FAQs

We have such awesome family and friends! Each time I have the chance to see someone they all want to know how Jacob is doing. Everyone is anxious to hear details and there has been an abundance of questions. There also seems to be a need to explain the "why" behind most of my answers. So I thought I would take some time to do that here as well. It's a long post, but if you are curious it will be worth the read.

Questions I have tried to answer:

-Who told you that? Anytime I talk about something that seems unusual or out of the ordinary (which most things pertaining to an internationally adopted child are) I am asked where I came up with that answer.

answer: We received 12 hours of online training from our home study agency, a 4 hour webinar through the University of Pittsburgh, a 2 hour seminar from our placing agency, reading materials provided by our agencies, and numerous books both recommended by our agencies and outside sources. I also have based some of my opinions on a combination of the reading material and experiences of other adoptive parents I have spoken with. I have always been a "by-the-book" kind of gal and I read as much as I can get my hands on and put the strategies into practice that I feel are right for my child and family. Some of the books have been excellent, others are now collecting dust.

-Did you do that with your other children? (or "well, with my children...") Another FAQ if I mention something unusual.

answer: Parenting an internationally adopted toddler is a whole new world. The parenting strategies that worked with my first three children are frequently inadequate or inappropriate for Jacob. His needs are very different than the needs of an adopted newborn, an adopted child over the age of 3 (able to speak and beginning to express feelings verbally), a domestically adopted child, or a child raised in their birth family. Most of the things we are doing with Jacob are the exact opposite of what we did with our other 3 children. That is part of what makes it a challenge.

-What's with his name? We have received questions about why we changed his first name, why we kept his Russian name, and why he has two middle names.

answer: All of Jacob's names are symbolic and hold some tradition. His first name, his 'American' name, is a symbol of the big change and new beginning in his life. Nothing is or will be the same and that is represented in his name. It is also a biblical name, but we mostly chose it because we like it. As usual, it just so happens to be #1 on the most popular names for boys list for 2012. This has happened with 3 of our 4 kids even though we chose all of their names years before they joined our family. Jacob's middle name, his Russian name, is a symbol of his beginnings and history. It represents his heritage and culture. This is something we intend to teach him about and celebrate together as a family. We kept the Russian spelling even though it translates easily to English because that is part of recognizing the significance of the name. His second middle name, his maternal grandfather's first name, involves tradition as well as symbolism. Not only does it honor my father and my history, it is a family tradition in Brad's family that the boys receive their grandfather's name as a middle name, and it also represents a connection to Brad, who also has two middle names (something we have not found to be very common).

-Why did you put him on a bottle? Children raised in an orphanage setting are usually weaned from the bottle as early as possible. I don't know the exact age it happened for Jacob, but when we saw him the first time (age 10 months) he drank out of a ceramic mug instead of a bottle. In the orphanage, bottles take too much time to prepare and clean and feeding children from a mug is significantly faster-it's more like a force feeding because the children have to gulp and swallow quickly to avoid choking. So when people hear he was already weaned and I intentionally offered him a bottle after the age of 1 year, I get all kinds of interesting looks.

answer: #1- the bottle is a common attachment tool. Because feeding from a bottle involves cuddling and touch, eye contact, and the opportunity for calm satisfying feelings for baby, it is recommended even older adopted children be bottle fed when arriving in a new home. I don't know how I would have felt if Jacob were older, but being just 13 months old, I chose to give it a try. It has been a good choice for him.
#2- because children raised in orphanages are frequently weaned from the bottle so young, they also can have under-developed oral muscles. Sucking is like a little work out for the muscles that will later be used for speech. When I first offered Jacob the bottle his mouth was very lazy. He did not make a tight seal around the bottle nipple which caused a lot of smacking, clicking, slurping, choking and dribbling. With time this has all gone away and he is able to maintain a secure seal and use his mouth muscles appropriately. This may or may not help his speech development.
#3- Learning to suck and swallow while breathing simultaneously is an act that directly affects the vagus nerve. This nerve is responsible for calming the body (breathing, heart rate, eye and limb movement, etc). A child who does not practice sucking and swallowing while simultaneously inhaling and exhaling will have an under-developed ability to calm themselves. If he had not taken the bottle, we would have tried a sippy cup or at least a straw to develop this skill. Jacob struggles with this but is improving.

-Why is he still eating formula and baby food? Children in Russian orphanages are usually fed a liquid and mashed diet until the age of 3. They do not learn to chew and swallow as toddlers.

answer: because Jacob was so close to 1 year of age our pediatric specialist said we could offer either formula or whole milk with a multi-vitamin. We chose to begin with formula because the milk proteins are broken down and easier to digest, it is a complete nutrition (we weren't sure what he would be eating), and it was easier to store and prepare during travel. Now that we have been home for a month and have seen what he can and will eat, we are weaning him to whole milk with a multi-vitamin. We also chose to feed Jacob baby cereals and baby foods because it best matched the consistency of the foods he received in Russia. He is developing the ability to chew since coming home so our intention is to begin offering table foods once he is completely weaned to whole milk. He will continue to drink his milk from a bottle while snuggling in my arms until around 18 months for the reasons stated above.

