I originally typed this post over a month ago. For some reason I did not publish it right away. And every time I have written a new post since I have looked at this one and wondered if I should post it. I don't know why I waited. And I don't know why I'm ready to post it now. But its time:
As I type this (it's nap time) my girls are sitting together on the family room floor. The TV is on. There are fruit snacks. Amber is being silly and there are many hushed giggles.
As I watch them relax after a full day at school I realize: they will never know hunger. They will never know 'need'.
There they sit in their nice little school uniforms, hair in pigtails with cute little clips and bows. There is a pantry and refrigerator full of food just one room away. Down the hall their large soft beds are neatly made with freshly cleaned sheets. Their closet is stuffed full of school uniforms, casual play clothes, frilly dresses and church attire, mounds of shoes, and jackets for every season. Their bathroom even has two sinks so that they don't have to spit into the same area when brushing their teeth or wait to wash their hands.
Every day they put on clean, fresh clothes. Everyday they eat nutritious balanced meals and frequent healthy snacks. Every day they travel around town in a safe and comfortable car. Everyday they gather around the table with the ones who love them most to enjoy a fresh, hot, home cooked dinner. Every day they enjoy the love and adoration of parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, teachers, church leaders, and friends.
They have been on trips all over the United States and Caribbean. They have gone swimming with dolphins and snow skiing in the mountains. They've been to Disneyland and Disneyworld. They receive gifts for every holiday from Christmas to Easter and birthdays.
How do we do it? How do we Americans get so comfortable in our needy middle-class mindset? How do we all get so caught up in the world recognized "American Dream" that we fail to see the others around us? How do my precious daughters sit here in their ridiculously wealthy home with all of the comforts of life while orphans in other countries beg for the attention of passing adults with empty tummies and inadequate clothing?
Why can't the world just resolve to bring them all home?
The answer? We live in a fallen world.
There will always be orphans. There will always be hunger. There will always be homelessness. There will always be a need.
But what if? What if everyone could just open their eyes? What if everyone could open their hearts? What if everyone could decide to do something? Not something big, just something. How many could we help if we just believed we could make a difference for one at a time?
What if the people who thought maybe they could adopt someday decided today was that day? What if the people who knew they could not adopt decided they could help someone else to adopt by contributing financially. What if the people who knew they could not help financially decided to advocate for children by spreading the word about the need? What if the people who knew they couldn't advocate decided they could pray?
There are so many ways to help orphans all around the world. Even the ones in your own neighborhood right here in the wealthy United States. What could you do, today, to help an orphan? Just one orphan.
147 million is too big a number. But one seems doable. Anyone could find a way to help one.
Be the difference.
Monday, April 29, 2013
Special Day
Saturday was a special day. Jacob was sealed to us in the Sacramento Temple. The best part was being able to have all 4 of our beautiful kiddos in the sealing room with us.
This was a great experience for Caity since she had to have an interview with the bishop and the stake presidency to get her limited use recommend. She is going to be one of the only people I know who will have been in the temple several times before being old enough to even do baptisms. This was her 4th time in a temple: 8/2006 when the girls were sealed to us, 2 temple open houses, and now Jacob's sealing. Not to mention we will likely have the opportunity to go again after China. Although she will be over 12 by then.
Jacob was so cute pointing to everything and exclaiming "Ooooooo!" at the top of his little lungs. Quiet reverence is just not a concept an 18 month old is ready for...
This was a great experience for Caity since she had to have an interview with the bishop and the stake presidency to get her limited use recommend. She is going to be one of the only people I know who will have been in the temple several times before being old enough to even do baptisms. This was her 4th time in a temple: 8/2006 when the girls were sealed to us, 2 temple open houses, and now Jacob's sealing. Not to mention we will likely have the opportunity to go again after China. Although she will be over 12 by then.
Jacob was so cute pointing to everything and exclaiming "Ooooooo!" at the top of his little lungs. Quiet reverence is just not a concept an 18 month old is ready for...
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Heat wave
It's only in the low 90's, but my children think we're having a heat wave. They have forgotten what summer feels like. They do, however, seem to remember what the pool feels like. It seems I cannot go an hour without someone asking if they can "go swimming today?"
It's nice to be outside in swimsuits again.
Side note: Jacob still just does not like cold foods. He loves ice cream, but will grimace with each bite as he signs for more. The 'first popsicle' was not what I would call a success. After a couple tries he signed all done and got down to play.
