God's Math

I am tired. I should be freaking out. Because normally running in this high of a gear for this long would have caused me to quit long ago. Every day I tell myself, "There is way too much going on, I should not be this relaxed about it." But I am. Somehow.

Our current load should be too much. But somehow we are being given the strength to take one day at a time. And even though each day is not enough to even come close to what needs to be done, it is somehow enough.

This is a math equation that doesn't add up. We do not have the skills for this. The tasks are too big. The challenges are too much. And the only reason this is working is: we are not the ones doing it.

I can feel heavenly help on a daily basis. It is almost an out of body experience as I hear words coming out of my mouth that are not my own. As I respond with more self control than I know I am capable. As I hear thoughts enter my mind in immediate answer to doubts or questions. As I feel my attention drawn to solutions I would never dream up on my own.

Resources are coming to us the very moment we feel they are needed. The moment we reach out there is someone or something to grasp. Everything we need is ready and waiting. It is an unbelievable miracle every day.

But I am still tired. And that silly little voice of doubt in my head is trying to convince me to freak out. "Because," it says, "you aren't strong enough for this. You can't keep this up." All of the doubts, fears, and questions seem to be boxed up in my mind. The lid held shut by something beyond my own ability. They are still there. But they have no power. It is bizarre.

As I run at top speed between therapists, counselors, doctors, teachers (SO many teachers), IEP meetings, school administrators, social workers, coaches, Sunday School teachers, Youth Leaders, support groups, and learning resources like books, chat groups, and other adoptive mommies, I feel like I am in a whirlwind. Yet there is peace. How?

It is an equation that just doesn't add up.