-Why do you offer him a pacifier if he sucks his thumb?

answer: this is very similar to the reasons we are using a bottle so see above for details on sucking and how it affects the vagus nerve and speech development. But aside from those reasons, one of Jacob's 'orphan behaviors' was chewing on his thumb. When we picked him up he had an open wound on his sucking thumb that later became infected. Institutionalized orphans learn to self-stimulate and can loose the ability to discern pain from other sensory input. This is what was happening with his thumb. By offering a pacifier we substitute some of his oral stimulation with an object that cannot be 'hurt'. Even if he does not suck on it, just holding it in his mouth or chewing on it defers some of the energy that might go to his thumb. Since being put on the bottle and arriving home to a more nurturing environment, Jacob has no longer been chewing on his thumb and it has healed completely.

-Why are his naps so important? Nap time has been a sacred time in my home for all 4 of my children. So declining invitations and arranging our outings around nap time is not a new concept. But I will admit we are even less flexible about Jacob's nap routine than our first three children. At age 14 months Jacob should still be taking two 1 1/2-2 hour naps a day. That is a developmental norm for any child. But most children can miss a nap here or there or make do with a cat nap in the car. During our first year home, nap time will be especially important and protected.

answer: Because Jacob has been raised in an orphanage setting, his exposure to the outside world has been extremely limited. Moving to our home and being a part of a family is like Drew, my three year old, permanently moving to Disney World and having to visit a new park every day. Everything about Jacob's new environment is overstimulating. Some of it is fun and exciting but some of it is overwhelming and exhausting. Jacob needs his naps to be able to 'reset'. Having 2 naps a day allows his body to process and recover from the new stimuli he is constantly taking in. Without consistent naps twice a day (until he is ready to have just one nap a day) he would be in a constant state of over-load. This would effect his ability to cope, bond, and process his emotions. It could also increase sensory processing dysfunction, autistic behaviors (disassociation, ticks, severe self soothing like head banging, etc), and other types of behavioral problems. Yes, we really do believe his naps are that important.

-Aren't you just prolonging the 'cocoon' time by keeping him secluded? If you expose him to everything wont he get used it it faster? (I actually had one person compare this idea to socializing a puppy, "the more he sees, the more comfortable he'll be")

answer: we are exposing our son to an immense amount of new stimulus just by staying home. After 6 weeks in the same surroundings we are still making new discoveries every day (the vacuum cleaner, the blender, Christmas decorations, shelves and cupboards, visitors at the door, etc.). Expecting a child who has been immersed in a new environment to then go out of that environment and take in the stimulus of a grocery store or church service is like asking a first grader to step into a calculus class. Yes, he is beginning to show proficiency in adding and subtracting but he needs to repeat those skills over and over before learning multiplication or division, let alone something like calculus. Another example would be beginning to frame a house on a concrete foundation that has not cured yet. Allowing the time to get the foundation settled directly effects the strength of the house.

-When will you be 'out' of the cocoon? I think many family members and friends expected the cocoon to be more like a 'holding period'. Once our time in the cocoon was over life would immediately resume as normal.

answer: we are already practicing exposure outside of the cocoon. But the cocoon concept will continue for at least the first year if not longer. No, we won't be shut-in for a year. This just means that after we experience something new or particularly stimulating we will return to the cocoon and keep things quiet for a day or two to process and recover. Translation-the actual 'time line' might look something like this: our first month home was completely secluded, we did not leave the house and Jacob didn't even see people at the door, there were no visitors in our home.  Months two and three will continue to be very tentative with limited outings and planned recovery time, only mom and dad will handle care and nurture during this time, visitors will include extended family but they will be asked to remain "hands off". Months 4-6 will include more of the 'every day' activities like the grocery store and church, we will start visits with friends and play dates, and more exposure to building relationships with others (yes, Grandparents, this will be your time to swoop in with kisses, hugs, and cuddles). After 6 months we will decide if we can begin trying bigger adventures like day trips and after successfully experiencing those we'll consider vacations. This has to be a flexible timeline as our entire first year is a slow and gradual experiment. We will retreat to the 'cocoon' often during that time.


There are many different views about raising children and how to best help an adopted child. We are doing the very best we can with what we have been taught. But, just like with our other 3 children, we will make mistakes or discover that some of our methods aren't working and need to change some things. So what I am adamant about today may change tomorrow. But this little boy deserves the very best and I am working hard to provide it even if it makes onlookers scratch their heads. I am always looking for new books so if you have experience with adoption and would like to suggest an author, please leave a comment.