It's nice to be outside in swimsuits again.
Side note: Jacob still just does not like cold foods. He loves ice cream, but will grimace with each bite as he signs for more. The 'first popsicle' was not what I would call a success. After a couple tries he signed all done and got down to play.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
2 new teeth + 1 less nap + 1 HUGE growth spurt + modified cocoon time= 1 happy baby
Jacob's two new teeth have finally broken the gums.
We are officially on a one-nap schedule and it is going surprisingly well. It's only been two days but both days he has been happy during wake time, settled quickly to sleep and stayed soundly asleep, and we are no longer waking at 5:45!
I have gone back to rocking Jacob to sound sleep and he has stopped rocking himself after naps and in the morning.
I have not locked us down completely, but we have been making a conscious effort to stay close to home and keep things more quiet.
All of the chaos of last week seems to have settled and my happy boy is back.
This morning we went to Jacob's 18 month check up. The nurse and the doctor both measured him twice to be sure the measurements were correct. Jacob has grown 1 and 3/4 inches in one month! He made significant gains in height, weight, and head circumference since his last well check. And at the moment, he is a little on the slim side because of his huge gain in height. Holy groceries! No wonder my boy is so hungry.
Jacob's two new teeth have finally broken the gums.
We are officially on a one-nap schedule and it is going surprisingly well. It's only been two days but both days he has been happy during wake time, settled quickly to sleep and stayed soundly asleep, and we are no longer waking at 5:45!
I have gone back to rocking Jacob to sound sleep and he has stopped rocking himself after naps and in the morning.
I have not locked us down completely, but we have been making a conscious effort to stay close to home and keep things more quiet.
All of the chaos of last week seems to have settled and my happy boy is back.
This morning we went to Jacob's 18 month check up. The nurse and the doctor both measured him twice to be sure the measurements were correct. Jacob has grown 1 and 3/4 inches in one month! He made significant gains in height, weight, and head circumference since his last well check. And at the moment, he is a little on the slim side because of his huge gain in height. Holy groceries! No wonder my boy is so hungry.
I love it when the dust settles...
Saturday, April 20, 2013
So why international?
Word is spreading about our next adoption. And while everyone seems to be excited and super supportive we keep getting the same question: why adopt internationally again? It has come in different forms, some serious but most with a little joke or ribbing:
-you know we have orphans here too right?
-there are easier ways to add to your family, ya know?
-it's so expensive! You guys must have a ton of/not worry about money!
-are you just going to keep traveling around the world collecting kids?
-How many kids do you plan to have!?
I was thinking about this today and just happened to stumble across a short video that I immediately knew I needed to share:
We did not know about this documentary. Unfortunately the showing in Sacramento has already passed. But the preview itself is an excellent glimpse of why we are choosing international adoption again.
So here is what I have to say to the genuine concern and curiosity of our friends and family:
-EVERY child deserves a home. The orphans in the US, the children in foster care around the world, the children in orphanages, the children in mental asylums, the children on the streets. Every single one needs and deserves a loving family.
-Of course we know there are 'easier' ways to adopt. But that is part of the reason we are eager to take the more difficult path: not everyone believes they can. Many families pass on the opportunity to welcome an internationally adopted child into their home because it is "more expensive" or it requires travel or there are risks involved. So many children go without homes because families do not believe they can get them home. We know our Heavenly Father can bring our child home whether that means picking them up in our own state or traveling half way around the world.
-International adoption is crazy expensive. No we are not "loaded". Yes we worry about money. However we believe we have been called to this adoption the same way we were called by God to go to Russia. There is no denying God's hand in our first adoption. He lead the way throughout the entire process. He will provide again. It is our job to work hard and we know we can do that.
-I will travel all over this planet to bring my children home. I am not bringing home souvenirs. If God places my children in different countries each time He decides to add to our family then yes, I will keep traveling all over the world to bring them home.
-And finally: Were the decision left to us, we would have been "done" having children after our first two daughters. We chose to follow what we believed to be a clear prompting to have another child and were blessed with our first son. Brad and I both believed and agreed that we were done having children when our Drew was born (which turned out to be partially true). God is the one who called us to Russia. God is the one calling us to China. And we will follow our Father in Heaven's plan if He calls us to another adoption.
-you know we have orphans here too right?
-there are easier ways to add to your family, ya know?
-it's so expensive! You guys must have a ton of/not worry about money!
-are you just going to keep traveling around the world collecting kids?
