Birthday Boy

We have two fourteen year olds! Nathan celebrated his very first birthday at home. Because we had barely been home a week I wanted to keep things low key. We decided to visit our favorite Chinese restaurant hoping it would be a comfort food for Nathan. He would finally have someone to speak Mandarin with! We know from previous visits with an exchange student and also when Ty first came home that the owners and employees of this restaurant speak Mandarin. We assumed this would be a great comfort to the boy who has demanded everyone speak Mandarin with him.

Our group was small (if you don't count the 10 members of our immediate family) and the food was great. Nathan seemed to enjoy himself.

The waitress asked me if the boys were from China or Korea? I confirmed they are both Chinese and she said, "I speak Mandarin to him and he doesn't answer. He is chicken!" Ha! Nathan did mutter something to her at one point and she quickly expressed the same exact sentiment to me of all of our guides in China. I think Elsie (my guide in Guangzhou) said it best within 3 minutes of meeting Nathan. We were literally walking to the car still at the airport when she said, "Oh, he is very stubborn and a bit naughty, isn't he?" Everyone pegs him very quickly. I really hope with time some of these 'personality quirks' will settle as Nathan begins to trust, relax and start being more genuine.

Nathan's first weeks home have been rather awkward. I'm not sure if the way he acts is actually what worked for him in China or if it is part of his coping and culture shock. But he has more than a few behaviors that are making it hard for family and friends to figure him out. His 'playful' defiance and persistent attention seeking is very overwhelming. Each of the kids have been amazing when controlling their own frustration. But we have had a few challenges in finding everyone the space they need to understand Nathan without wanting to go to blows.

Do not misread this post. Nathan makes us all laugh. We smile with him every day. His behaviors pale in comparison to Ty's struggles early on. But to put it bluntly: he annoys the heck out of those who try to get close to him.

I share this for two reasons: 1. Nathan is going to change. Dramatically. All of the boys have. And I want to remember the beginning so that I don't forget how far he has come. 2. People out there considering adoption need to know that the first weeks do not have to be roses and butterflies. I can still love my son even if I don't like his current behaviors much. We have so much to learn about each other. And in the mean time, we can still have a lot of fun together. This is real life. This is adoption. This is parenting.

This birthday is an excellent place to find perspective. This birthday could have been the end of  part of Nathan's story. Were he still in China it would be a dead end for the portion of his life that could ever include true family. Could he have found someone to be his surrogate family down the road? Sure. Underneath his behaviors right now is a super charming and sweet young man. He could have easily won over a friend's family from school or one of his caregivers in the orphanage and been invited to holiday dinners, or had someone to celebrate milestones with throughout his adulthood. But family is more than that. If Nathan were still in China he would have lost the very last opportunity to be a son, a brother, a grandson and a nephew. Instead he is here. In this family. Surrounded by unconditional love. Even from the siblings who are currently resisting the urge to pound him. Nathan has a real family. He will never be alone again in his lifetime and, we believe, beyond.

So bring on the obnoxious behaviors. Bring on the awkward first year or more. It has taken almost 3 years for Ty to find his place. We can do this again. Because he is family. And we love him. Unconditionally. We just have to convince him so he can find and show the real Nathan.

So, as we pick up speed on this new roller coaster ride, I want to take a minute to talk to the future Nathan. Because I hope he will read this some day.

My boy,

I know that someday this post will be distant and seem unrealistic. We will laugh together about how you expected everyone to speak Mandarin with you. We will laugh together about how dramatic you were. We will mimic and act out your squeals and high-pitched laughter. We will laugh together about "where go to?" and "eat lunch?" being repeated dozens of times in a row after the answer had been given. You will incredulously say things like, "Did I really do that?!" when we tell the stories of how you pestered your siblings and invaded everyone's space. We will laugh together about eating like a cow and talking with food in your mouth. Someday soon you will join Ty in embracing American culture and questioning why 'they' do things 'like that' in China. Some day we will even have to remind you to show respect and reverence for the cultural beliefs you hold so fiercely now. I know it is hard to understand why Ty has forgotten his language (Mandarin). I can see the confusion on your face when Ty says he does not like the more authentic Chinese foods you love so much. I understand why coming to America has been such a shock. And maybe, just maybe, I even understand better than you do for now why you feel so scared. I know that deep down you fear that you might forget too. We want you to remember. We want to honor who you are and where you come from. But as time passes, and you begin to understand more about what it means to be a part of this family, you will find yourself. The real you. And all of this will make more sense. I hope it will be worth it to you. Maybe some days it wont. And that is okay. But I look forward to the days that it does so that we can look back on this time together and remember where you began.

All my love on your birthday, son.