My selfish needs

When I wrote my post yesterday morning I was desperately trying to figure out what had gone wrong with my boy. My post was partly an investigation and partly an opportunity to vent and try to get control of my frustrations. But it worked. Typing out all of my hypotheses and getting a handle on my irritation allowed me to compose myself and do something that is incredibly difficult: I made a conscious decision to neglect my house for the majority of the day.

The answer to most of my guesses for Jacob's behavior change was to spend a day completely focused on him. If he was agitated because of teething, some extra mommy time (and Tylenol) would only help. If he was not sleeping well because of overstimulation and social confusion, extra connection activities with mommy at home would only help. If he was needing a change in routine (dropping a nap) spending the day focused on his needs would help me to determine that need clearly and only help. All of the possibilities I had thought of could only be improved by spending the day in the cocoon and focusing on connective activities with Mom.

But that meant I had to ignore this:

And this:

 

And this:

 

And this:

My inner perfectionist is yelling obscenities at me for posting these pictures. But that is part of the reason I am doing it. I must not allow my need to have a neat and tidy house dictate when I will or will not spend time focused on my children. So, I did it. I got down on the floor and played with my boy and let my house be a wreck for almost an entire day.

And guess what happened? By the end of the day I had this:

But, it came at a price. By the time the dinner hour rolled around I was mentally at my limit from living in the tornado all day. I was tired and agitated for a new reason: my environment was making me crazy. My Mom offered to have us all over for Pizza. I almost declined. But then my own selfish needs convinced me to go. 'Cause if Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. So out of the cocoon we went. Fortunately, the day of mama time seemed to make our outing no big deal. Jacob even slept in this morning until 6:30!

Today Brad was home (a rarity these days) and we had some serious catching up to do. Truly important and necessary things for business had to be accomplished. And we both needed to physically be there, so no cocoon for my boy. By the time afternoon nap approached I could tell Jay was overdone again. He cried when I took him to nap, rocked himself even after I thought I had rocked him to sleep, and woke after barely an hour tired and agitated. After bringing him out to the family room couch for snuggles, I felt a little funk settling in and asked Brad, "Why do I feel cranky all the sudden?"

We had an invitation to a gathering after dinner and I thought about whether or not I should take Jacob or send Brad with a few kiddos or just not go at all. But that selfish need was back. I wanted the outlet. I wanted to visit with friends. I wanted to be together as a family and not have to leave my hubby on our one full day together. And I let my wants win.

I know I should have kept him home. I know I need to take a few steps back with him and be patient. We did this before and I know he'll bounce back if I help him instead of choosing my own selfish needs. But sometimes it's hard to find the healthy medium. Sometimes its hard to know if it will be better for him to stay home with a grouchy burnt out mama or be exposed to an overwhelming environment with a happy engaged mama.

But then I scroll up to the huge smiles in the pictures in this post and the answer is right in front of me: he needs both the time at home and the happy engaged mama. The combination is so very powerful in his little life.