Eyes wide open

I think each and every one of us is afraid that something will happen in adoption that we cannot handle. Family and friends make comments that cause newly adoptive (or prospective, or experienced) parents to cringe, even though they mean well. Their genuine concern or simple curiosity can send us adoptive mommies and daddies into a bit of a tail spin. Because, no matter what you said that caused our heart to jump, we are in the trench with our little ones working desperately to help them climb out, and those comments are unknowingly shoveling dirt into the trench on top of us.

It could be our child's special needs are more intense than we expected, it may be one or both spouses are struggling with post adoptive depression, it may be that the other children in our home are not adjusting to life with this new sibling, it may be that adding another child to our family (adopted or not) has really changed our family dynamic and we just haven't adjusted as a family yet, it may be that we are having troubles bonding and attaching to our child, or that they are not attaching to us even though we love them dearly, and it hurts.

Whatever our climb out of the trench is, we parents need to hear that our child is valuable. Our adoption was worth it. We really can overcome the challenges of the first year and beyond and you will be there to support us if we need you. We chose it. We did it. And maybe it's harder than we expected. But our children are worth it.

"Hold on. I thought everything was going really well for you guys?"

It is. Brad and I are doing great. Jacob is amazing. All 4 of our kids are incredible. And, yes, we really are plugging along toward adoption #2 with immense enthusiasm. But, when you say yes to adoption, you become a part of a new family. A whole new world of people open up that you didn't know were right in your backyard before. And family hurts when family hurts. Many of our friends are having a very different experiences than we are. And because we are part of this family, it is hard to hear comments and see the need of support for others in our life.

The time after arriving home with a child with a complex background is challenging for so many reasons. But add into the equation a need to be mama and papa bears ready to defend our little ones at the very same time as we mourn for their losses and get to know their brokenness and things get even trickier. It is scary for adoptive parents to discover the deep needs of their new children right along side their extended family while trying to be stoic, knowledgeable, and stand by our decision to bring these children home.

During the first few months home while we were still getting to know our son, I was usually only one step ahead of the friends and family that wanted so desperately to know what was going on and how things were going. Usually as I attempted to explain and express confidence in the ways we were 'dealing' with new challenges I was giving the same explanations and reassurances to myself in my mind. I may look like I always know what I am talking about and am totally comfortable with whatever the current challenge is, but in the beginning I was still trying to convince myself that everything was okay and coach myself through the explanation I was giving.

The change of heart Brad and I have experienced through adoption is something that cannot be described to someone who has not experienced it themselves. The very children that others can distance themselves from and set boundaries around break our hearts. We see such desperate need. Children who are literally waiting to die in their cribs all around the world.

I wanted to share a video here that breaks my heart. But, honestly, it is so hard to see I had to pick one that was more gentle. Notice the beginning of the video refers to the home as one of the better orphanages. And listen to what the coordinator says about the children receiving "too much care" in the opinion of many people. If you are feeling brave, you can view this video that shows one of the institutions in Bulgaria. The video is a few years old. But the problem is not. Many families have seen with their own eyes in just this past year the continuing crisis for special needs children around the world.

No, we are not planning to adopt a child with severe and profound special needs. Despite a desire to make a difference for those children specifically, we feel our call this time is to an older child with a special need from China. And I have mentioned before every orphan needs a home, whether they have a profound special need or simply the special need of a family.

But those children spending their lives wasting away in a crib are still valuable, beautiful children. When people talk about adoption in a way that seems to separate certain children as a smart, safe, or wise adoption choice it makes me wonder. Should we only be willing to adopt the ones who are developing "typically." Is there something wrong with families who chose the children who need intensive medical care, attachment therapy, have a shortened life expectancy, or have a different potential for development?

Having an internationally adopted child has opened my eyes to many things in this world. The views and opinions of others, the 'American' way, the need of the orphan, what the label "orphan" means in this country and others, what a huge difference something seemingly small can make, and the reality that we can absolutely change the life of a child. Even if we don't do it 'perfectly.' Even if it isn't pretty. Even if we are scared. Even if we question our decision. Even if others don't agree. Even if we don't do it as well as someone else. Even if it's much harder than we expected.

They are worth it.

Daddy, Papa, Baba and Superman

I am so grateful for Fathers. I think the men in my life are pretty fantastic.

I was one of the lucky ones. One of the few who were raised by a true man. I knew then, and I know now, the love of my Dad. I did not have to suffer the heart break of a father who was not there. I did not have to cope with the troubles of a troubled father. And I have been blessed with a father who continues to love me today. I love how my children love their Papa.

When we first brought Jacob home from Russia, Brad was "Papa." The care givers, translators, and everyone else who spoke to Jacob in Russia would talk to him about his "Mama and Papa." Brad and I would speak to Jacob in Russian and would use the name Papa as well. Once we arrived home and really began to focus on English, Brad became "Daddy." Jacob understood quickly and "Dada" was his very first spoken word. But I will not forget the look on his little face when we introduced him to my father as "Papa." And I will always remember that Papa was one of his first words, spoken even before Mama.