-How many kids do you plan to have!?
I was thinking about this today and just happened to stumble across a short video that I immediately knew I needed to share:
We did not know about this documentary. Unfortunately the showing in Sacramento has already passed. But the preview itself is an excellent glimpse of why we are choosing international adoption again.
So here is what I have to say to the genuine concern and curiosity of our friends and family:
-EVERY child deserves a home. The orphans in the US, the children in foster care around the world, the children in orphanages, the children in mental asylums, the children on the streets. Every single one needs and deserves a loving family.
-Of course we know there are 'easier' ways to adopt. But that is part of the reason we are eager to take the more difficult path: not everyone believes they can. Many families pass on the opportunity to welcome an internationally adopted child into their home because it is "more expensive" or it requires travel or there are risks involved. So many children go without homes because families do not believe they can get them home. We know our Heavenly Father can bring our child home whether that means picking them up in our own state or traveling half way around the world.
-International adoption is crazy expensive. No we are not "loaded". Yes we worry about money. However we believe we have been called to this adoption the same way we were called by God to go to Russia. There is no denying God's hand in our first adoption. He lead the way throughout the entire process. He will provide again. It is our job to work hard and we know we can do that.
-I will travel all over this planet to bring my children home. I am not bringing home souvenirs. If God places my children in different countries each time He decides to add to our family then yes, I will keep traveling all over the world to bring them home.
-And finally: Were the decision left to us, we would have been "done" having children after our first two daughters. We chose to follow what we believed to be a clear prompting to have another child and were blessed with our first son. Brad and I both believed and agreed that we were done having children when our Drew was born (which turned out to be partially true). God is the one who called us to Russia. God is the one calling us to China. And we will follow our Father in Heaven's plan if He calls us to another adoption.
My selfish needs
When I wrote my post yesterday morning I was desperately trying to figure out what had gone wrong with my boy. My post was partly an investigation and partly an opportunity to vent and try to get control of my frustrations. But it worked. Typing out all of my hypotheses and getting a handle on my irritation allowed me to compose myself and do something that is incredibly difficult: I made a conscious decision to neglect my house for the majority of the day.
The answer to most of my guesses for Jacob's behavior change was to spend a day completely focused on him. If he was agitated because of teething, some extra mommy time (and Tylenol) would only help. If he was not sleeping well because of overstimulation and social confusion, extra connection activities with mommy at home would only help. If he was needing a change in routine (dropping a nap) spending the day focused on his needs would help me to determine that need clearly and only help. All of the possibilities I had thought of could only be improved by spending the day in the cocoon and focusing on connective activities with Mom.
But that meant I had to ignore this:
And this:
My inner perfectionist is yelling obscenities at me for posting these pictures. But that is part of the reason I am doing it. I must not allow my need to have a neat and tidy house dictate when I will or will not spend time focused on my children. So, I did it. I got down on the floor and played with my boy and let my house be a wreck for almost an entire day.
And guess what happened? By the end of the day I had this:
But, it came at a price. By the time the dinner hour rolled around I was mentally at my limit from living in the tornado all day. I was tired and agitated for a new reason: my environment was making me crazy. My Mom offered to have us all over for Pizza. I almost declined. But then my own selfish needs convinced me to go. 'Cause if Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. So out of the cocoon we went. Fortunately, the day of mama time seemed to make our outing no big deal. Jacob even slept in this morning until 6:30!
Today Brad was home (a rarity these days) and we had some serious catching up to do. Truly important and necessary things for business had to be accomplished. And we both needed to physically be there, so no cocoon for my boy. By the time afternoon nap approached I could tell Jay was overdone again. He cried when I took him to nap, rocked himself even after I thought I had rocked him to sleep, and woke after barely an hour tired and agitated. After bringing him out to the family room couch for snuggles, I felt a little funk settling in and asked Brad, "Why do I feel cranky all the sudden?"
We had an invitation to a gathering after dinner and I thought about whether or not I should take Jacob or send Brad with a few kiddos or just not go at all. But that selfish need was back. I wanted the outlet. I wanted to visit with friends. I wanted to be together as a family and not have to leave my hubby on our one full day together. And I let my wants win.
I know I should have kept him home. I know I need to take a few steps back with him and be patient. We did this before and I know he'll bounce back if I help him instead of choosing my own selfish needs. But sometimes it's hard to find the healthy medium. Sometimes its hard to know if it will be better for him to stay home with a grouchy burnt out mama or be exposed to an overwhelming environment with a happy engaged mama.
