Still learning

I have a tendency to forget that we just brought our little boy home from another country. Jacob is our son, by every definition of the word. Our love for him is no different and it is hard now to remember life without him. So sometimes I forget to use my "adoptive mommy" radar to pick up on new challenges in his life. This week I gained yet another insight into how things are still different for him.

Russia requires post placement-reports for the first 3 years after adoption. The first report has already been done (at 6 months) and we will complete another report with our social worker at the one-year mark. But our agency also requires a monthly post-placement report during the first year home. I am so grateful for these reports. Not only do I get the chance to gush about my new lovey, I also have a sounding board to check any concerns or questions with.

In our last report I mentioned Jacob consistently shows agitation when his siblings are gone for more than a couple hours. The girls had traveled at the beginning of July and Drew had a sleepover with his Grandma. Jacob was a mess: cranky, irritable, bored, clingy, and just plain unhappy. I assumed it was boredom considering I am far less entertaining than his siblings. But I also wondered if he was experiencing some anxiety or insecurity without his sibs around.

Sure enough, I received a call from our agency's help desk. And my suspicion was confirmed. While Jacob likely does miss his siblings and experience boredom without them, he is also likely feeling anxiety about their absence.

In an orphanage children are kept together and cared for in groups. Jacob's orphanage had 8 groups organized by age from infant to 3 years of age. Jacob's group had 9 children. Our agency explained that while the children will sometimes form a bond and show affection toward their care giver, the bond they share with the other children in their group is far stronger. The children lay in cribs placed up against each other and will frequently reach through the crib slats to touch each other and play. When the children are brought out of the cribs to play they are usually placed in a playpen-like structure where they can move about and manipulate toys. But they are always together. They eat together, sleep together, play together. Everything they do is within sight, if not touch, of their group members.

Usually if a child leaves their group in an orphanage it is a permanent departure: by adoption, transfer to another orphanage, or hospital. Jacob's reality has been that when someone leaves, they don't come back.

So, it is our job to help him understand the permanence of family. Rituals for separation and reunification are super important to him. And verbal and visual recognition and reinforcement during separation are also key. When a family member leaves for a trip Jacob needs the chance to say goodbye and hello again in a predictable way. It needs to be the same each time. And while a family member is away he needs to be reassured that they will absolutely return. Calendars, counting down, talking about the return, and reinforcement through phone calls and Skype are very valuable.

I am so grateful to have the support of a great agency watching out for us. One of my concerns about preparing for our second international adoption so soon is leaving Jacob to travel. What will he think? Will he be okay? How can we help him understand? The answer: build the rituals, reinforce the predictable events that happen each time someone leaves and returns, and have several smaller opportunities to practice before the big trip.