Reading back through my journal is always such a fun experience. It's like I am reading someone else's story except I can see it and feel it happening because I was there. So often I read and think, "Man! I wish I had faith like that!" or "It would be so amazing to live like that." only to stop and realize I am reading my own story. It really is surreal.
The reason I decided to add a "Part 2" to this post is my journal entries. This experience of preparing to move out of state has been another of those "Oh yeah, this is my story" experiences. I had no idea when I wrote the first blog post back in September that God would be asking us to move out of state. I had no idea the journey we were going to begin. And, right now, in the middle (what I hope is the middle) of the journey we agreed to, I am in awe of what I have already learned. I have so much to do, so much to learn, and so little faith. Even after all that we have been through. I still feel so small and unworthy. Glory be to God.
Journal entry December 15, 2017:
"I am feeling conflicted about this move to Utah. I don't understand why. I can see many reasons it would be great for us. But it feels so far away from the "dream." Utah has never been the dream. I love where we live. The rolling hills, the oak trees, the granite rocks, the green fields, it all just doesn't exist in Utah. I keep trying to visualize a new dream for Utah. I just keep seeing Loomis and Newcastle. Moving to our current town has felt like a bizarre holding pattern. It doesn't feel like home. It does not feel like "my town" or where we really belong. We really do seem to just sleep in our house and live everywhere else. I don't want to feel that way about Utah. I don't want to get there and just feel out of place for the next 10 years. I don't want to look back and long for home.
I ran across a picture on Facebook today (I describe it in my journal but you can see below):
The person who posted the picture wrote "You may love something with all your heart and you might have to give it up, but remember the Lord will have something BIGGER and BETTER in store for you!"
Here I am clutching my old tattered teddy bear tightly to me chest. And I just don't understand. "I gave you that dream for a reason." Do I not understand the dream? I want so badly to be obedient. I want to get 'it' right. I want whatever Heavenly Father has planned. But I do not understand."
After this journal entry we had a lot of changes. Bertha was gone. Justin was leaving. I was preparing to travel to look at houses with our realtor in Utah. The kids and grandparents were in the know. And it seemed my confusion over our new call was just getting cloudier. But I decided to record something that had happened a few months earlier that was becoming clearer in light of the new events:
Journal entry January 11, 2018:
"I keep thinking about an evening a few months ago. (I wish I would have written it down) I was driving to pick up Caity. Something negative was going on with Justin, I don't even remember what, and I was praying as I drove. A song came on the radio. I sang along at the top of my lungs and laughed and cried. My heart was so pure. I meant every word from a place deep inside me. But singing it out through snot and tears and stringy spit just made me laugh. It felt like a movie scene.
I keep thinking of this moment over and over. I believe something changed that night. I feel I made a commitment in that moment that I did not have a full understanding of. I didn't realize that in the middle of what felt like a great struggle and trial, God was asking me if He could still use me? And I said yes. At the top of my lungs, through tears, with every part of my soul I sang yes.
"Now I'm just a beggar in the presence of a King. I wish I could bring so much more.
But if it's true, you use broken things, then here I am Lord I'm all yours."
I meant it. I felt if. I knew Heavenly Father was asking if right then and there in the middle of "hard," where I felt helpless, weak and broken, if I was willing to give more? And I did. I shouted it out. I cried it to Him. I declared it to the Heavens in the ugliest crying song that's likely ever been heard. And I felt great strength in the moment. I was comforted and lifted. Reassured that I had been lead to the ground where I was standing and that I would continue to be lead to His will. I know I made the right choice in the moment. I would do it again in exactly the same way (maybe with better singing). But I am feeling confused and lost again.
I had a plan. Pft. This happens so often I should know better. But I was completely committed to our financial goals in the coming months and our spiritual, academic and social plans with the kids over the next several months. Now, the debt is gone. Justin will be gone. Moving to Utah means new Ward, new schools, new doctors, new therapists, new friends, new everything. And I feel like all of my neat little plans have vanished.
Today I woke with another song on my heart.
"I wanna go back to Jesus loves me this I know, for the bible tells me so.
I wanna go back to this little light gonna let it shine, gonna let it shine.
I wanna go back."
My journal entry goes on a bit about how silly it is to be irritated by "my" plan actually being accelerated by God's plan. Loosing Bertha allowed us to eliminate all of our consumer debt within 3 months. The houses we were seeing in Utah were going to meet and actually exceed the needs of our family. Our financial situation was going to shift dramatically for the positive in our new state. And as we researched the therapies and medical resources for our children it was clear there excellent supports awaiting our family.
I did not feel resistant or defiant. I was just having a hard time convincing my heart that a perceived change in my 'dream' was okay.
One more journal entry to share if you are still interested in where this is all leading:
Journal entry January 14, 2018
"Heavenly Father is showing off a bit today. During the Relief Society Lesson (our women's group) in church today I was given some spiritual bumps about Utah. We need to go. We need to go now. And I need to get over myself. More on that last statement in a minute. Our teacher shared the meme/picture I wrote about with the teddy bears (entry 12/15). I don't even recall the topic of her lesson specifically. But I was prompted to share about my journal entry from September 2016 including Ezekiel 36:26. I have never had a specific scripture come to my mind like that before. (Ezekiel 36:26 "A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh." ) I suspect Utah is going to be a place of healing for our family. The hardness that has spread to so many of our hearts will be best soothed and healed where Heavenly Father is taking us. And this afternoon I came to a new realization: Heavenly Father is not leading or drawing me AWAY from my dreams. He is taking me on an accelerated path TO my dreams.
That afternoon I was visiting a Sister in my ward and still selfishly aching as I drove through the rolling green hills of our area.
"I actually had the thought 'WHY would we leave our dream? THIS is my dream. I am here, why would I leave?' I still responded to myself with obedience. I still believed we wanted to and needed to go and do whatever Heavenly Father asks. But the infant inside me was complaining again. As I walked out of the entry way of the sister I was visiting I noticed pictures on her wall of her family when her kids were younger. They were on their horses together. I shared how 'that' was part of my dream: to raise my boys working hard and experiencing appreciation for animals and hard work.
As I drove away the song I recorded here in my journal just a day or two ago played on the radio: "Now I'm just a beggar in the presence of a King." Spiritual throat punch. "I wish I could bring so much more." Spiritual gut punch. "But if it's true," crying and feeling guilt, "You use broken things," feeling repentant and humbled, "then here I am Lord I'm all yours." Spiritual flood and confirmation.
I laughed and sang along again through tears. I prayed through my joy and tears: "I'll go wherever you want me." And all of a sudden I was overwhelmed by a clarity that going to Utah is not a delay. It is not a detour. It is not an 'extra' step. This is going to provide us the quickest path to the actual end goal. I believe property and horses are still a part of that goal. I actually believe Heavenly Father is accelerating our ability to achieve all of these dreams I seem to fear loosing and don't want to let go of.
The song ended and I expressed gratitude for the message. The very next song without hesitation or pause was "I wanna go back." I laughed out loud. That was no fluke. Again the spirit washed over me. The words "just trust me" came to my mind. I actually came home and looked up the image of the bear again to confirm those were the exact words.
It always seems silly that I need these little (not so little) neon signs to smack me over the head when we are experiencing a change. I am so grateful for a patient Father in Heaven who works with such a slow and confused servant."
Lest you ever confuse us for 'amazing' or 'inspiring', just remember the One who is actually writing the story and holding His broken vessel up. We are not the ones who are strong. We are not the ones who are amazing. We are not the ones writing this story. All praise and glory to The One.
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