But then I scroll up to the huge smiles in the pictures in this post and the answer is right in front of me: he needs both the time at home and the happy engaged mama. The combination is so very powerful in his little life.
The answer to most of my guesses for Jacob's behavior change was to spend a day completely focused on him. If he was agitated because of teething, some extra mommy time (and Tylenol) would only help. If he was not sleeping well because of overstimulation and social confusion, extra connection activities with mommy at home would only help. If he was needing a change in routine (dropping a nap) spending the day focused on his needs would help me to determine that need clearly and only help. All of the possibilities I had thought of could only be improved by spending the day in the cocoon and focusing on connective activities with Mom.
But that meant I had to ignore this:
And this:
And this:
And this:
My inner perfectionist is yelling obscenities at me for posting these pictures. But that is part of the reason I am doing it. I must not allow my need to have a neat and tidy house dictate when I will or will not spend time focused on my children. So, I did it. I got down on the floor and played with my boy and let my house be a wreck for almost an entire day.
And guess what happened? By the end of the day I had this:
But, it came at a price. By the time the dinner hour rolled around I was mentally at my limit from living in the tornado all day. I was tired and agitated for a new reason: my environment was making me crazy. My Mom offered to have us all over for Pizza. I almost declined. But then my own selfish needs convinced me to go. 'Cause if Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. So out of the cocoon we went. Fortunately, the day of mama time seemed to make our outing no big deal. Jacob even slept in this morning until 6:30!
Today Brad was home (a rarity these days) and we had some serious catching up to do. Truly important and necessary things for business had to be accomplished. And we both needed to physically be there, so no cocoon for my boy. By the time afternoon nap approached I could tell Jay was overdone again. He cried when I took him to nap, rocked himself even after I thought I had rocked him to sleep, and woke after barely an hour tired and agitated. After bringing him out to the family room couch for snuggles, I felt a little funk settling in and asked Brad, "Why do I feel cranky all the sudden?"
We had an invitation to a gathering after dinner and I thought about whether or not I should take Jacob or send Brad with a few kiddos or just not go at all. But that selfish need was back. I wanted the outlet. I wanted to visit with friends. I wanted to be together as a family and not have to leave my hubby on our one full day together. And I let my wants win.
I know I should have kept him home. I know I need to take a few steps back with him and be patient. We did this before and I know he'll bounce back if I help him instead of choosing my own selfish needs. But sometimes it's hard to find the healthy medium. Sometimes its hard to know if it will be better for him to stay home with a grouchy burnt out mama or be exposed to an overwhelming environment with a happy engaged mama.
But then I scroll up to the huge smiles in the pictures in this post and the answer is right in front of me: he needs both the time at home and the happy engaged mama. The combination is so very powerful in his little life.
Friday, April 19, 2013
10 steps back?
I have posted before about adoption being described as a "2 steps forward, 10 steps back" experience. For the very first time in our adoption experience I feel like we may have just taken 10 steps back. I use writing (or in this case typing) as a way to work out my feelings and thoughts. So if this post seems to ramble a bit realize I am trying to figure this out as I go...
The difference in Jacob from Sunday to today (Friday) seems to be night and day. His average wake time this week has been 5:45 am, naps are not lasting more than an hour, he is self-stimming again (rocking and head-banging), his thumb is getting worn out again, and he seems agitated and unsure. He spends the majority of the day asking for "up" only to lay his head on my shoulder for a few seconds and then get down and ask for "up" again.
In the last few days he has become completely obsessed with food. He basically yelled his way through the grocery store demanding "bites" because it was seemingly too much to see all the food without eating something. Meal preparation is almost impossible because if he sees me doing something in the kitchen he starts crying and hanging from my legs signing "bite". Last night he could not even handle being carried in the backpack while I made dinner.
As adoptive parents of a child previously raised in an institutionalized setting, when drastic changes in behavior come up we are encouraged to stop and think about what changes in our child's environment or routine may be happening that could cause our child's change in behavior. So, now it is time for a little detective work.
Sleep: it is entirely possible that Jacob is not sleeping as well because he is ready to drop one of his day time naps. He is at an appropriate age for one nap a day and usually when toddlers switch to one nap a day they sleep a little longer at night. But, it is common for sleep disturbances to represent other issues in an adopted toddler and in our 5 months home sleep disturbances have been his first indication that something is amiss.
