It could be our child's special needs are more intense than we expected, it may be one or both spouses are struggling with post adoptive depression, it may be that the other children in our home are not adjusting to life with this new sibling, it may be that adding another child to our family (adopted or not) has really changed our family dynamic and we just haven't adjusted as a family yet, it may be that we are having troubles bonding and attaching to our child, or that they are not attaching to us even though we love them dearly, and it hurts.
Whatever our climb out of the trench is, we parents need to hear that our child is valuable. Our adoption was worth it. We really can overcome the challenges of the first year and beyond and you will be there to support us if we need you. We chose it. We did it. And maybe it's harder than we expected. But our children are worth it.
"Hold on. I thought everything was going really well for you guys?"
It is. Brad and I are doing great. Jacob is amazing. All 4 of our kids are incredible. And, yes, we really are plugging along toward adoption #2 with immense enthusiasm. But, when you say yes to adoption, you become a part of a new family. A whole new world of people open up that you didn't know were right in your backyard before. And family hurts when family hurts. Many of our friends are having a very different experiences than we are. And because we are part of this family, it is hard to hear comments and see the need of support for others in our life.
The time after arriving home with a child with a complex background is challenging for so many reasons. But add into the equation a need to be mama and papa bears ready to defend our little ones at the very same time as we mourn for their losses and get to know their brokenness and things get even trickier. It is scary for adoptive parents to discover the deep needs of their new children right along side their extended family while trying to be stoic, knowledgeable, and stand by our decision to bring these children home.
During the first few months home while we were still getting to know our son, I was usually only one step ahead of the friends and family that wanted so desperately to know what was going on and how things were going. Usually as I attempted to explain and express confidence in the ways we were 'dealing' with new challenges I was giving the same explanations and reassurances to myself in my mind. I may look like I always know what I am talking about and am totally comfortable with whatever the current challenge is, but in the beginning I was still trying to convince myself that everything was okay and coach myself through the explanation I was giving.
The change of heart Brad and I have experienced through adoption is something that cannot be described to someone who has not experienced it themselves. The very children that others can distance themselves from and set boundaries around break our hearts. We see such desperate need. Children who are literally waiting to die in their cribs all around the world.
I wanted to share a video here that breaks my heart. But, honestly, it is so hard to see I had to pick one that was more gentle. Notice the beginning of the video refers to the home as one of the better orphanages. And listen to what the coordinator says about the children receiving "too much care" in the opinion of many people. If you are feeling brave, you can view this video that shows one of the institutions in Bulgaria. The video is a few years old. But the problem is not. Many families have seen with their own eyes in just this past year the continuing crisis for special needs children around the world.
No, we are not planning to adopt a child with severe and profound special needs. Despite a desire to make a difference for those children specifically, we feel our call this time is to an older child with a special need from China. And I have mentioned before every orphan needs a home, whether they have a profound special need or simply the special need of a family.
But those children spending their lives wasting away in a crib are still valuable, beautiful children. When people talk about adoption in a way that seems to separate certain children as a smart, safe, or wise adoption choice it makes me wonder. Should we only be willing to adopt the ones who are developing "typically." Is there something wrong with families who chose the children who need intensive medical care, attachment therapy, have a shortened life expectancy, or have a different potential for development?
Having an internationally adopted child has opened my eyes to many things in this world. The views and opinions of others, the 'American' way, the need of the orphan, what the label "orphan" means in this country and others, what a huge difference something seemingly small can make, and the reality that we can absolutely change the life of a child. Even if we don't do it 'perfectly.' Even if it isn't pretty. Even if we are scared. Even if we question our decision. Even if others don't agree. Even if we don't do it as well as someone else. Even if it's much harder than we expected.
They are worth it.
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