Back in the game

Jacob is back to his normal happy self. So we emerged from the cocoon for a little outside play time.

Our cat, Joseph, follows Jacob around like a shadow. Every time we go outside he wont quit rubbing on Jacob as he toddles around. It's both cute and annoying.

Overstimulated

This seems to be a word I use a lot.

Yet again, I must begin by saying I am no professional. I base all of my opinions and responses to Jacob's behavior on things we are learning from books, training, and advice. But here's the skinny:

Infants raised at home learn to process stimulation with the help of their mother even before birth. Sounds, motion, nutrition, and even things like stress and excitement can be felt in the womb. And much of an infant's stimulation is provided by their mother after birth through skin-to-skin contact, nursing (or nurturing bottle feeding), patting (burping), rocking, being carried, being spoken to, being touched, and being taken to new environments. Smells, sights, sounds, touch and taste are all stimulated by mom.

Jacob did not receive the same stimulation during his first months of life that an infant raised at home would receive. He spent extended amounts of time alone in the same confined environment. So  becoming over stimulated is not just a matter of him experiencing large amounts of new stimulus. It is also a matter of not having developed the appropriate coping and processing ability due to lack of exposure during key developmental periods. Translation: not only is he constantly seeing and experiencing new things which by themselves would be overstimulating, he also does not have the coping ability to process all the new stuff which is also overstimulating. It's a double-whammy.

Signs of over stimulation that we look for are:
-irritated behavior/whining: whining is something Jacob has just learned in the past 2 weeks
-avoiding eye contact and trying to disengage from an activity or environment: institutionalized orphans can struggle with this to the point that they can't look away even though they want to
-self-soothing like rocking and thumb-sucking
-responses that don't match the circumstances: like hysterical laughing or extreme excitement when nothing particularly funny or exciting has happened
-jerky or exaggerated movements: for example turning his head will look like his noggin may spin right off because he whips it around rather than a controlled movement
-sleep disturbances: difficulty getting to sleep, stirring within the first hour of going to sleep, waking in the night, waking too early, appearing over-tired during the day

From The National Sleep Foundation: "When the body is overstimulated, the brain is flooded with neurochemicals that keep us awake, such as epinephrine and adrenaline, making it difficult to wind down at the end of the day. The neurochemicals remain present in the brain and can interrupt your normal sleep cycle. The result can be insomnia, bad dreams, and daytime fatigue caused by sleep disturbance."

With time Jacob will learn to disengage from a stimulating activity on his own and express a need for help before passing into over stimulation. He is already figuring some of this out by using his sign for 'all done' and whining. It is our job to pace the amount of highly stimulating environments and activities we introduce him to in order to help him develop his own coping skills without stretching him too far. It is also our job to help him recover when he has been stretched beyond his ability. Hence the cocoon.

Christmas Day

I love watching my kids on Christmas morning.

 

Jacob thought ripping the wrapping paper was pretty cool. But he was a little irritated by the continual stream of new stuff and every one's interest in him opening and playing with the toys.

After morning nap we took the kids to my Mom's to open gifts with my family. It was wild and woolly and wonderful. Jacob started getting antsy and signing 'all done' when we would bring him back into the living room for more present opening. But overall, he did great.

We arrived home for nap time only to find more gifts left under our tree by Great-Grandparents. After nap Brad took Drew and the girls back to my Mom's to visit and open even more presents from his Mom while Jay and I had some quiet time to connect at home. Jay and I joined everyone for dinner around 6pm.

Christmas dinner is my very favorite part of the holiday. Not the food (oh, that's not entirely true, I love the food), but everyone gathered around the table visiting and laughing. By the time we were done eating, Jacob had had about enough of this whole "Christmas" thing. He had been signing 'all done' and was getting increasingly irritated. He started to rock just a little so I knew I had pushed him as far as he could go. So I took Jay home while Brad stayed with the kids to visit and play with their new gadgets.

I love that Jacob is finding comfort at home. He is always so happy to arrive in the driveway. I could tell he was overstimulated by his hysterical laughing as we prepared for bath and bed. I couldn't help but laugh with him. It was like we had the best inside joke ever.

This morning was a little difficult for Jay. Time seemed to be standing still. He was tired long before nap time. And the disorganization of the new toys strewn all around the house seemed to throw him a bit. He seemed to be wandering through the house lost and cranky. He passed out for a 2 hour nap and seemed happier after lunch. But afternoon nap was a mess full of restlessness. And I don't even know how to describe this evening. It was plainly obvious that he was wound way too tight.

So, we'll be back in the cocoon for a couple days restoring order to his little world. But I have to admit, he did even better than I expected with the holiday craze.

Thank you to our family for making Jacob's first real Christmas a success and keeping the magic alive for our other three kiddos.

Cookies for Santa

It's Christmas Eve. I can't wrap presents until the kids are sleeping, so I may as well blog!

This evening Brad and Caitlin went with my parents to deliver presents (we have participated with the same organization to bring gifts to needy families for over 15 years). Amber, the boys, and I stayed home to make cookies for Santa. Everyone made one for Santa and the kids each made one to eat themselves too.

Then Amber insisted on leaving a treat for the reindeer. She has been somewhat obsessed with Santa's reindeer this year. I assuming it has something to do with things she heard at school and learning the song about Rudolph and the other reindeer. But whatever the reason, she was adamant that we leave plenty of goodies for them too.

