When

"Things are going so well, do you really have to stay 'Cocooned'?"

"How long do you plan to stay in?"

"How will you know when he's ready to come out?"

*Disclaimer: I do not claim to be any type of authority on attachment. I base my opinions on the training we have received, books I have read, and observations from friend's experiences.

This whole "cocoon" idea has everyone scratching their heads. "He is so little, it wont really matter." I have heard this at least half a dozen times over the past week. Yes, he is little. But he is not too little for attachment difficulties.

I have noticed a few extremes that children from orphanages can fall into. With one extreme, the child seems withdrawn and they avoid eye contact. They are difficult to engage and are often noticeably behind developmentally. Another extreme is a child who completely melts down with every little change in environment. If someone other than their caregiver comes into the room they melt down. Being in a room or other environment that is new is just too much for them. Frequently these kids will simply shut down and fall asleep on whoever is holding them, not because they trust that individual, but because they must shut out their surroundings.

Both of these examples would cause any onlooker to say, "that child will need extra effort to form a strong bond." But a more common extreme that many people misinterpret is the "charming" child. These kids walk into every room smiling. They greet change and new situations with enthusiasm. These kids will smile at everyone and are happy to be held by anyone. If another child is in distress these children will try very hard to engage a nearby adult with a smile or flirty laugh.

Jacob is one of these "charming" children. And it is possible he can have just as much trouble bonding as the other kids that would cause most people concern. In his 12 months of experience, Jacob has learned that passing adults will meet his needs if he smiles, flirts, and engages their attention. Problems can arise if Jacob does not come to understand that Mom is here to meet all of his needs all the time.

Right now, Jacob may see any passing stranger as a caregiver. It is important for him to learn to attach and form a strong bond with one care giver: me. His direct family comes second: Dad, Caity, Amber, and Drew. Dad should be seen as a trustworthy temporary substitute for mom. And siblings should be seen as trustworthy playmates, peers, and indicators of safety in new situations. This means that right now, we even limit the amount of holding and care coming from siblings. Mom provides the bottles, Mom is told when comfort is needed and provides the hugs, Mom carries the baby. Siblings are always nearby and get to help as much as possible. But even Caity is being asked to play next to the baby rather than holding him.

Friends and family: do not despair! We will be out and about soon. Jacob most definitely will develop a strong bond with each of you too. But we must put the time in now to help our little charmer know and understand the meaning of family.

So, how will we know when it's time? Believe it or not we are already cutting the time frame short. It is recommended that we stay completely shut in for 2-3 months. Ha! That is just not feasible for our family. Mama needs to keep her sanity, and life goes on for our other 5 family members. So Brad and I decided one month was our goal. Take a breath, Mom, that includes the week we were in Russia. That's why Brad ran all the errands and I stayed in the hotel room as much as possible with Jay. When we did go out we tried very hard to make Jacob's experience a just-the-three-of-us feel.

So our plan is for Thanksgiving to be our first "outing" with Jacob. After Thanksgiving week we will begin to ease back into life-as-usual. We will start with school carpool. Next will be outdoor activities like the park. We will sprinkle in Sunday dinners with family and eventually the top of the pyramid will be the entire church block and the grocery store. Overall, we expect this building process to take at least another month beyond our total shut in.

The reality is Jacob sets the timeline, so it could be longer. We will know by watching his responses. If he is looking to me and our family for direction and comfort, we are doing great! If he continues to flirt with every passer-by and seems to forget where mom even is... not so good. If certain outings leave him overstimulated and unable to be soothed, not so good. If being out-and-about is received with calm contentment, we're doing great.

So, the real answer is... I don't really know how long it will be. But I do know that no matter how well our boy is doing we are staying in this cocoon until next Thursday. And when we do "emerge" it will be a very slow and cautious experience.

So bare with us family and friends. The time will pass more quickly than you think.