So, where'd the 'cocoon' go?

I always preface these kinds of posts with a clarification that I am not any kind of authority on bonding and attachment. I base my opinions on information I have been given through our agency, social workers, training, advice of other adoptive parents, and various books on the subject. My opinions are just that: opinions.

We still get questions about 'the cocoon'. It's almost as if some people want us to know that it wasn't really necessary with Jacob. There is an underlying, "It wasn't even worth your time, since your other boys are doing fine, was it?"

I disagree.

Jacob thrived in that cocoon. Ty thrived in his as well, even though we modified it to meet his age and needs. And this time around we have a whole new set of circumstances to consider. See, that's the trick with kids. None of them are the same. They all have different needs, and circumstances change.

The reason we are not using a formal or even modified cocoon this time is because it is not appropriate for these circumstances.

Our son is 15 years old. We arrived home 3 weeks before the beginning of school. Our son is entering the 10th grade as an ESL student with only basic conversation skills. Our son has no special needs or developmental delays. He was not in an institutional setting. And, did I mention he is 15?

The main purpose of a cocoon is to create an environment that feels safe to encourage bonding. Everything about the cocoon is centered around bonding. For a child who is scared of the world, the cocoon is absolutely necessary. For a child who is ready to embrace the world but has no clue how to attach to one caregiver and trust the concept of 'family' and permanency, the modified cocoon is absolutely necessary.

But for teenagers who have already become accustomed to interacting with the outside world (even those who are devoid of many social and problem solving skills) and who naturally set their own physical boundaries (imagine a 10th grader asking to sit in his teacher's lap, not gonna happen) a cocoon would only be restrictive and confusing.

We feel our focus needs to be on family activities. Good old fashioned wholesome recreation. Opportunities to learn to trust (stretching outside of his comfort zone in relative safety) and opportunities to laugh. Play is my favorite platform for bonding. And our teenager needs a ton of it.

Justin should be at a developmental stage that he can observe social interactions and begin to draw conclusions from them. Comparing the way our family interacts to the experiences in his past as well as experiences outside of our home in church activities, sports, and friends will help him to learn a new perspective.

We did not expect Ty at six years old to have this ability. Which is why our modified cocoon with Ty was a social cocoon. Ty needed to be outside. He needed to play and get some big energy out to help him cope with the massive changes in his life. But he did not have the maturity to process different levels of social interaction. We needed to create an environment where social interaction was limited so that we could teach correct behavior for different situations. For example: Mom and Dad offer physical touch, warmth, comfort (aka: BONDING) but friends, teachers, and especially strangers, do not.

And Jacob at age one was no where even close to observing social interactions. He was focused on learning to cope with life outside of the 4 walls he had spent 13 months behind. A complete cocoon was necessary to build trust in us, his parents, so that he could cope with new environments while relying on us to keep him safe.

Now, I've gone on too long. And most of you don't really care for this much detail. But I feel like this is an area that more people should understand: adoption makes you do and see things differently. And no two kids are the same. Especially in adoption.