Thumb chewing: I know Jacob is working on a few new teeth. This alone can definitely explain why he has started chewing on his thumb again and is sucking so much more frequently. But thumb sucking and chewing has also been a significant self-soothing tool he has used all along and has always been an indication that he is overwhelmed.
Food: this could be as easy as a growth spurt. Being hungry and not having the skills to deal with hunger is a simple enough answer. But control of food is a huge issue with many adopted children.
Self-stimulation: rocking, head banging, swaying, and rolling are all ways that institutionalized orphans sooth and entertain themselves. I am mostly seeing an increase in this behavior right after nap time. This could be because he is not getting enough sleep and is groggy after waking. Or it could be because our rocking time before nap has lessened. He has been able to fall alseep on his own without self-stim for a few weeks now. But it may be that the consequence of less time in motion with mama means more time in motion upon waking.
Agitation and confusion: Jacobs inconsistent desire to be held and then put back down only to ask to be held again is likely an indication that he needs reassurance of the special relationship with mommy. Now that life-as-usual has resumed family and friends are much more relaxed about touching, engaging, and holding our boy. He may be trying to work out whether or not that means his relationship with me has changed.
All of these things considered, the immediate answer is to pull back and focus on our boy's needs for a few days to get this settled. Remember that cocoon? This is an example of a time we need to slow things back down and focus on our son for a few days.
I am hoping to get this settled quickly, I am not a morning person so the new 5:45 am wake time is not ideal. I am also not good with change. I get settled into my own routines and change is always uncomfortable. Pretty soon I'll be the one sucking my thumb and rocking in the corner...
The difference in Jacob from Sunday to today (Friday) seems to be night and day. His average wake time this week has been 5:45 am, naps are not lasting more than an hour, he is self-stimming again (rocking and head-banging), his thumb is getting worn out again, and he seems agitated and unsure. He spends the majority of the day asking for "up" only to lay his head on my shoulder for a few seconds and then get down and ask for "up" again.
In the last few days he has become completely obsessed with food. He basically yelled his way through the grocery store demanding "bites" because it was seemingly too much to see all the food without eating something. Meal preparation is almost impossible because if he sees me doing something in the kitchen he starts crying and hanging from my legs signing "bite". Last night he could not even handle being carried in the backpack while I made dinner.
As adoptive parents of a child previously raised in an institutionalized setting, when drastic changes in behavior come up we are encouraged to stop and think about what changes in our child's environment or routine may be happening that could cause our child's change in behavior. So, now it is time for a little detective work.
Sleep: it is entirely possible that Jacob is not sleeping as well because he is ready to drop one of his day time naps. He is at an appropriate age for one nap a day and usually when toddlers switch to one nap a day they sleep a little longer at night. But, it is common for sleep disturbances to represent other issues in an adopted toddler and in our 5 months home sleep disturbances have been his first indication that something is amiss.
Thumb chewing: I know Jacob is working on a few new teeth. This alone can definitely explain why he has started chewing on his thumb again and is sucking so much more frequently. But thumb sucking and chewing has also been a significant self-soothing tool he has used all along and has always been an indication that he is overwhelmed.
Food: this could be as easy as a growth spurt. Being hungry and not having the skills to deal with hunger is a simple enough answer. But control of food is a huge issue with many adopted children.
Self-stimulation: rocking, head banging, swaying, and rolling are all ways that institutionalized orphans sooth and entertain themselves. I am mostly seeing an increase in this behavior right after nap time. This could be because he is not getting enough sleep and is groggy after waking. Or it could be because our rocking time before nap has lessened. He has been able to fall alseep on his own without self-stim for a few weeks now. But it may be that the consequence of less time in motion with mama means more time in motion upon waking.
Agitation and confusion: Jacobs inconsistent desire to be held and then put back down only to ask to be held again is likely an indication that he needs reassurance of the special relationship with mommy. Now that life-as-usual has resumed family and friends are much more relaxed about touching, engaging, and holding our boy. He may be trying to work out whether or not that means his relationship with me has changed.
All of these things considered, the immediate answer is to pull back and focus on our boy's needs for a few days to get this settled. Remember that cocoon? This is an example of a time we need to slow things back down and focus on our son for a few days.
I am hoping to get this settled quickly, I am not a morning person so the new 5:45 am wake time is not ideal. I am also not good with change. I get settled into my own routines and change is always uncomfortable. Pretty soon I'll be the one sucking my thumb and rocking in the corner...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)