As we prepare for China, Brad and I will also use the name "Baba." The kids are learning a few Chinese phrases with us and recently asked why my name never changes in other languages. Mama seems to always be mama. It's an interesting thought.

Anyone who has read other posts of what I think of my hubby will know that I like to call him Superman. That's partly because he is the ultimate example of a great Dad.

When I saw this video, I cried. Because my Superman does all the things shown in the video. All the examples of what makes a Dad great: reading, laughing, working, supporting, loving discipline, personal sacrifice, including the kids in hands-on projects, going above an beyond the usual "Daddy-duties", wiping off the long day at work to greet enthusiastic kids on the other side of the door, getting outside with the kids, getting on the floor with the kids, dancing and singing with the kids (even when Mom says not to), Daddy dates, making sure to be there for the important stuff, and just making everything fun.

No matter what we call him: Daddy, Papa, Baba, or Superman, our guy blows the title right out of the water. We love you, Daddy, Happy Fathers Day!

Little doggie

Last night Jacob had the pleasure of enjoying fresh Camarillo strawberries. There is nothing on this planet like a fresh Camarillo strawberry. It is almost worth the drive just to go down there and buy a flat.

We had made strawberry shortcake and eaten our fill. Jacob decided he had not gotten enough yet and proceeded to lick the last bits of strawberry juice off the plate.

I admit, I was tempted to do the same.

We all thought it was pretty cute and he loved the attention he was getting so he really hammed it up. I asked him if he was a doggie and he replied with "woof woof".

Cutest little doggie I've ever seen.

Coat blow

It happens every year. Right about the time we have our first 100 degree day this happens:

 

 

Oh, how I love my dyson vacuum cleaner... and my dog.

Pool time

Jacob loves to play by the pool. He is attracted to the water like a moth to the flame. This weekend he finally had the chance to actually get in the water with daddy.

 

He loves to play on the stairs but wasn't sure what to think about being held in the water. I'm sure by the end of the summer he'll be a water baby like the rest of 'em.

Memorial Day hike

Last Monday we decided to round up the family and head out for a hike. Unfortunately, we were not the only people with this idea. It was a busy day on the trails. But so worth it! Everyone had a great time.

 

 

The weather was perfect for a hike. Cloud cover but not too cool to play in the water. We even got sprinkled on a little bit here and there. Round trip it was 4 miles and the kids did great! Jacob loves the outdoors! Which means he fits right in.

Every child

Which children are in need? Which children deserve homes? Which children will live a completely different life in a family? Which children will forever be changed by the love of devoted parents?

Are there children that are in greater need than others? Are there children who should be looked over or set aside because their need is 'not as great' as another? If a child is in 'the best' orphanage do they not deserve a loving family? If a child is medically 'healthy' should they wait a shorter or longer time than a child with a severe need? If a child is near death should they be allowed to slip away without the love of a parent? If a child has already spent the majority of their growing up years in an orphanage are they better left behind? If a child has living relatives that refuse to claim them are they less of an orphan?

This is a concept that I struggle with. With a number as big as 143 million orphans how can I make a difference with one? And how do I know which one? Everyone knows the story of the starfish. And I have heard before the idea of not being able to change anything for all of them but being able to change everything for one of them.

Is there some magic line that can be drawn in the sand? Some way to say, "I can accept this one, but not that one."

Many cultures do exactly that. They draw very rigid, palpable lines that shout, "Only these are acceptable!" Children with 'special needs' are often discarded and unvalued. And even children that we would consider healthy or 'typical' are branded for life as a lower class because they were left as orphans.

The paperwork from the courts in Russia referred to our son as an 'inmate'. We laughed when we first heard that statement read, assuming it was a translation error. We were then corrected and told that the word 'inmate' is an accurate description of an orphan. Had our son continued to grow up in Russia without being adopted his identification papers would forever label him as an orphan. It is like a brand. And it remains throughout life.

Our son was being raised in an orphanage touted as the best in the region. While he had diagnoses listed in his medical file, here in America no one would ever classify him as a "special needs" child. He is a very typical, healthy, happy, and charming child. We were even fortunate enough to receive his referral while he was still very young. Almost as young as possible for an international referral.

Was he less deserving? Did he have less of a need?

Now, as we prepare to pursue our adoption from China, we have been presented with a list of special needs. We are to mark which special needs we feel confident accepting. While I appreciate this process and the fact that China and the agencies here in America want prospective adoptive parents to enter into the adoption process educated and with eyes wide open, that question comes to mind again: Where is the 'line'? Do I believe that a child with a limb difference is acceptable but refuse to consider a child with Cerebral Palsy? Or perhaps a child who will be branded as 'special needs' because of a birth mark or color blindness is less deserving than a child with down syndrome or heart disease because, surely, someone else will want to adopt them?

And we continually are asked by friends, family, and strangers why we will be going "all the way to China" when there are orphans here in the US. Are the children of China less deserving? Or the other way around?

The answer to all these questions is the same. Every orphaned child is in need. Every orphaned child deserves a home. Every orphaned child will live a completely different life in a family. Every orphaned child will forever be changed by the love of devoted parents and family.

Special needs or typical, young or old, foreign or domestic, they all need families.