One more sleep... Time to wrap!!

Comfort Zone

Last night Jacob joined us for Sunday dinner at my Mom's. This was the first time he made it through the entire visit without showing any signs of discomfort. No rocking, no thumb sucking, no avoiding eye contact, no signing 'all done', and no trouble getting to sleep when we arrived home. He played happily and continually checked in with Mom during our visit. We think he has figured out Nana's is a comfy place to visit.

He was fascinated by my Mom's tree. I have not put any presents under ours yet for obvious reasons...

Different perspective

Some of Jacob's behaviors can be deceiving. Things that most people would observe as 'normal' or 'cute' are actually Jacob's way of telling us he is overwhelmed, scared, intimidated, or otherwise uncomfortable. One of the great challenges of the first months and years with an adopted child who comes from a complex background is teaching them to rely on their caregiver (usually Mom) and to give appropriate responses to stresses at the appropriate time.

One of the most common and immediately noticeable behaviors of institutionalized orphans is rocking. Orphans learn to rock as a form of self stimulation and self soothing.

This is a video clip from a documentary on a Romanian orphanage. The conditions the children are raised in are very sad.

Jacob's orphanage was very modern and sanitary. It is touted as the best orphanage in the entire region of Tver. He received the best care we could have imagined. But regardless of a nice facility and caregivers who obviously tried very hard to give their best to the children in their care, our son was still in a group of 9 babies being cared for by 1woman at a time. It is just not possible to feed, change, clean, prepare for, and clean up after 9 babies and still manage to provide all the touching, talking, snuggling, stimulating, and teaching each baby needs. So, our son learned typical 'orphan behaviors' including rocking himself.

Since coming home, Jacob's rocking has diminished greatly. But when he does begin to rock, it is like a little red flag being raised. It is our indication that he needs help with something. Jacob will rock when he is tired, bored, scared, lonely, overwhelmed, under stimulated or overstimulated.

Jacob uses rocking to give his body input that it is missing. This is a behavior that he learned over and over again in the orphanage. He was on his own and had to learn how to soothe, stimulate, and entertain himself while confined in a small area. The easiest way to do that was to rock. Some babies shake their heads, some bang against something, some make rhythmic noises, or a combination of the three.

Babies raised at home will do a small amount of this to self soothe as well. I remember Caitlin would hum while sucking her pacifier as a baby when going to sleep. The difference is that behavior was not something that replaced her dependence on Mom. Babies raised at home learn to 'tell' someone when they are bored, tired, lonely, under stimulated or overstimulated through whining, pulling on Mom's clothing, or crying. Orphans rely on their own ability to meet these needs until they are taught otherwise.

So this means that when Jacob stops playing with his toys and begins to rock, I know he needs a change in environment or a playmate. If he is confined to something like the playpen or jumper and he begins to rock or vocalize rhythmically, he is done and needs to change activities. If his siblings are 'in his face' trying to play and talk to him, and he begins to rock, he needs space and we are teaching them to recognize and respect that sign. 

This also means that even when Jacob is happy and social in a group, if he begins to rock we take action by moving to a more quiet area away from people and focus on connecting activities with Mom. If he continues to rock intensely and stops making eye contact with Mom, we leave the environment completely by going home. Or if we are at home, Mom and Jay will retreat to a quiet room to play until visitors have left.

For Jay, rocking has replaced the normal way babies express a need: crying. So even though he may seem to be smiling away as he rocks or making cute 'happy' noises while rocking, he is really telling us, "I need a little help."

Because Jacob is a charmer, he often smiles and flirts even when he is uncomfortable. His smile will resemble a grimace and he will avert his gaze just slightly to avoid direct eye contact (even though it might look like he is looking at your face). So, again, we would count this as a little red flag and would move away from the people he is engaging with even though he seems to be happy and social.

Can you tell which smile is fake?

Rocking and forced smiling are just two examples of what we watch for. But if you notice us taking Jacob into another room or suddenly disappearing from a social gathering even though it seemed like Jacob was smiling, happy, and doing great, realize we are looking at his responses with a different perspective.

Holi-daze

As usual, the holiday craze has hit. It just can't be avoided.

First off was Amber's first grade play. Her class performed 'The Grinch' and sang a few Christmas songs. It was precious, of course.

 Amber, bottom row, 3rd from the left 

Amber with her teacher after the show

 

 

Then Amber's actual birthday. We did the usual donuts for breakfast and treats at school followed by having family over for cake and ice cream. Nothing quite like a day of sugar to celebrate a birthday.

 

 

Friday was the girls' school holiday parties so they both trekked off to school with party supplies to contribute and then came home with bags full of candy, crafts, and holiday creations.

Sunday we visited my parent's ward to hear their choir sing. Brad took everyone but Jacob and then Jay and I came for the last 20 minutes or so. He wasn't thrilled. He began rocking and signed 'all done' when we approached the chapel. But he made it through our short visit and adamantly signed 'all done' when everyone stood up after the meeting was through. Once we got in the car and I signed 'home' and told him we were done with our visit he was happy as a clam.

The big day is just 2 sleeps away! And then we have family coming to visit so I am sure there will be plenty of opportunity for outings after Christmas too.

 

I love this time of year. It's just a little tricky trying to stay close to home and keeping things 'quiet'. Here's hoping we make it to the New Year without burning out our boy...