Dreams not forgotten- Part 1

I originally wrote this post months ago. Every once in a while I write a post that is a little too personal or a little to fresh or a little to raw to post. I have to wait until it feels right. And I wasn't ready to share this one yet.

I try really hard to be 'real' here on this blog. I am not just trying to fluff things up or make myself or my family look good. The pictures and videos are real. They joy is real. This really is our family. But if anyone thinks we are special or 'amazing' (I try not to dislike that word, it just does not feel like a fair descriptive when people say it to me) I want to clarify immediately we are not. But our God is. He deserves the credit. He deserves the applause. He is the One that takes broken things and works wonders through them. I am just the broken thing.

And so, in an effort to be real and to give the credit and glory to whom it actually belongs, I have decided it is time to post this one. I am going to follow up with part two soon. But I want to let this post stand alone first because it was written so long ago and I am realizing as the months pass it was more meaningful than I originally intended.

*** Post below originally written September 2017, one month before the words "I think we need to move our family to Utah" left Brad's mouth.

I have made it obvious here before that 'our plan' looked a bit different than the reality we have been living for the last 6 years or so. And, to be fair, while it was and remains a plan and dream and vision Brad and I share, it would be more accurate to say, "my plan."

I grew up in a family that taught me to dream big and go after what I wanted. I learned I could do and be anything I wanted and set my mind to. I learned pretty early on how to dream and how to dream big. I remember watching and learning about goal posters, positive self talk, hard work and perseverance, and how to plan and track goals. Whether or not they were doing it deliberately, by example or on accident, I was watching my family and I learned how to go for what I wanted.

I knew from a young age I wanted to someday own acreage. I dreamt of a large garden, fruit trees, and all variety of animals. I have always believed I would someday own horses. Even before meeting Brad I dreamed of building and living in a home I had designed. I spent countless hours drawing various floor plans and dreaming up fun and functional designs.

When we married, Brad and I immediately made a five year plan to our property. We knew all of these things would happen. Because we were going to make them happen. I still remember the first 'plan' hanging in my closet in our little one bedroom apartment (Brad probably does not). 

Fast forward to Summer of 2011 and we had finally arrived. All of our little 'detours' had not swayed our (my) determination. Our babies were finally big enough. Our home equity was finally big enough. Our savings was finally big enough. We were there. It was time to start looking at properties. We even had the girls dabbling in horseback riding lessons 'in preparation' for when we would soon be able to have horses of our own.

Y'all know what happened next.

Five boys happened next.

Five amazing surprises.

Five unexpected detours.

Five 'temporary' delays in 'our' (my) plan.

During the past 6 years I have spent a lot of time thinking about my dream. In the beginning it was just a quick delay. We would be right back on track by the time Jacob was 'old enough' for us to want acreage again.

Then, after setting foot in my first orphanage and witnessing institutionalization of infants and toddlers and walking around the streets of Russia taking in the 'real world' outside of my bubble of the American dream, I was disgusted by my own desire for more. How could I not be content with my perfect 4-bedroom-2-bath-with-a-pool-on-a-culdesac-in-upper-class-suburbia home? What was wrong with me that I could even think of 'needing' more.

Through Ty's adoption I received new understanding of why God would give me such a strong desire for those 'dreams.' I began to imagine new ways we could share the achievement of those dreams with others. I became convinced my dreams could change lives. We could reach out to those outside of our family. Adopting a child can change the world for that child. And what an amazing impact one child can have on the world. But thinking outside of the walls of our 'dream home' we started to see ways we could have a bigger impact on our community to multiply our efforts.

I started to allow room in my heart for my dreams again. Though they were kept at arms length and forcibly ignored. I started telling myself it was the right thing to sacrifice my dreams long term. I even told myself why it would be okay to never actually achieve them. I knew my boys were far more valuable to me than any property, garden or horse and even more valuable than any community outreach I could immagine. I was content to say my dreams were flexible. They were there, but I could do without them.

The time between Ty and Justin's adoptions was so short there was not an opportunity to notice those dreams on the back burner. But within three short weeks of Justin's arrival home something exploded in my heart. I spent Justin's first year home battling with this insatiable drive to refocus on my goals of acreage, garden, animals, 'dream home' and a way, some way, to reach out to others without adopting them. 

January 21, 2016 I had one of the most unusual experiences of my life. I suspect it will someday in my future be something I remember as a turning point. I described it as 'heart piercing' in my journal that day. I had been driving down the freeway. There was nothing unusual or out of the ordinary about that particular day. But I was struck by the Spirit like I have never been before. I want to save the details for another time. But I heard clear as can be that day, "I gave you that dream for a reason." 

January 21, 2016 I began again to truly pursue the idea of owning acreage. Y'all know what resulted: we did sell our home. We did search for, and find a few, properties. And we did buy a home. It just wasn't time for the dream house or property...  yet. And for a while I have wondered if the purpose of this dream has just been  to keep leading me to my boys. For a moment I felt like it was a big juicy unfair carrot. But here I am again. And it's back.

