a little eager

I admit it: I am guilty. Once we started peeking out of the cocoon after Christmas, I got carried away. It is so hard to remember that Jay has never seen all of the things that are just part of normal life for us. I was so excited to be able to run errands I resumed 'normal' life like a horse out of a starting gate. In one week's time we were making daily outings. It was, after all, only one new outing each day. That's pretty slow and easy, right?

I have come to realize that Jacob needs me to be more like Marlin from "Finding Nemo". He wants to peek out of the cocoon, and back in, out and back in, and a third time: out and back in. Even one outing a day is too much. His exposure seems to be cumulative. But when I stop to think about it, it makes sense.

Here's an example: we took the boys to the park thinking it would be a nice mellow outdoor activity. Jacob was excited to be somewhere new. But when I put him down he froze. He stiffly walked about 2 or 3 steps and looked up at me in fear. He had never walked on a rubbery surface like that before. It looked funny, it felt different on his feet, and he didn't know if he could trust it. I reassured him and he settled and started to explore.

Then he decided to toddle off the rubber into the tanbark. Another foreign surface. He tripped after the second step and put his hands down. Shock. He tried to pick them up and the bark stuck to his little hands. He fussed and began to pant. More reassurance from Mommy and he tried to be brave. But despite his best efforts he could not relax enough to play.

 

We moved on and explored other areas of the park and tried the swing.

 

 

 

Overall I think he had fun (or we wouldn't have stayed). But every new walking surface brought fear and trepidation. Brick, concrete, wood, grass, sand, tanbark, rubber, I never realized how many different surfaces are in a park!

 

 

The park is only one small example. Pretty much everywhere we go is a brand-new shocking experience for Jay. It's funny how many things I take for granted and assume should be easy for him to handle. Driving in the car the other night I realized how strange it would look to Jay watching street lights and shopping center lights "float" by him when he had never left the confines of his orphanage after daylight hours let alone rode in a car.

 

This is hard for me. I am a black-and-white, all-or-nothing kind of gal. It's challenging trying to be out of the cocoon but not in the world. It's tricky trying to gauge how much is too much. And its a bit overwhelming to feel like I can go out, but only "a little". How do I choose what to do? My first picks are surely not going to match Jacob's needs.

I am trying to remind myself that, just like the lock down in the cocoon, this time will pass. Just a few more weeks and he will be more equipped to handle life as the 4th child being dragged around town. Patience has never been my strong suit...