Always learning

I have posted before about seeing things from different perspectives and how I seem to always be learning something new as a first-time adoptive mommy. I have had another valuable learning opportunity this week that has shown me, yet again, I do not have all the answers yet...

We are inching closer to our travel to bring Ty home from China. And because our trip will be at least 14 days long, I am starting to think about how to make our absence easier on the kids and the generous family members and friends who will be caring for them. We learned a lot of great ideas when we went to Russia. And we will be repeating several of them. But the added element this time is leaving Jacob.

Brad and I have taken one over night trip since Jacob came home and we are to the point now that Brad puts Jacob to bed at least once a week and I can leave him with a friend or family member for daytime appointments. So we have made a lot of progress in Jacob's trust of Mama and Daddy's return. But 14 days is a very long time for a toddler.

I came to the logical conclusion that Jacob needed a sleepy pal before we take this trip. All of my kids have had a stuffed animal or blanket (or both) to sleep with as toddlers. Up until now, I have not offered anything to Jacob because we have been focusing on attachment to Mama and Jacob has a lot of orphan behaviors involving blankets. But I decided a little stuffed dog would be a good first try at a comfort item.

Jacob was thrilled to have the little stuffed dog. Too thrilled. Sleep became a major issue. Jacob struggled to settle into sleep and would wake frequently to play with his "pubby". I tried to wait it out to see if the novelty would ware off, but on day 4 of poor sleep the pubby was banned from the crib. That night he slept soundly and for 3 days after that naps and bedtime were no problem. "Pubby" has become a favorite play-time pal, but he is not allowed in the crib anymore.

Cross stuffed animals off the list.

So, logical step number 2 was to try the blanket. I worried about our past experiences with blankets but thought it was important for him to have a comfort item for the time away from mom and dad.

I was wrong.

The orphan behaviors showed up immediately- banging his head on the side of the crib, rhythmic vocalizing, refusing to sooth to sleep with mom, wanting to rely on himself to settle, breath holding with the blanket over his head, etc.

---side note, I haven't talked about orphan behaviors in a while, so if any of that list makes your heart jump, check out this post or this one to get some back ground---

So I called my agency help desk (I LOVE my agency) and explained what I was trying to do. Turns out I had committed a very common mistake: I was trying to prepare Jacob by using methods that worked with my other kids. "My first 3 enjoyed a security item, so he will too..." I forgot to put the adoptive mommy goggles on and see his past as the most important part of the equation.

Number 1-the blanket represents too much for Jacob. It is triggering memories and habits that we have spent almost a year and a half trying to heal. In the orphanage Jacob used his blanket to entertain himself, sooth himself, and basically cope with life in a crib. His behaviors with the blanket are unhealthy because they undermine the progress we have made toward healthy attachment, bonding and relationships with people, specifically Mom.

Number 2-children with a healthy developmental background can rely on a comfort item temporarily and then return immediately to their healthy bond with parents and family. Because of Jacob's background, he is likely to see a comfort item as a replacement. It would be very likely for him to view the presentation of that replacement as a loss of the relationship with Mom and Dad. To him it would be abandonment all over again. Rather than encouraging him to rely on a replacement (even though we know it would 'only' be for 14 days) we need to direct him to activities that will continue and reinforce the connection to mom and dad, not replace it.

So, the solution-the blanket is back in the cupboard. As we prepare for travel we are creating routines and connections that we can maintain from China. For example:

-#1 is the ongoing conversation about what is coming: books about bringing a sibling home, books about adoption, his life book, pictures of Ty, pictures of airplanes, talking about away and back. Toddlers are very visual so lots of pictures and talking about what is coming. When we skype from China we will use a few of the same pictures and phrases about where we are and 'away and back'.
-We will create a 3 picture story about our family before the trip (family photo), going to China (photo of Brad and I on a skype screen), and coming home (family photo with Ty photo-shopped in). This 3 picture story will allow us to talk often about going and coming back. We will laminate these and keep them in strategic locations to encourage discussion: changing table, church activity bag, mom's purse, toy shelf in the toy room, on the fridge, etc) If Jacob is distressed during our skype sessions we will have him hold the 3 picture story and talk about them again. We will also prepare our friend or family member taking care of him with the familiar phrases to use if he shows interest in the 3 picture story between skyping.
-we will be reading the same 3 books at some point each day for the next few months. When we travel we will skype with Jacob and read those same 3 stories together through skype.
-we will sing a special song as a family (all 6 of us) at least once a day. Then again, through skype, we will sing the song together again with all 6 family members.
-we will create daily "assignments" to give Jacob over skype. These will be activities that he can complete and show to us each day. Things like making a painting or drawing, building something, taking a picture of himself at the park, etc. These activities will act as bridges between calls. He can trust that we will call because he has something to show us and he knows we are expecting to see it.
-we will create laminated photos of each family member who is not at home with him (Caity and Amber are not staying with the same friends or family members as the boys) and place them in his reach. When he shows interest in the photos the friend or family taking care of him will be prepared to reinforce where everyone is and when they will be back.
-we will play games together through skype. And example would be having a scavenger hunt set up by the friend or family member staying with the boys and Brad and I giving the clues to the hunt. Or playing Simon Says or "5 questions" over skype. Any game that encourages the two-way exchange.
-like last time, we will use the 'flat family' to show each other what we are doing while we are away. Jacob and Drew will be able to take flat mom and dad places and send us pictures and they will see pictures of flat Drew and Jacob in China.
-like last time we will bake countdown cookies together and the boys will be able to decorate and eat them each night.
-like last time we will have a calendar and paper chain to mark each day that we are away and count down our return
-and like last time we will have something very small and special for the boys to enjoy each day. Whether it is a wrapped toy, hidden treat, special drink for lunch, or whatever it may be, there will be something each day to cause excitement.

All of these activities encourage and reinforce Jacob's connection to us rather than differing that connection to an object. We will rely heavily on skype during our travels. Even though all of these routines can be completed in just a couple of minutes of skype time, the consistency will make a significant difference.

So here I am again, soooo very grateful for the help desk at my adoption agency. They have a wealth of knowledge and I am so glad to have access to it.