This dream has followed me throughout my entire life. When I have embraced it, when I have rejected it, when I have ignored it, and when I have been guided, driven and even corrected by it, the dream remains. 

Today I read a beautifully written article on No Hands But Ours titled "Taking Care of You." From the first paragraph I could feel this message was for me. I felt like the descriptive of this mama's week was actually an accounting of my week. Then as I scrolled down I was punched in the stomach by a photo of the author and her son sitting on their wrap-around porch. It struck me in a way I was not expecting. I immediately saw my porch. The one I have visualized for decades. And I ached. 

Within a split second I felt a flood of contradictory emotions. Resentment that it is still not time. Hope for how much can change in a short time. Anticipation for what appears to be 'the' path under our feet to the dream. Guilt for still, after all this time, wanting more and not being content. Frustration with all of the delays and detours to 'my' plan. Gratitude for the amazing journey we have been on that I never would have known about. 

In the 1-2 seconds it took me to scroll to the paragraph under the photo I had begun to beat myself up a bit. But that paragraph was the very message I needed to hear. 

"It's so, so important that right now- if you have forgotten- that you remember. Not for their sake- yes you need to take care of you for them- that's what we parents keep saying to ourselves. But. More than that- we need to remember our own value in just who we are and take care of us because He loves us and wants us to remember who we are in Him."

The very next thing in bold was "keep a dream journal." I actually felt my breath taken away. Yes, God has brought me on a journey I was not expecting. He has asked me to do things differently than I had planned. But he never asked me to lose sight of who I am. He made me. He knows me. He gave me that dream. And He is asking me not to forget it. Keep a dream journal, Kim. 

Unintentional mid week vacation

Aiden was scheduled to have surgery for his second cochlear implant last Tuesday. Because we are staging and showing our home for sale we decided to just take the whole family and stay over night Monday night. Brad arranged his work schedule to visit the San Jose office Monday and meet us in Newark after. Aiden had a 3 pm pre op appointment so the rest of the kids and I left drove down after lunch.

Everyone was very excited.

We had been warned that the insurance approval might not come until 4pm the day before the surgery. But that was super unlikely so not to worry. We went to Aiden's 3:00 pre op appointment and were told everything was a go. Surgery would be at 7:30 am the next morning and we would be on our way home in the afternoon.

We had prepared Aiden and he knew everything up to that point was still a maybe and that we might have to wait for a second surgery date if this one fell through. As he and I walked out of the surgeon's office he asked me with a big smile on his face, "Mama, tomorrow: two. Yes?" The surgeon had just said so, and I was dang excited myself, so I enthusiastically confirmed, "Yes! Tomorrow two!"

Fifteen minutes later we got a phone call...

The surgery coordinator informed me that the insurance approval did not actually come through. I was somewhat shocked and started scrambling mentally. I explained that the surgeon had just told us in his office everything was on. I had received the call from the hospital with instructions for the next morning. I didn't understand. The surgery coordinator was very sorry, and very nice. But there was nothing she could do.

We explained to Aiden and let him know things had changed back to a maybe (I hated this moment so much). It is so hard to explain to a child why things can change. It is harder to explain to a child with limited language ability. It is harder to explain to your child who has already had so many changes in their short little life. He had been so excited. He had literally counted down the days since Christmas. He had been so mature to accept a 'maybe' during the last few days before surgery. And now we had to take back all of that excitement, all of that enthusiasm, what I thought would be all of his joy.

Fortunately for me, this is Aiden. It is just not possible to take that boy's joy away.

That night Brad and I decided not to give up. Aiden wanted to try what we had suggested even though it included fasting the next morning. So Brad and I got up the next morning and started calling people. Brad and Aiden went to the hospital grounds to wait. Everyone was informed that our 9 year old little boy was fasting in hopes for a chance at surgery. We were told if the approval came that morning before 11:30am there might be a chance.

Watching movies at the hotel room to pass the time.

We had a small army of advocates working on our behalf. And everyone was so wonderful.

By 11:30 we had all done everything we could and the surgeons had to go into a 7 hour surgery. We did not expect Aiden to continue fasting at that point and told him we would just have to wait for another day. He disappointment was obvious.

We decided to go into the city and play our sorrows away. And in true Aiden style, the smile was almost immediately back and he soared through the day laughing and giggling.

First stop: The San Francisco Library.

Hiking in Golden Gate Park

This kid. Seriously. My heart.

This was Aiden's favorite part of the day. Apparently he went on and on the rest of the week at school about the sea lions.

Caity stumbled across her home land. Brad said he never realized how challenging the world must be to lefties. He was oblivious.

We stayed in the city until after dinner to avoid traffic. All in all it was a pretty fantastic day.

We found out the next day Aiden's approval had come in the afternoon while we were playing in the city. If the surgery schedule had been different we could have gotten him in. But it just wasn't meant to be.

His surgery date has already been confirmed for next Tuesday. The countdown has begun again. Only this time, no waiting for an approval.