as well as planned extended family interaction, month 4-routine outings like grocery stores and church, month 6-day outings. We planned ahead and pretty much stuck to the plan while continually watching for needed adjustments.

Honestly, this time, I don't have a plan. After our first two weeks we will let Ty set the pace. Jacob's cocoon was heavily focused on exposure to the outside world as a whole. Ty's cocoon will instead be focused on gradual introductions to social exposure. You will see us "out and about" much sooner than we were with Jacob. But you will notice things like Ty holding our hand around groups or being reminded to stay close and check in often (more than you may think necessary). You may hear us asking others to avoid physical touch (hugs, hand holding, even high fives) in the beginning. You may notice we will be protective about others offering our son help. It may seem as though we are hovering over him in the beginning. These are all parts of the cocoon in action.

The purpose of the cocoon is to build attachment and bonding. We are trying to teach our new son that he can trust us and should look to us at all times. We need to teach him to rely on us, not himself or others. As soon (or as long as it takes for him) as he demonstrates the ability and desire to rely on us as his parents, we will relax the social cocoon. And if it becomes necessary to retreat and lock down more than once, we will. It just depends on how he reacts to this new "American" family experience.

So, as usual, please be patient with our family. And if we do something that seems really weird, just blame the cocoon.