Dear Today Me

There is a song on the radio right now that makes me stop and think every time I hear it.

Dear Younger Me by Mercy Me

"Do I go deep and try to change the choices that you'll make 

'cause their the choices that made me."

This line hits me every dang time. Every time I hear this song I am filled with gratitude. I wouldn't change a single a thing. Not because it has been easy. Not because it has always been fun. Not because I think we are doing things 'right.' Not because I think we are livin' large right now. But because I wouldn't want to jeopardize any of the decisions that brought me to today. I WANT to be here. Right now. Treading water in the deep end barely keeping my lips above the water. This is what I want.

Because of them.

Eight beautiful souls that I am blessed to have call me mom. I know, two aren't even here yet. But that is part of the beauty. Bringing these two boys home is taking us where we didn't believe we could go. This experience is stretching us beyond what we believed possible. And we still don't even know how it is going to work. Every time we have brought a child home something has had to give. It feels like there is nothing left to give. But we are going to give it.

I hear all the time, "You guys are so amazing. I could never do what you do. I don't know how you do it. You inspire me." Every time I hear something like this I want to hide. Because, people: hear me, I am not special. I am not amazing. I do not have more ability, more money, more patience, more strength or more of anything else you think you are lacking. I have a tiny mustard seed of faith and a big, huge, amazing, inspiring, loving God who takes me places I could never go on my own.

Today I decided to write a letter to "Dear Today Me." And I am going to share it here because y'all need to know the real me. And I hope you can see we are very much alike, you and me.

Dear Today Me:

You've got this. Just breath. I don't know the answer. But it will be okay. You are going to figure this out. Or you are going to survive and this is going to pass. Just take a deep breath and look at the list for today. Tomorrow can wait. Yesterday can't be changed. What is next on the list? One step at a time. Write everything down. Cross it off as you go. You can do it.

Do you remember when there was just one little baby? Do you remember how it was nothing like you thought it would be? Do you remember how overwhelmed and scared you were? Remember all the hours you poured in? This is the same, just multiplied by eight. You got this.

Remember two? Remember how you had it all figured out? Remember how she completely destroyed your perfect little image of your previous 'success' as a mother? Remember how you had to start all over learning how to parent this special one? Do you remember how overwhelmed and scared you were? Remember all the hours you poured in? This is the same, just multiplied by eight. You got this.

How about when there were three? Remember how quickly the wheels fell off? Do you remember how much help you needed and how many loved ones rallied around you? Remember how helpless you felt? Do you remember how overwhelmed and scared you were? Remember all the hours you poured in? This is the same, just multiplied by eight. You got this.

I remember four. I remember how shocked you were to be returning to "the baby phase." I remember how much you prepared, how many books you read, how many classes you took, how many other adoptive parents you talked to. And I remember how much you didn't know. I remember the physical exhaustion. I remember how overwhelmed you were. I remember the hours you poured in. This is the same, just multiplied by eight. You got this.

And then there were five. Do you remember that first hug? Do you remember how in love with that boy you were? Do you remember how quickly you realized you had something really special? Do you remember how quickly you came falling out of the sky like a meteorite with him? I know you remember every single day of the last 2 years he's been home. Don't you forget how overwhelmed and scared you have been. Remember the hours you have poured in and the growth you have seen. This is the same, just multiplied by eight. You got this.

Now there are six. Yes, six. You are parenting six children every single day. There is no "I can't." You are. This is success. You are overwhelmed. It is okay to be scared. Just keep pouring in those hours. Each day is the same, just multiplied by eight. You got this.

Soon there will be eight. I don't know what that will look like. But I believe it will be beautiful. Because even when you are overwhelmed and scared, when you keep pouring your hours in...

He has totally got this.